What do a telephone and a dog have in common?

They both have collar ID.

“How did school go today?" a mother asked her little boy. 

“Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child.”

"What did she say?” his mother asked. 

“The teacher said, 'Thank goodness!'”

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs said not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”

Why was the musician arrested? 

He got in treble.

Why don't elephants go skinny dipping?

They can't get their trunks off.

A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?" 

The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!"

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. 

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. 

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. 

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. 

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. 

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. 

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

"Now, how about that drink?"

Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied her.

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? 

Now I herd everything.

I picked up a Magic 8-Ball the other day and it said, 'Outlook not so good.' 

I said, 'Sure, but Microsoft still ships it.'

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. 

When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

Two chickens were chatting around the coop. 

"That big rooster next door made a pass at me!" one exclaimed. 

"Really? Did you provoke him?" 

"Well, I egged him on a little."

In honor of International Hoof Care Week, I would like to bring to light a new farrier/artist name Ed Smith. He developed the art of carving intricate patterns in the tops of horse hooves. He is much talked about in cowboy circles. 

Around many a campfire you hear exclamations about Hoof Art Ed!

What do you get from a pampered cow? 

Spoiled milk.

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship land in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. 

The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?'' 

The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''