One employee asked another, "How long have you been working here?"

"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."

A man walks into a bar with a salamander. 

The bartender notices and asks, “What's its name?” 

The man replies, “Tiny.” 

“Why'd you name him that?” the bartender asked. 

The man replies, “Because he's my newt.”

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom!

There are two types of people in this world. 

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

What did Satan say when he started to go bald?

There's going to be hell toupee!

What did the buffalo say to her departing child?

Bye, son!

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

The irate customer called the newspaper office and loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

A grandfather is talking to his grandson. “You know in the good old days, you could go to a store with a quarter, and get a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, a watermelon, and a brand new bike. But today, you can’t do that, nope,........there are just way too many surveillance cameras."

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. 

The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. 

When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. 

Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. 

After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?" 

The boy shook his head, "No." 

"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk. 

The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

Two goldfish are in a tank. 

One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.