How do you spot a vegan at a party? 

Don’t worry they’ll tell you.

This guy is captured by cannibals.

Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.

Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “Hey, either kill me or eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!”

Do you ever wonder what eternity means?

All the time....

What's blue and tastes like red paint?

Blue paint.

Is that a cul-de-sac?

No way.

A man who had come out of a complicated abdominal surgery was complaining of having a bump on his head and a terrible headache. 

The nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operative shock, spoke to the surgeon about it. 

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

A customer walks into a computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."

After a moment the clerk replied, "Have you tried Windows 2000?"

What’s a novel?

Well, you see, it’s kind of a long story....

At a party of professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance, and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"

"Simple," answered the lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."

The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the lawyer.

What does ambiguous mean?

Could mean anything, I guess....

What is perception?

What’s it to you?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Oink oink.

Oink oink who?

Make up your mind, are you a pig or an owl?!

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. 

"No, you idiot!" The man shouted, "This is her husband!"

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. 

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" 

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Cash.

Cash who?

No thanks, but I would like a peanut.