Once, a neighbor commented on how poorly my children looked, their faces brown and shriveled, wrinkled and dehydrated. 

I said I was raisin my kids.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'What's Up, Pussycat'." 

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 

"Is it common?" 

"It's not unusual."

There was once a veterinarian who loved to hack gene sequences. One day he successfully grafted pieces of cantaloup DNA to the DNA of a dog zygote. The engineered zygote soon developed into a little puppy. The result was far less dramatic than one might expect. The animal was recognizably canine, if tiny and roly poly. Its fur had an overall orange tint. The vet raised the puppy to adulthood and all was generally fine, though the animal was rather small and rotund.

The veterinarian noticed that his dog was becoming lethargic and increasingly morose. Being concerned with the animal’s overall health and mental well-being, the vet tried many things to cure his dog’s apparent depression. After all, he felt guilty that its growing languishment could be the direct result of his genetic experimentation. He tried altering the animal’s diet, its exercise, and its play, but nothing seemed to help. Finally he took the dog to an animal psychiatrist.

The vet sat in the waiting room while the orange tinted dog was in with the animal counselor. Finally the door opened, and the veterinarian rose to his feet. The psychiatrist came out with the dog.

“Tell me, Doctor. What’s wrong? Is my dog going to be okay?”

“Don’t worry, Doctor. He’ll be fine. He’s just a little melon collie.”

"There is no free will," said the old sage, "for you may not choose your parents nor the hour of your birth, neither may you select the time and manner of your death, nor may you have any voice in what passes in between, although if you can afford a good plastic surgeon, you might be able to pick your own nose."

What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy? 

A Saddle Light Dish.

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louaville." 

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. 

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." 

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.  At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."  To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

A retired jazz musician was staring at his instrument up on the shelf, fearing it was getting rusty. 

"My horn needs a good blow" he mused.

"Sax! Is that all you can ever think of?" cried his wife.

What keeps a dock floating above water? 

Pier pressure.

What should you give to the person who has everything? 

Penicillin.

What was Good King Wenceslas’s favorite pizza? 

Deep pan, crisp and even.

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive? 

Because turtles have such tiny ears.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? 

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why don't mummies take vacations? 

They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

My dermatologist is very successful; however, he had to build his practice from scratch. 

Unlike other dermatologists who promise an immediate cure, he does not make rash promises.