What do you call a lazy skier? 

A slope poke!

A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. 

An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. 

"My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

A housewife purchased a sausage from her local butcher. 

When she returned, she expressed her dismay that only one end of the sausage had sausage in it. 

The butcher responded, " In these tough times, it's difficult to make both ends meat."

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? 

Half way.

My parents gave me a baby duck for my birthday. 

Do you know what happens to a baby duck before it grows up? 

It grows down.

In the neurobiology lecture, the professor mentioned that much of the data was culled from studies of leeches. 

He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached to the researchers."

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. 

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." 

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" 

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

And then there was the one about the piece of fruit on trial....

It was judged by a jury of his pears.

"Life is a gamble," Mother Cabbage told her offspring, Brussels Sprout. "You have to weather storms and drought. You have to fend off animals, bugs, mold, and rot. But if you hang in there, you'll grow."

"I'll try," said the little Sprout. "But how long does this take. When should I stop growing?" 

"As with any other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head."

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 

The reason? 

What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

What do pelicans eat?

Anything that fits the bill.

There were these two eggs talking in a monastery. 

"I really don't like it here," says one. 

"Why not?" 

"Well, you know, it's always out of the frying pan and into the friar."

And then there was the one about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards....

He was just going through a stage.

A wife invited some people to dinner. 

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. 

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex. 

A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight."