A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year-olds. 

After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill?”

Why did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife, Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother, Scott, along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."

Did you hear the one about the professor that got in a horrible wreck?

He was grading papers on a curve.

What kind of tree grows in your hand?

A palm tree.

What do you call a deer that can kick a ball with his left and right feet? 

Bambidextrious.

What is Irish and stays on your porch, even when it rains?

Patty O'Furniture.

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?

She went out with the tide.

A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. 

It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Why are farmers cruel?

They pull corn by the ears.

I was talking to a female snake the other day. 

She was telling me all about her recent operation. 

Well, of course snakes don't speak English, but I knew what she was saying because she made a hiss direct to me.

Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

In the old days on the plains, cow patties were in great demand, since they made great fuel for the cold winter evenings. Tribes bartered and traded this form of manure. 

One day some new faces showed up and identified themselves as the Grood. The Grood must have been from the East coast, because they were not hip to the ways of the plains, as the locals found out one day. 

A couple of women were gathering fuel when one of the new guys showed up, placed some coins on the ground, gathered up a sackful of manure, loaded it on his horse and rode away. 

“That must be one of the new guys,” said one of the women. 

“How do you know?” asked the other.

“Easy, she replied,”Everyone knows that only the Grood buy dung.”

What do prisoners use to talk to each other?

Cell phones.

What do you get when you cross a toad with mist?

Kermit the Fog.