"I'd like two pork chops," said the patron to her butcher, "and make them lean." 

"Yes ma'am," said the obliging butcher, standing them on end. "Which way?"

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. 

The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat. 

"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.

A famous poet of years gone by was suffering with a cold. He was particularly bothered by a runny nose. 

He went to the doctor, explained his problem to the nurse, and then waited while she went to talk to the doc. 

She told the doctor, "You have to do something about Poe’s nasal drip.”

Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?

Because of all the tellers.

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a parking lot.

What's an educated hole in the wall?

A wisecrack.

What old play is about advertising by sheep farmers?

Much Ado About Mutton.

How many ears does Mr. Spock have? 

Three; a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

What is Transylvania's national sport?

Drac racing.

Why do scientists look for things twice?

Because they re-search everything.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? 

A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

How many 'real men' does it take to change a light bulb?

None. 'Real men' aren't afraid of the dark.

First Woman: Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a new hat.

Second Woman: Oh, so that's where you get them.

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" 

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."