Where do you put a smart hotdog?

On the honor roll.

What washes up on tiny beaches?

Microwaves.

And then there was the one about the streaker in church....

They caught him by the organ.

Who stole the soap from the bathtub?

The robber ducky.

Why do elephants drink so much?

To try to forget.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!

The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." 

His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?

It was a moth ball.

Why did the spider cross the road?

There was no spider. There was no road. The spider is a metaphorical manifestation of your pathological and subconcious fear. Fear of what you may ask? The chicken!

 

What do you do when two snails have a fight?

Let them to slug it out.

A man and his pet pig walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. 

 

They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. 

 

Finally, the bartender says, "Last call." 

 

So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my pig." 

 

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. 

 

Suddenly, the pig falls over dead. 

 

The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. 

 

The bartender, yells, "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." 

 

To which the man replies, "That's not a lion, that's a pig."

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep.

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.

“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”

“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when 

the police officers entered?"

“I was making a bolt for the door!”