Why are frogs so happy?

They get to eat whatever bugs them.

How does a cat get its own way?  

With friendly purrsuasion.

The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Bob, because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns. 

The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.  

They say, “Man, what happened to you?” 

He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. 

They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” 

He says, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  

“Good morning!” he says.  

They can’t believe it.  They say, “Man, what happened?”  

Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched ME all night.”

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?

A walkie-talkie!

These two cannibals are standing in front of a campfire. 

One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law."  

The other cannibal says, "That's okay; just eat the rice."

Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.

Why did the owl make everyone laugh?

Because he was a hoot.

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite

He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line in and minutes later he hooked a largemouth bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.

Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.

"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Sunday school teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: "No, I don't have to."

Teacher: "And why not?"

Sam: "Well, my mom is a good cook."

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.

One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing five hundred hours of Community Service?"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 

 The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

What did the raccoon say in his will?

Leave it to Beaver.

What did the tired chess player do?

He took the knight off.