A man goes into a Greeting Card shop.

Man: Do you sell sympathy cards?

Assistant: We certainly do, Sir.

Man: Could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card I bought yesterday?

A man walks in to a bar and is astonished to see three men and a dog playing poker at a corner table.

He watches in awe, then remarks, "That is the most amazing dog I have ever seen!".

"Nah, he's actually useless," says one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he can't stop wagging his tail". 

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait and a fisherman waits and lies.

There was a tap on my door this morning....

My plumber has a strange sense of humor.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?  

A Do-you-think-he-saurus.

So, then there was the joke about the dyslexic....

He walked into a bra.

Two cannibals were having lunch.

“Your wife makes a great soup,” said one to the other.

“Yes!” agreed the first. “But I'm going to miss her terribly.” 

What kind of birds always stick together?

Velcrows.

What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

The fisherman's wife gave birth to quadruplets. They called the boys: Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall.

They were known as the four sea sons.

Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Fearing that she might be a hemophiliac, the prostitute went to see her doctor.

"It's awful," she says. "Every time I get even a small cut, it takes days for the bleeding to stop."

"I see," said the physician. "And how much do you lose when you get your period?" 

She thought for a moment, then answered, "About five grand."

How do you make an elephant fly?

First, you start with a huge zipper. . . .

What's the biggest rock group in South Dakota?

Mount Rushmore.