How do sheep get clean?

They take a baa-aa-aa-th.

What is the definition of a gold digger?

A woman who doesn't like a man's company unless he owns it.

Two friends were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

One of the guys, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Why was the nose sad?

Because it did not get picked.

Two young women on rigid diets were watching the gifts being unwrapped at a wedding reception when one of them said, ”What they really need is gift certificates from the grocery store.”

Her friend replied, ”Catering service for a year would be even better.”

”Yes,” the first woman conceded with a sigh, ”but wouldn’t that be postponing the inedible?”

A computer buff rigged the lawn mowers at his home and place of business so he could operate them by remote control. Halfway through his next vacation, his wife asked, ”Did you remember to mow the lawns this week?”

”Yes, dear,” he replied, ”I modem yesterday.”

I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group.

It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Why are most monkeys not interested in politics?

They're ape-olitical.

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

“Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time. We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope.”

“Fear not, my King” said Merlin. “I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!”

“Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you’ve lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character… It cannot be done” said Arthur.

“Trust me, my King” said Merlin. “I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant.”

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger — their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit.

A man was out walking a dog, when a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked.

"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.

"How .... odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't heel."

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment, and for swine flu you need oinkment.

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.

He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because she had become … a real nightmare.

Why is sex like a joke?

Some get it, some don't.

Last night, Virginia executed another prisoner. For the first time in four years, the electric chair was used.

One of the media witnesses talking about the prisoner in his last moments, stated that the condemned "...didn't show any resistance."

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…..something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?”

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” Asks the doctor.

“We’re getting a new kitchen.”