What do you call a valley girl with one leg that is shorter than the other?

Like, not even!

Our evening radio DJ plays classical music but later in the night a different DJ plays oldies from the '60's.

I get pretty frustrated because I can't seem to stay awake for the music I like.

I don't hear the rock man enough.

What do cowboys use to signal each other during a midnight round-up?

Communication saddle lights.

A coprolite (fossil feces) was recently discovered which was 17 inches long by 5 inches wide, and 65,000,000 years old and had chopped up dinosaur bone in it.

Paleontologists announced that it was probably from a Tyranosaurus Rex.

They determined it was from a T. Rex by a process of elimination.

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

"If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam."

An Ohio teen has pleaded innocent to stealing his mother's credit card to pay for his girlfriend's breast enlargement surgery.

Police say it's lucky they caught the guy quickly; otherwise, it might have turned into a bigger bust.

What was the turkey suspected of?

Fowl play.

Once upon a time, there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion’s mouth.

When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses.

He called the Lion Tamer into his office.

“I’d really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going,” the owner said. “But I’ve had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you’re good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you’ve got a job.”

“Well, I do need a job,” the Lion Tamer said. “What animals do you have left?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” the owner said, “the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I’d never sell him!”

“I’ll take him,” said the Tamer.

So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act.

The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer’s head going to fit into the dog’s mouth. “My foot will fit,” the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.

Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They’d never seen anything like it before.

At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog’s mouth, the crowd went wild.

“Encore, encore!” the crowd yelled.

Well, the Lion Tamer hadn’t thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, “If one foot is good, two is better.”

So he stuck his other foot into the dog’s mouth.

Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog’s head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer’s legs at mid-calf.

The moral of the story is: “Don’t put all your legs in one Bassett.”

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women."

“Now, I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was one hundred miles long. In the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.” God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

Harry came home from Sunday school one day and asked his mother, "Do people really come from dust?"

"In a way," said his mom.

"And do they go back to dust?"

"Yes, in a way," she replied.

"Well, mom , I looked under my bed, and somebody's either coming or going."

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company.

His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, “You’re new aren’t you?”

The bus driver says, “Yes ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, I’d like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne.”

He simply can’t believe his eyes – these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they’re fat.

The mother says, “Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age…”

He keeps his tongue under control. She says, “I’d like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus.”

“No problem,” he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, “You’re new, aren’t you?” He says,

“Yes, ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, I’d like you to meet my son Josh. He’s very special.”

And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

The mother says, “My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day.”

“No problem,” says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) “You’re new aren’t you?”

He says, “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester.”

And when the driver looks at Lester, it’s a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He’s limping painfully.

The mother says, “Lester has problems with his feet.” The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, “I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall.”

The driver says, “No problem,” and he helps Lester limp to his seat.

And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It’s disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn.

He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, “I quit!”

The boss says, “Whaddya mean, you quit?”

The bus driver replies, “There’s no future in this job.”

The boss says, “What are you talking about?”

The bus driver answers, “Here’s my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be. … Two obese Pattys, special Josh, and Lester Cleese Picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus?”

A gas station down south was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bubba replied, “Naw, it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged — my wife won twice last week.”

Local talk hosts have been talking this morning about a new pharmaceutical product reputed to be under development — chewing gum containing Viagra.

They got around to discussing who the manufacturer most likely would be.

The consensus choice was the Wrigley Company.

When a wild giraffe gets a sore throat, he goes instinctively to a special ‘short tree’ area of the savannah where he can munch leaves at an easier level and hang with other sick giraffes while they all recover together.

When Steven Spielberg heard about this he thought ‘What a swell movie that would make.’ So he went to Africa and spent millions in pre-production trying to make a hit movie with the story of these ailing giraffes.

But it never did quite come together for some reason, and Spielberg was very disappointed. He said to himself, “I wish I could somehow salvage this project, ’cause it’s got a terrific title’”.

The rest, as they say – is history. Sure, he made some kind of a dinosaur flick, but we never did get to see …… Giraffe-Sick Park.

A woman had a magic well.

She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands and the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail. The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water.

This distressed the woman and she decided that she would consult the neighborhood priest.

She showed the priest the problem and the priest decided the well was infected with some sort of malicious spirit. The priest then proceeded to pray and bless the well with holy water.

He then instructed the woman to place the pail on the edge of the well and to clap her hands.

This time the well filled the pail 1/4 full.

The priest then instructed the woman to place the pail a little to the left of the previous spot and to clap her hands.

This time the pail was filled 1/2 full.

The priest then told the woman to move the pail just a bit further to the left and to clap her hands.

This time the pail was filled to the brim and made the woman very happy.

Each day the woman enjoyed the pleasure of getting a full pail of water, as long as she placed the pail in the same exact spot.

She thanked the priest every time she saw him.

One day the priest decided to take the bishop to the woman’s home to demonstrate the procedure.

After seeing the woman go through the steps and the subsequent filling of the pail, the bishop remarked, “I see you have her well trained.”