A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said,"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

Why did the demon and ghoul hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Did you know that the first perfume sprayer was invented in the Garden of Eden?

Eve just shows up naked one day, Atom-izer and begins to recite the Lord's sprayer.

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil.

He promised that, if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back.

So now I have adopted a devil may hair attitude, even though I know that someday there'll be hell toupee.

Why did the priest giggle?

Mass hysteria.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?

Mali-boo!

What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?

A cereal killer.

How does a girl vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

Mas-scare-a.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the boos.

What's a monster's favorite bean?

A human bean.

What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?

A toasty ghosty.

What do skeletons say before eating?

Bone appetite'.

Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast?

His ass was dragon.