What's green, black, white, black, and green?

Two pickles fighting over an Oreo.

"Dad," said Tyrone, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The teens's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's ok," replied the boy. "At least you could try."

Did you hear the one about the two brooms who got married?

The bride broom and groom broom were walking their way down the aisle. The bride broom turns to the groom broom and says, "Honey--we are expecting a little whisk broom."

The groom broom replies: "How can that be? We haven't swept together yet."

What did the finger say to the thumb?

"I'm in glove with you."

The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.

As she stepped outside for a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. "How did you like my execution?" she asked.

The gardener without turning to look at her said, "I'm in favor of it."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"

What state was named for polite criminals?

Con-etiquette.

What's the best way to handle change?

Put it in the parking meter.

What is a pig with laryngitis?

Disgruntled.

Why was the boy covered in gift wrap?

His mom told him to "live in the present".

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

Then there was the joke about the religious slob....

He gave up picking his belly-button for lint.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

He said, “Meet Patty.”

Why did the skunk cross the road?

To get to de odor side.