An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.

As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A man realizes he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he is unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asks the clerk.

"That depends," says the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2 model," the customer says.

The clerk puts the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he says.

"How does it work?" the customer asks.

"For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replies. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."

The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

What do cattle athletes take to make themselves stronger?

Steeroids.

What is the difference between a snake in the road and a lawyer in the road?

Most people try to avoid the snake.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock came and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now, take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.

“Now, take off my socks.” He did.

“Now, take off my skirt.” He did.

“Now, take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town, again!”

A man was out walking on the beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes."

"Alright," said the guy, "I wish for more genies."

Why don't mummies take vacations?

They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark?

They use jackal lanterns.

A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

What do cannibals eat for dessert?

Chocolate-covered aunts.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A bunny walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any carrots?"

The bartender replies, "No."

The next day, the bunny goes to the same bar and asks the bartender, "Got any carrots?"

The bartender says, "No."

Then the third day, the bunny goes back to that same bar and asks, "Got any carrots?"

The bartender says, "No and if you come here asking for carrots again, I'll nail you to the wall!"

The next day, the bunny goes to the same bar and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No."

The bunny says, "Got any carrots?"