What happened to the human cannonball at the circus?

He got fired.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

How many apples grow on trees?

All of them.

Why did the cow jump over the moon?

The milkmaid’s hands were cold.

These two guys are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water. No, replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall." So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard." "Custard?" one of the guys says to the other, "What kind of place is this?" By now, desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

Hearing this, one of the guys turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."

A bounty hunter rode into town one morning and went into the Sheriff's office. "Anyone with a price on his head round these parts?" asked the Bounty Hunter.

"Well," said the Sheriff, "there's a $500 reward, dead or alive, for the Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?!" Exclaimed the Bounty Hunter. "Who in tarnation is the Brown Paper Kid?"

"He's a varmint who wears a hat made from brown paper," replied the Sheriff. "His coat is made from brown paper. His shirts are made from brown paper. He wears pants made from brown paper and his boots are made from brown paper."

"Well," says the Bounty Hunter, "and what's he wanted for?"

The Sheriff replied, "He's wanted for rustling".

What does an egg do when another egg bothers it?

It eggnores it.

What happens when you don’t clean your mirror?

You get a dirty look.

Why do mothers put so much powder on their babies?

Talc is cheap.

In 1853, the Tate Watch Company of Connecticut decided to branch out and produce other products. Compasses for the pioneers traveling west were their first new endeavor. Although they produced fine and accurate watches, the same was not true of their compasses.

Travelers would sometimes end up in Canada or Mexico. Thus came about the phrase, "He who has a Tate's is lost."

Where do vegetables go to get married?

To the Justice of the Peas.

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you are done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."

What kind of book tells you about all the different kinds of owls?

Who's Whoo.

What do you get when you cross a clown with a chicken?

A comedi-hen.

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?

Unhoppy.