Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge.

One day during the winter the lake froze over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the frozen lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon.

Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

Are palm trees always green?

Yes, except at a fortune teller's, where palms are read.

What did the tree surgeon say about the diseased elm?

“Its bark is worse than its blight.”

How do you find Sir Lancelot in the dark?

With a knight light.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

If twelve make a dozen, how many make a million?

Very few.

When does the moon burp?

When it's full.

A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician. The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once daily, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective.

After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor’s office for another prescription.

The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor: “It’s the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses.”

What does your mother's sister become when she's nervous?

Aunt-sy.

What happened to the wooden plane with the wooden wheels and wooden engine?

It wooden go..

What animal says “mooski”?

A Moscow.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ Hell-looo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Why was the dried grape called on in school?

It was raisin its hand.

What do you call a baby ant?

An inf-ant.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in the fridge?

He blew his cool.