Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted.

“So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is great but there's no atmosphere.

Why was Mrs. Rabbit so unhappy?

She had a bad hare day.

Customer: Waiter, this soup is too weak.

Waiter: But sir, it's our best duck soup.

Customer: Oh no it isn't! It's watered down!

What officer takes care of the Army's finances?

The business Major.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Two atoms are walking together down the street. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure? asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?

A Toy-yoda.

What is a synonym?

It's the word you use when you can't spell the other one.

Bonus Saturday Joke

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

What looks like an elephant and flies?

A flying elephant.

What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."