Early Monday Joke

The group of cowboys riding with the sheriff was not gaining on the outlaws at all. The sheriff asked for suggestions. One of the cowboys asked, "Could we could add a male bovine to our group?"

The sheriff nodded and said, "That's posse bull."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A certain young man started a new job in a city. He would drive every day to work, as would most of his colleagues.

The drive was a long one - he had to get into the city through a very congested road tunnel, and it didn't take long for before he had decied to start a ridesharing initiative with his colleagues.

But within a week of starting it, he found with severe pains in his wrists. They seemed to happen while he was driving through the tunnel - he was fine outside the tunnel - but because the tunnel was so busy, they often had to spend some time in there, and it was quite a painful experience for the young man.

He saw a doctor the following weekend, and he was told that he had a problem that is quite common nowadays: carpool tunnel syndrome.

If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P.

So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake. He brought it out, and it was a savory cake. It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top.

I said "That must have taken a lot of effort to make."

And he said "No, it was a pizza cake."

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

In the early 1900's, The Hellman's Mayonnaise company was based in England. In fact, several cases of it were loaded on the Titanic for her maiden voyage. They were to be off loaded at the second port of call, Vera Cruz, Mexico.

We all know what happened to the Titanic, and why the Mexicans celebrate Sinko de Mayo.

Scientists wanting to send a rocket to Jupiter had to really planet.

What animal do you look like when you get into the bathtub?

A little bear!

What kind of monster has the best hearing ?

The eeriest!

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

This guy wanted to get into a night club with a few friends. Unfortunately the dress code stated that without a tie he couldn't get in.

His friends didn't have a spare necktie between them but one of them said, 'Hey,I've got an idea. I have a set of jumper cables in the back of my car. Tie them round your neck, tuck in the ends and you should pass by the doormen.

On re-entering the club, one bouncer was suspicious of his neckwear. On inspection, he relented as long as the guy behaved ... and didn't start anything!