Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the merry-go-round.

After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the blacktop and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that merry-go-round are you?"

The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued.

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nathaniel Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars.

"Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!" was his constant theme.

One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. 'Pull this to end the world' said the sign on it.

Now Nathaniel saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby, the people all swayed by his powerful speaking.

All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked. Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn't stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nathaniel, or run over the Lever.

As the driver explained to the Highway Patrol later, he actually had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nathaniel Evans, he said "Better Nate than Lever."

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?

What's an Eskimo's favorite song?

Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

A man is working on a train collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the engineer to go while there's still a woman half getting on the train. The engineer sets off, the woman falls from the train and is killed. At the trial the man is convicted of murder and, seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's placed in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes," answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" says the man.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the trains selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the engineer to go while people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The guy is convicted of murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so he rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole state of Texas.

The guy is again placed in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The guy eats the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sitting in the chair smiling. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, this guy gets his job back on the trains. Once again he rings the bell while the passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up the chair to the electric supply for all of the United States, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair, smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke clears the man is still sitting there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the guy,

"I'm just a really bad conductor."

What's old, wrinkled, and puts away your underwear?

Your grandma.

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

Where did the king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?

Washington DC.

Bonus Thursday Joke

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

Why did the pony cough?

He was a little hoarse!

How does the moon cut his hair?

E-clipse it!