Ghost

WARNING! TODAY'S JOKE IS FOR ADULTS ONLY! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING JOKE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Once, when I was travelling in the deep south of the USA, I decided to try and understand the culture there.

I was invited by one of my co-workers to attend an evangelical preachers' event, where I could see something that was really “out there”

We went along to a large stadium that seated around 40,000 people. The event was full and everyone was quite excited to be there. The atmosphere was electric. Upon entering I was amazed at the setup, there were lights everywhere , the sound was loud , the crowd was pumped and it was more like a rock concert than going to a church function. In order to get the crowd to a fever pitch there were bands on before the preachers and there was even a very famous pop singer came on to do a song.

The first preacher then came on , he started with a bang. Literally there were fireworks and pyrotechnics. This was some event!

He started preaching in his best preachers voice, “Is everyone having a good time tonight” he shouted.

The crowd loved it and cheered back.

“I'm here to talk to you TONIGHT about the afterlife”

The crowd cheers again.

“I travel from the EAST to the WEST , all over this wide land talking about connecting people with the other side. I ask the PEOPLE about their connection with the other side!”

The crowd hangs on every word , and people are quite overcome with the emotion of the situation. There are people yelling out things like “Praise Be!”

“I ask the people when I travel around , and I ask them “Have you EVER... EVER.... seen a GHOST?””

Lights go on , wild music starts playing and the crowd goes wild. The spotlights pick out people in the crowd that have put their hands up. People near those with their hands in the air are pounding them on the back and pointing them out to others near them. About 20 percent of the crowd have seen a ghost.

“That's amazing” the preacher yells. “Praise those blessed people , and praise the afterlife”

The crowd is lapping the whole thing up without exception. They are all on their feet chanting and stamping their feet. The sound stops and the lights go down again.

“ I travel from the EAST to the WEST , all over this wide land and I ask the PEOPLE questions” The preacher has the people in the palm of his hand. “ I ask the PEOPLE.. Have you EVER... EVER..... TOUCHED a ghost?”

The lights remain low.

The crowd goes silent.

Some of the people in the crowd raise their hand. Around 500 people have touched a ghost.

The lights pick up the people with their hands up. The music starts up again. The crowd loses..its...mind.

“GIVE THOSE PEOPLE A CHEER” the preacher yells. Sweat pours off his face. He runs frantically around the stage.

The people with their hands up stand up.. everyone is cheering. The music is blaring.

“Now... everyone quiet down now”

The music again stops. The lights dim. The crowds sits down expectantly awaiting the next revelation.

The preacher begins again in hushed tones.

“I travel from the EAST to the WEST, from the NORTH to the SOUTH , all over this wide land. I have NEVER , EVER heard an affirmative to this question”

The crowd is hushed, what could it be?

“Has anyone, out there, tonight, who has ever, ever, FUCKED A GHOST?”

The crowd is amazed.

Everyone is silent, there is not a movement in the whole stadium. The preacher has his hand shielding his eyes , searching the crowd. The ushers in the crowd are scanning everyone in their area. The crowd are craning their neck looking around.

Then – one person – way in the back of the crowd puts his hand tentative in the air.

His neighbors, unbelieving nudge each other. Could it be true? They elbow him and encourage him to lift his hand up.

Other people in the area look around. Someone starts clapping. The usher looks over, sees the guy and excitedly raises his hand up to signal he has seen something.

One single spotlight swings around over the crowd. It picks the solitary man up and more people turn around. More people start clapping. The guy gets more confident, raising his hand as high as it will go.

The preacher notices the excitement way in the back of the arena , his eyes go wide in disbelief. He stumbles over to the edge of the stage and looks out.

“Can this be true?” The preacher says in amazement.

More lights swing over to the solitary man in the crowd. He is now lit up and the whole section is clapping and cheering for him. People are slapping him on the back. His eyes are wild with pride.

“ITS A MIRACLE” The preacher screams.

The lights all go on. The music blares at top volume.

“COME ON DOWN” the preacher yells , motioning with both his arms flailing the man should come down to the stage. The man stands up tentatively, but with the cheers of the crowd gathers confidence as he slowly works his way to the aisle. He gets to the aisle and starts walking down. “GIVE THAT GUY AN HALLELUJAH” The preacher screeches.

The entire crowd screams out. The man is boosted again and starts jogging down. The preacher is jumping wildly on the stage.

The man, increasing in confidence with every step starts pumping his fist in the air as he is running down to the stage.

The crowd is jumping up and down in unison. People are crying and weeping. Old ladies are fainting. Men are foaming at the mouth and speaking in tongues. Its a frenzy of activity.

The man reaches the stage. Pyrotechnics explode while balloons are dropping from the roof. The balloons catch fire and land on the crowd. No one minds as they are so enthralled by the display. A dance team comes up behind the preacher followed by a full choir.

The choir sings at the top of their voices.

People lift the man up on their shoulders and carry him to the stage.

“HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE BE” the preacher pants. Both him and the man are out of breath.

The music drops and the crowd goes into a hushed silence

“Now tell everyone – out there , how you fucked a ghost”

The man looks confused, looks over to the preacher and says,

“Ghost? I thought you said goat!” #lamejoke