How many children does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it depends on wattage they are. If they're bright enough, they can do it.

Why is origami television so expensive to watch?

Because it’s pay per view.

How much did Santa's sleigh cost him?

Nothing. It was on the house.

What keeps Gouda up at night?

The Muenster under the bed!

What cereal makes fun of you but doesn't mean it? 

We tease.

Which animal is the best at barbecuing? 

The grilla.

So, this snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "How'd you do that?"

So, a miner and a chemist walk into a geology convention. They approach a table displaying a wide assortment of rocks. 

The chemist points in the booth's direction and asks the miner, "Which is your favorite? Cinnabar or cassiterite?" 

The miner thought for a moment and replied, "Either ore."

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? 

A satisfactory.

What do you call a bird that coughs a lot? 

A phlegmingo.

What's the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? 

They’re both red except for the green one.

A friend called me last night, quite confused, to say a couple of sausages hit him on the head on the way home from the pub. 

"That's nothing!" I replied. "I got hit by four steaks, two pork chops and a leg of lamb."

"What could it be?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"

What do you call a doctor who takes care of whales teeth? 

An orcadontist.

Which public office did the stallion run for? 

Mare.

What's the most commonly misspelled blood type? 

Type O.

What happened when the escalator broke down? 

Everyone stopped and staired.

What do you call sandwich meat if you put it on your lower leg? 

Below knee.

Who was the best kung fu vegetable? 

Brock Lee.

What's the best way to install a toilet relative to the wall? 

Flush.

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains." 

"Pull yourself together, man."

What show do cows love to watch while they're eating?

Graze Anatomy.

If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which work position would it work? 

The crust station.

How do billboards talk to each other? 

They use sign language.

Where do people go to learn to make ice cream? 

Sundae school.

What do you call a tree with no money? 

Burr oak.

If a father asked his child if he would like a tropical fruit, what would the kid say? 

Papa, ya.

Why don't bakers throw away dough? 

Because they're gonna knead it later.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai." 

What's warm and smells like a worm? 

A bird fart.

What do you call the Russian monarch of canyons? 

Czar Chasm.

What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans? 

A brews.

This pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.

"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."

"Count 'em again, doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

What kind of sports car do broke people drive? 

A Poorsche.

What do you call a laughing piano? 

A Yamahahahahaha.

Why don't they put advertisements on The Hulk? 

He's basically a giant banner.

Why was the large vegetable sad after his baseball game? 

He realized he was a meaty-okra athlete.

What's a zookeeper's favorite pasta? 

Turtle-ini.

The archaeologist remarked to his assistant that it smelled funny in the pyramid. 

The assistant replied, "Sorry, I passed gas."

The archaeologist responded, "Ah, so did I. I guess we have a toot in common."

When did the pregnant bed bug give birth? 

In the spring.

What do you call a helpful female sibling? 

Assister.

What do you call omnipotent Earl Grey? 

Almighty.

What's the opposite of progress? 

Congress.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. 

Can you believe that! 2:30 am! 

Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear. 

The doctor says, "That looks nasty." 

The woman replies, "It's just the tip of the iceberg."

What's a pirate's favorite cookie? 

Ships ahoy.

What do toilet paper and numbers have in common? 

Both can be multiplied.

Bunch of old age pensioners protesting outside the hospital yesterday....

What do we want?

Free hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Free hearing aids!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? 

DUUUNNGGGGGGGG!

What did the body builder get for losing all his muscle? 

A trophy.

How do you create light by using water?

Clean the windows!

Imagine a civilization made up of only bedroom furniture -  bed frames, nightstands, drawers etc. 

One day, this beautiful dresser fell down and couldn't get up. "Help help help!" the dresser cried. 

Then suddenly, this mysterious, strong piece of furniture came to her and helped her up. 

She said, "Thank you! You are my knight in shining armoire."

Why didn't the gardener plant any flowers? 

Because she hadn't botany.

What was on the floor in the snake's bathroom? 

Rep tile, of course.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while, she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

What do you call an undecorated aircraft? 

A plain.

What did the bride say when the rattlesnake ate her ring? 

I just want my diamond back.

I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

After a while he said, "Maybe I'll make a bid, eh."

Joey recounted today what he said during his colonoscopy.... 

"Doctor, could you write a note for my wife letting her know my head isn't up there?"

Peaches, the gorilla, escaped from the zoo. 

When they got her back, they had to change her name because she had become an ape re-caught.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 

At the bottom.

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver. 

So I spent all that money, and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk? 

Toucans.

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? 

One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.

Why were the cows disappointed in their number collection? 

Because they lactate.

What did Ernie say when Bert wanted to have some of his frozen yogurt? 

Sherbert.

What gives an engine the ability to hear? 

An engineer.

What happens when your can opener breaks? 

It becomes a can't opener.

Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? 

He was just too far out man.

How do you make a slow worker fast? 

Don't give him anything to eat for a while.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? 

Nothing :(

Joey was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands were slippery with sweat, and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes.

No ambulances were available so he called a toe truck, but they got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached.

He couldn’t walk right, so he could not work. He got workman's comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation.

He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he might find an answer. It said, "Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters."

Having nothing to lose, he followed the instructions and reached the glade. There was a line drawn that said, "Wait here." 

And wait he did for over an hour.

Just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. "Ask your question," it said in a raspy voice.

So Jim related his tale of toe woes.

After listening, the many toed toad replied, "Have you tried the supermarket?"

Joey wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it.

The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them.

He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and Joey ran off (little did Joey know that the toad croaked soon after).

He was able to walk normally again, his wife came back, he got his job back, and everyone lived happily ever after.

The punch line?

It's over there on the table.

What do you call an artistic piece of furniture? 

A drawer.

How do electric cars get into battle? 

They charge.

A man is washing his car with his son.

The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

What noise does a subatomic duck make? 

Quark, quark.

What do you call a southern lumberjack? 

A tree feller.

What is Australian dynamite's favorite pie? 

Boom meringue.

How often does Superman save the planet? 

Daily.

What did the sheep say when he broke up with his girlfriend? 

It's not ewe, it's me.

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

How much does a bottled soft drink cost? 

About a dollar a pop, soda speak.

What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar? 

You clothes it.

Why did the geologist go home early from work? 

Because he felsic.

What do you call a dirty window on the back side of a house? 

A pane in the rear to clean.

What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe? 

That's mitosis.

What is the world's biggest winged insect? 

The Behemoth.

What did the frat guy say when the other frat guy asked if he wanted a pamphlet? 

Brochure.

What do you call the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figure? 

The Toyminator.

What did the banana car do when the traffic signal turned green?

It peeled out.

What did one sponge say to the other sponge? 

Nothing. They were two aloofa.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.

In its place, was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... he was screwed.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.

He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.

He was thrilled.

The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The swami knew exactly why he had come.

The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery....and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver.

In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.

The moral to this story is: "Don't screw around with things you don't understand........you could lose your ass."

What do you call an evil man with two belly buttons? 

Di-umbilical.

How does Davy Crockett like his pie? 

Alamoed.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? 

Because he had a very large bill.

What do New Englanders call a crate full of dentures? 

A mass of chew sets.

It's a little known fact that Aaron Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack. 

His name was Tim.

What do you call an Egyptian back doctor?

A Cairopractor.

What do you call a mushroom you can take anywhere?

A portable-o.

What is Roman cheese? 

Cheese that won't sit still.

Joey took his seven year old son to the zoo yesterday. 

While they were walking around, he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!”

Joey was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at them. “What did you just call it?” he asked.

“It's a frickin' elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said. 

And so it did: A F R I C A N Elephant.

Where do eggplants come from?

Chicken plants.

One day, a boy was playing with his friends when they got into an argument.

His friend finally said, "Oh yeah! I hear your mom likes giant purple flasters!"

Confused, the young boy went home. In the kitchen, he saw his mom and he asked her, "Mom. What is a purple flaster?"

His mom blushed and got angry. "Where did you hear that? Don't ever ask me that again! If you want to know go ask your father!"

Now, really confused, the boy goes to the garage and finds his father. "Dad, I asked mom a question but she said I should talk to you. What's a purple flaster?"

His dad blushes and says, "Who told you about that.... you shouldn't be asking me that.... if you want to know about that you should go talk to Father Flanagan at the church."

So the boy jumps on his bike and rides to the church. He goes inside and finds Father Flanagan. "Father I am really confused. I asked Mom and Dad about purple flasters but they got mad and wouldn't tell me. They said I should talk to you about it."

Father Flanagan replied, "Ah, dear boy, you are too young to know about such things... come back in a year and I will tell you all about it."

So the boy, still confused, jumps on his bike and heads for home. As he crosses the street.... BAM! He gets hit by a truck.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

Why can't two elephants go swimming? 

Because they only have one pair of trunks.

Why do chemists love nitrates so much? 

Because they are cheaper than dayrates.

What did the newspaper say about Pete Townshend's schnoz? 

Who nose.

There are some things I really like.

Like infomercials.

But wait, there's more.

What's pink and fluffy? 

Pink fluff.

How do cows pay for lunch? 

With moola.

What's a chicken's favorite game in  the pool? 

Marco Pollo.

What's a dog's favorite game to play in the pool? 

Barko polo.

How do midwives get paid? 

Cash on delivery.

How did the people behind the latest computer hack escape? 

They ransomware.

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? 

One, two! One, two! One, two! 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

Not just me. You are too.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg.

This therapist had a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. 

So he tested it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raised their hands, each of them grinning widely. 

“Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raised their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. 

“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly went up. Then he asked, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumped up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. 

The therapist was shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asked, “why are you so happy?”

The man yelled, “Today’s the day!”

What do you call a mom with social anxiety?

Mum.

What did sushi A say to sushi B? 

WasssaBi!

Why didn't anyone want to go to the local tailor? 

Because he seamed like he was incompetent.

Sometimes I have a hard time telling people "No".

In fact, one of my friends gave me a mini-lecture about my inability say "No", and then told me that I really need to choose my "Noes".

To which, I, of course, responded, "No, rhinoplasty is too expensive!"

What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

You can't sew a zipper on a mosquito.

A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

The preacher replied, "Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

What's the proper way to address a hippie's wife? 

Mississippi.

What do bees call their wives? 

Honey.

The use of capital letters can really change the meaning of a sentence. 

For example: 

I like to eat pancakes. 

I like to eat capital letters.

What do you call a short clown? 

A little funny.

What's it called when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week? 

Ogretime.

What did Blackbeard get on his report card? 

Seven Cs.

What's the best place to buy Cheerios and donuts? 

Hole Foods.

How do you get in contact with a Greek architect? 

You column.

What do cavemen do on the weekends? 

They go clubbing.

What do you call a group of bovine running from their problems? 

Cow herds.

What's the first dinosaur you see in the morning? 

The Crackodon.

What should you do if you're being chased by a sarcophagus? 

Throw a throat lozenge at it. That will make the coffin stop.

What does a neurotic lingerie model wear?

A Freudian slip.

What do you call it when a pig gets air sickness? 

Swine flew.

What's the best part of a mailbox joke? 

The delivery.

How do you tear down a fireplace? 

You dismantle it.

What do you call a wasp that dresses in yellow and black?

A wanna bee.

I got to have lunch with the world chess champion recently. 

It took him twenty minutes to pass the salt though. 

And he didn't pick up the check, mate,

What did one depressed rabbit say to the other?

Do you even carrot all?

What did the film teacher tell his students? 

You need to focus.

Joey took his grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. 

He said that it was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

What did the cannibal order at the Chinese restaurant? 

Chow man.

How do flamenco dancers catch fish? 

They castanet!

What do you call a flower's offspring? 

An orkid.

What did the father squirrel tell his son? 

Acorny joke.

A giant light bulb walks into a bar. 

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! What's the big idea?"

Why was the pirate such a good boxer? 

He had a great right hook.

A cosmetic company has finally discovered the leading cause of dry skin. 

It's towels.

How do trains eat?

They chew chew.

Joey's wife was complaining that he didn't listen to her anymore. 

Joey replied, "No thanks, I've just had one."

Why do basic white girls make terrible math tutors? 

Because they literally can't even.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. 

A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice! 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am. But I think your husband just slid under the table." 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

A quick guide on "How To Fall Downstairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

If I ate beans and you ate beans, how old would we be? 

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.

Why does Lex Luthor carry around a gun and a spoon wherever he goes? 

In case he ever meets soup or man.

What do you call a band made of psychoanalysts? 

Pink Freud.

How do you start a flea circus? 

Build it from scratch.

Why did Mike Tyson send his lemonade back? 

It tasted like pith.

Why did the pirates stop playing chess? 

Because it was getting stale, matey.

What do marsupials prefer to drink instead of water? 

Any kind of koala tea drink.

What do you call a driver that's never been in an accident? 

Wreckless.

How can you tell if someone's a priest? 

Collar ID.

What do you call a section of musicians who refuse to play? 

A non-violin protest.

Why did Thor only invite his brother to his party? 

He wanted to keep it low key.

What did the tree say after a long winter? 

What a re-leaf!

How does a Lego man measure his shoe-size? 

In square feet

What's another word for cat drool?

Mewcus.

Why was the religious chef sacked from the ice-cream parlor? 

He refused to work on sundaes.

What's an alpaca's favorite type of music? 

Alpacappella.

Have you ever heard of Murphy's law?

It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Have you ever heard of Cole's law? 

It's just thinly sliced cabbage

How did the typewriter know it was pregnant?

It skipped a period.

What did the Italian dish say when asked why it couldn't get into the house?

Gnocchi.

There have been years of analysis by mainframe computers but it was a humble supermarket self checkout which finally unlocked the secrets of how dogs communicate with each other. 

Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.

Why did the bird cross the kitchen? 

To Eat! To Eat! To Eat!

How do you make an Escalade? 

Two cups of water, two tablespoons of sugar, and one freshly squeezed escal.

I went to the zoo yesterday and, can you believe it, I saw eight large baguettes in a cage! 

The zoo keeper told me they were bread in captivity.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,

"Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a zoologist!"

What's the point of the ethernet?

To catch the ether bunny.

What do you call an army of baby oaks?

The infantree.

Why couldn't the musher get his new puppy's harness on?

The dog was a little husky.

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

What do you call an animal that only walks in straight lines?

Not turnal.

Why was the wrist afraid of the watch? 

The watch was a total Seiko.

What do you get when you see a ghost twice? 

Déjà boo!

What type of word is "echoing"?

A reverb.

What do you call a baker with codependency issues? 

Kneady.

Why aren't Greek yogurt and American yogurt the same? 

They come from different cultures.

What kind of bagel can fly? 

A plain bagel.

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese, with her spoon.

What's a robot's favorite website? 

Cyb.org.

It's difficult to say what Joey's wife does for a living.

She sells seashells at the seashore.

Sir Blanc was a knight who had three squires.

The first was kidnapped by bandits, the second was knocked out during a battle and captured by the enemy. 

The third, thinking that this life was too dangerous, ran away. 

In the morning the knight found an nearly empty sheet of parchment. 

The only thing written on it was: "This page intentionally left Blanc"

Which knight never won a battle?

Sir Render.

What did the elephant do when he got a rash? 

He went to the pachyderm-atologist.

How often should you wear gloves in the winter? 

Intermittenly.

What is Bigfoot's favorite food? 

Spagyeti.

Why was the desert plateau embarrassed? 

Its butte was exposed.

What do Amtrak conductors have to do before they can work on the job? 

Train.

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. 

After dinner, the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” 

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

How do trains drink? 

They chug.

Which brand of computers do Harry Potter fans prefer? 

HP.

What do you call oxymoronic artiodactyls? 

Hippocritters.

Every morning an old miner went to work, picked up his pickaxe and didn't think much about it. 

Years pass, and he just goes to work, takes his pickaxe and never thinks much about it. 

One morning he goes to work, but his pickaxe isn't there, it's gone. 

He sighes, and thinks to himself, "All these years, I took this pickaxe for granite."

Where do sick boats go? 

The dock.

What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? 

They get their masters.

Joey's father had a messed up sense of humor. 

He loved to tell Joey and his siblings stories before bed. 

His favorite was the classic Peter Pan. 

But somehow every time at the end he found a new way for Captain Hook to win and gruesomely kill Peter. 

Luckily, Joey didn't inherit his deadpan sense of humor.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

....

How to you tell a male ant from a female ant?

Throw them in a bucket of water.

If it floats, it's buoyant.

What do you do to an open wardrobe? 

You closet.

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.

Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying a geometry textbook. 

He raises his glass and says...

"Here's looking at Euclid."

If The Rock runs for president in 2020, what's the only thing that can defeat him?

Paper.

The fence around our yard that's full of holes is a fence sieve. 

I strained to make this joke up as I was cooking dinner last night. 

And, as you can see, the punchline is pretty weak and doesn't hold water.

What do you call a temporary teacher fart? 

A substitoot.

What kind of underwear do letters wear?  

Diphthongs.

The five year old was asked at school what he wanted to be when he grew up.

His response? A hexagon.

All I have to say is that he'd better get into shape.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats.

He paid $1,700 for each ticket.

He didn't realize when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding - so now he can't go.

If you are interested and would like to go in his place:

It's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00pm.

Her name is Nancy.

She's great looking, 5'4", about 115 lbs.

Good cook.

Makes $90,000 a year!

She’ll be the one in the white dress.