What do you call a pig with three eyes? 

A piiig.

What's red and bad for your teeth? 

A brick.

Why couldn't the flower ride a bike? 

The pedals fell off!

An instructor sat down with a new client at the gym to review her application.

For the question, “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman had written “Horrendous eating habits.”

“What makes you say that?” the instructor asked.

The woman replied, “I can’t spell atrocious.”

His father sends a small boy to bed. 

Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" 

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" 

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later....

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Why couldn't the viper viper nose?

Coz the adder adder 'ankerchief.

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked, "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. 

The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again, "Mother?" she sweetly asked.

"Yes?" Her mother replied. 

"Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. 

To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." 

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" 

"Great!" said the teacher, "what were they saying?" 

"I don't know," the boy replied, "I couldn't understand them."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter.

"Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

"How can you tell males and females apart?" she asked.

He responded, "Three were on a beer can. Two were on the phone."

A friend of mine tried to build a gear-box for his car using nothing but dried grass.

It was never going to work; I think he was clutching at straws.

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

What's green, black, white, black, and green?

A pickle Oreo sandwich!

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife?

It was in the newspaper, in the current affairs section.

A guy, riding on a train, had to use the restroom. Suddenly he reached up and started pulling on the emergency cord. The train screeched to a halt, throwing everyone out of their seats. Luggage went everywhere. 

The conductor asked the man, "Buddy, why'd you stop the train?"

The guy said, "I have hemorrhoids."

The conductor said, "Heck, a lot of people have hemorrhoids!"

The guy said, "Wrapped around an axle?"

Where did the seaweed find a job?

In the Kelp Wanted section.

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race whose planet is entirely covered by one gigantic shopping center.

The skeptical scientists didn't believe it at first, but they've now confirmed that it's a mall world after all.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens weren't invented yet.

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, my Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word upon which I am not too clear."

"What word is that?" asked his Lordship.

"Aplomb, my Lord."

"Now, that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer.

Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them."

"Well," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself deeply into his thumb."

"I witnessed the incident, my Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate, inquired of Will with a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Two salesmen have been called to a meeting at a company which is looking to buy one of their products. The decision of which product to buy will be based on these presentations, so for both salesmen it's a vitally important day.

In the board room, the company directors have all been gathered, and the first salesman is called into the room.

His presentation uses a flip-chart, with his diagrams all pre-printed on the pages of the chart.

The pages are all organized in the right order, and the presentation goes completely smoothly. The board are impressed, but they still need to see the other presentation.

So the second salesman is called into the board room to face the directors.

He has decided to use an overhead projector for his presentation, with acetate slides, but it's otherwise much the same as the first one. His slides are organized in a folder carefully in the right order, with bookmarks for important slides so he can go back to them if there's any questions.

The presentation starts off well, as he works his way through the slides, but right in the middle, just as he's reaching the most important section, his ultimate nightmare strikes - he drops the folder, and his carefully organized acetates scatter all over the floor.

In a panic, he gathers them together. But it's too late - his presentation is in chaos. Even without the embarrassment, the sheets are now all in the wrong order, some have gotten dirty from the floor, and there's one particular one that he just can't seem to find anywhere.

He finishes his speech, but he knows even before he's finished that he's lost the deal, and so it proves to be. The final announcement is made in favor of the first salesman's product, and so the second salesman has lost the business.

After all, he who acetates is lost.

How do you get down off of an elephant?

You don't get down off of an elephant, you get down off of a duck.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

What's green, fuzzy, and, if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?

A pool table.

What's the difference between zombies?

Zombies make honey, and zombies don't.

The television game show was being recorded. The contestant was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to him, and read the question slowly and carefully. But the contestant didn't know the answer!

Fortunately, he had a backup plan (there was no way he was missing out on this million bucks!). He let out a piercing whistle, and from the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armor appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host.

The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. 

He leapt into the air, and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell sprawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process.

The game show host was just beginning to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back at the contestant, and said, "Is that your final lancer?"

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of colored bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.

He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"