The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. 

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" 

"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

Which baseball player makes flapjacks?

The batter.

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?

Something catchy!

Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

Two farmers, John and Henry, were sitting around talking about their day when John notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. 

He turned to his friend and asks, "Henry, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well, John, that pig...," his eyes mist up, "That pig's mighty special! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No, just got a few scratches, nothing too serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol' pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and before we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved them all!"

"Ahh so that's when he hurt his leg?"

"No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out...but that's not how he hurt his leg." "Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too."

"Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?"

"Well", Henry begins to explain, "A pig that amazing...you don't want to eat it all at once."

The other night this woman was invited out for a night with the girls. She told her husband that she would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she headed home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' three times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she 'cuckooed' another NINE times.

She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. 

The next morning when her husband asked her what time she got in, she told him, "Midnight."

He didn't seem angry in the least. Whew, she got away with that one!

 

Then he said, "But we need a new clock."

When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit', cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.

He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

A priest is walking down the street and runs into a homeless looking drunk outside a bar who claimed to be Jesus. The priest disagreed and tried to continue but the man insisted he was Jesus.

Finally, the priest says, "Alright, if you are really Jesus, how can you prove it?"

"Come with me," the man said.

The priest follows the man inside the bar and immediately the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, not you again."

Then there was the one about the cannibals that attended the wedding....

They toasted the bride and groom.

What happens if you pas gas in church?

You have to sit in your own pew.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.  He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over.  Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" 

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.  Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" 

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."

Harvey, late for an important meeting, was searching desperately for a parking spot in a parking lot. Looking up to the heavens he entreated “God, if you find me a parking spot, I promise to start going to church again.” 

The words were barely out of his mouth when a spot opened up right in front of his car. Harvey looked back up, “Never mind, I found one.”

Why are cowboy hats turned up on the sides?

So three people can fit in the pickup.

There were these three guys talking in the tavern. Two of them were talking about the amount of control have over their wives, while the third remained silent.

After a while, one of the two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third guy said, "I'll tell you - just the other night my wife comes to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?"

The third guy took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

A property manager of a single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

What did one pig say to the other on the hottest day of the year? 

“I’m bacon.”

A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan. 

Inside the bank, he tells the manager, “I want to borrow $10,000 to build a bathroom in my house.” 

“I don’t believe I know you,” says the manager. “Where have you done your business before?” 

The hermit replies, “Out back in the woods.”

About a month before her grandfather died, her grandmother covered his back with lard. 

After that, he went downhill very quickly.

What do you call an old snowman?

Water!

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”

The driver said, “You buyin’?”

What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?

I don't know either, but I wouldn't milk it. Yikes!

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. 

The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. 

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. 

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. 

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

Why did the man take toilet paper to the party? 

Because he was a party pooper.