A chipmunk walked into a hardware store because he was redoing his bar. He asked the clerk where he could get one of those table tops that opens and shuts on a hinge.

The clerk wasn't sure. So the chipmunk said, "Yeah, you know, the kind those blue jays above me have."

"Oh", said the clerk, "You mean closing counters of the bird kind!"

What did the circle say to the square?

"I'll be a round."

One of the more interesting navigation stories is the legendary “Impossible Virgin Island” reputedly hidden in plain sight in the midst of the Florida keys. Supposedly, this was a source of fresh water for the pirates that once laired in this area.

It is true that no one had ever identified this island, though there have been many boats sunk by unexpected encounters with the numerous reefs and shoals in the area. There was no safe way to approach the island by boat.

I think it was somebody in NASA, using satellite photographs, that located a previously unknown key with a source of fresh water, and there is a suggestion that this is indeed the island.

My reaction to this news was simple, “Well isle, be among keys, sunk all.”

What kind of dancing do pirates love?

The rum-ba.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t, and said so.

Then she said “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well,? Is she selling drugs?” she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.”

“A battery salesperson?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied, “She sells ‘C’ cells by the sea shore.”

What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?

A goblet.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

What does a chicken say when it goes to the library?

"Book-book-book-book-book!"

A young man visited his friend’s home at dinner time. Upstairs the kids were yelling and screaming. The young man commented “It sounds like a den of iniquity up there.”

Replied the father, “Oh no, that’s just the kids dividing up a pizza. It’s more like a din of inequity.”

What does a shark use for a barbeque?

Sharkoal.

A famous football player for the Minnesota Vikings had died, and because he believed he was descended from a real Viking, he wanted to be cremated on an open pyre.

At the ceremony, a fan of the player managed to get through security and began to make a pest of himself by asking questions of the other football players in attendance. The security people began to chase the gate-crasher and, unfortunately, he stumbled into the fire and perished along with the body being cremated.

It was a case of going from the prying fan into the pyre.

How do law students date?

They court each other.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench… After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ Hell-looo! It’s only 25 cents!”

If five dogs are chasing a cat down the street, what time is it?

Five after one.

Randy had seen one too many movies. A bow and arrow was a cool weapon. He decided to try to make some arrows.

He found some oak dowels; a local fabric store provided decorative feathers; and, for his first effort, a push-pin provided a weighted tip.

His friend Tommy had a bow-and-arrow set, so he went to Tommy’s to try out his creation. Unfortunately, when he set it against the bowstring, it popped off. Not once; not twice; all eight times.

Randy sat back and thought a few minutes. Then he took a knife and cut a little “V” in the back end of the arrow. “There,” he said, “now, it should work. Nock on wood.”

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop out the litter box.

What do you get when you cross a cactus and a porcupine?

Sore hands.

Why couldn't the writer cross the road?

He had authoritis.

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

“Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time.” (Kings speak in that phony kind of prose so you’ll have to excuse him) “We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope.”

“Fear not, my King” said Merlin. “I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!”

“Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you’ve lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character… It cannot be done” said Arthur.

“Trust me, my King” said Merlin. “I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant.”

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger — their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit.

What did one sheep say to the other sheep?

"After ewe."

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull “Why didn’t you fall down like the rest of the herd?”

The bull replied “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

What happened to the baseball player who was always late for dinner?

His wife threw him out at home.

Why do toadstools grow so close together?

They don’t need mushroom.

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the star and the producer.

It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all. You might even say she was … shared skit less.

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of “dye a rhea”.

A college freshman on a dare stole twenty-three bottles of beer one night.

But to his relief the District Attorney dropped the charges.

She said she could not make a case of it.

What did the light bulb say to the switch?

"You turn me on."

What would you get if you crossed Prince Charles with Moby Dick?

The Prince of Whales.

I was working in the yard one day when my dog ran up. In his mouth was the carcass of some creature, I couldn’t tell what. Whatever it was, it stunk to high heaven!

Apparently this did not phase the dog, he commenced to “dig in” and enjoy this foul feast.

Just about then, my neighbor dropped by and saw what the dog was doing. “You better stop him!” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“You don’t know what that is, it might kill him!” he exclaimed.

I considered this for a moment, and decided he might be right. So I went over to take “it” away from the dog.

The dog was having none of this. First he growled to keep me away. Then he simply grabbed the mess and ran, just far enough, and started “dining” again. After a few attempts like this, I gave up.

So anyway, after a bit, he had eaten the entire thing and lay down to rest. My neighbor and I, not knowing what else to do, just watched him. All was well for about 10 minutes, when suddenly he started letting out the rankest farts I’ve ever smelled! Both my neighbor and I had to go to the other side of the yard to escape!

Anyway, after a few minutes, the dog, farting almost continuously now, began running around in circles! We didn’t know quite what to make of this, and so just kept watching. About ten to fifteen minutes later, the dog stopped and simply fell over on the ground!

“Is he dead?” asked my neighbor.

I went over to him, and saw he was still breathing and did not seem to be in any distress.

I turned to my neighbor and said, “No, I think he just ran out of gas.”

One Sunday, a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said:

“I’ll take him, and him, and him."