A man started a tradition of taking his young son camping every New Year’s Eve. Since they lived in the South, though it still got cold on New Year’s Eve, it was not the biting cold of the North and, with the older man and the young fellow bundled up warmly, the temperatures were not unbearable. But the son didn’t have the taste for camping and for nature that his dad did.

Their equipment was on the primitive side: No air mattresses, for example–they slept in plain old sleeping bags. And they slept inside an old World War I army surplus tent.

Alas, one year the well-worn tent finally succumbed to a rip in the canvas, and in the middle of the night a nocturnal bird got into the tent, startling the son horribly. Frightened, he grabbed up his backpack and sleeping bag, pulled his dad to his feet, and headed out into the night, running toward where they had left their van.

“Wait!” said the father, mindful that the son was leaving something behind. “Should owled and quaint tents be forgot?”

A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug. But when he tries to drink from it, he discovers the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. He complains to the counter staff, but doesn’t get anywhere. So they call the manager.

“But it’s exactly what you asked for,” the manager says.

Replies the customer, “How can this possibly be what I ordered?”

“It’s a cup o’ chinos,” says the manager.

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available.

He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket – clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie’s office, the question was put to him.

“So what’s the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin’ or you just want to always be ready or what?”

“Not scared …” Benny growled, “been doin’ it dis way ever since me sister-in-law’s weddin’ ’bout ten years ago now.”

“Oh yeah?… So …?”

“Well, I useta know her fiance at da time – a no good chiseler who made it wit all da dames. He never even loved the goil so much… But he made her happy, and so I kept me mouth shut about it,” Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

“And since dat time I gotta do it dis way.”

“But WHY?!”, Louie finally demanded?

“Well, I was at da wedding,” grumbled Benny, and I wasn’t about to say nuttin’ about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said …

‘Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!’ ”

Which book is about chickens?

The hen-cyclopedia.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a fierce battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

“Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird crap.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

Where do pigs sit?

On pork benches.

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused… told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4″ shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

“So,” I said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.” He just looked at me and said, . . .“I stand corrected.”

There was an ancient religious order who only practiced their rites in natural surroundings, never in buildings. Their favorite site was a clearing deep in a dark forest where they could celebrate their mass undisturbed.

A young member of the order wanted badly to become a priest and was given the opportunity to try out’, so to speak by demonstrating his knowledge of their mass by officiating. Not wanting to take a chance of forgetting the words, he copied all the words onto a scroll, dug a pit beneath one of the trees in the clearing where the demonstration was to take place and secretly buried the scroll there well in advance of the appointed time.

He was, of course, nervous when the time came and part way through the rite, he could not remember the words. Unfortunately, he had also forgotten under which tree he had buried the scroll and he was not able to find it and complete the rite.

He flunked the test because he couldn’t tell his mass from a scroll in the ground!

While Christmas shopping at a local toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others.

Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself.

"Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," Wally replied.

"Then why are you standing in this long line?"

"Well, I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

"Do I have to eat my Brussels sprouts?"

In my travels, I recently drove through a small southern town and came upon a Nativity Scene that had been created with great skill and talent. The only thing that I couldn't understand was why the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

At a "Quicky Mart" at the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but that I simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible out from behind the counter, ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here: the three Wise Men came from afar..."

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “Please, give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

While a youth, King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him right then, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; and if, after a year, he had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: what do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult an old witch that lived in a far corner of his kingdom — only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was known throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

Having no answer, Arthur had no alternative but to approach the witch. She told him she knew the answer and agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth and smelled like sewage. Having never encountered such a repugnant creature, he refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, the wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur a total pardon.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and there wasn’t a guest that didn’t pity Gawain!

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she’d appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is: If your woman doesn’t get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

A woman, who was on a perennial diet, starved her husband right along with herself, till he complained to his pastor that he couldn’t get his wife to serve him a decent meal and he was growing positively malnourished.

“I can’t get her to listen to reason. Maybe you can get somewhere with her,” the hubby complained.

So the pastor counselled the ever-dieting woman, who at last saw the error of her ways.

“What shall I do to make amends?” she asked her spiritual counselor.

He told her, “Just repent and thin no more.”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man says, “What’s the name of the restaurant?”

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, “Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”

His friend replies, “A carnation?”

“No, no. The other one,” the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, “The poppy?”

“Nahhhh,” growls the man. “You know – the one that is red and has thorns.”

His friend says, “Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes! Thank you!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Two painters, one an old man and the other a youngster, were painting a very large home. It was getting late in the day when they reached the second floor.

There ahead of them was a very long corridor. The older painter said, "I've had enough for one day I quit. How about you?"

With that the younger painter headed toward the corridor and said, "Not me I'm in this for the long hall."

This scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence. The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard from the horn.

He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he’d had any luck.

“Yep”, he replied. “Beep repaired!”

As the blond was standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the club’s pro, she watched a foursome in the process of teeing off. The first golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

“That was a really good shot,” said the blond.

“Not bad considering my impediment,” said the golfer.

“What do you mean?

“I have a glass eye,” said the golfer.

“I don’t believe you!”

So he popped out his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Again, the blonde exclaimed, “That was a really good shot!”

“Not bad considering my impediment,” said the golfer.

“What’s wrong with you?” said the blond.

“I have a prosthetic arm,” he replied.

“I don’t believe you, show me,” said the blond. So he screwed his arm off and showed it to her.

The next golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. “That was a really good shot,” said the blond.

“Not bad considering my impediment,” said the golfer.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I have a prosthetic leg.”

“I don’t believe you!”

So that golfer screwed his leg off and showed it to her.

The fourth golfer then addressed his ball, swung, and blasted it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway .

“That was a wonderful shot,” said the blond.

“Not bad considering my impediment,” said the golfer.

“Now what’s wrong with you?” she asked.

“I have an artificial heart,” said the golfer.

“I don’t believe you, show me.”

“Well, I can’t show you out here,” the golfer said. “Come around behind the Pro-Shop.”

As he nor the blond had not returned after a few minutes, his golf buddies decided to go see what was holding things up. As they turned the corner and went behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there was their pal — screwing his heart out.

Which is the most feared of the forest inhabitants?

The hawk claimed that, because he had the ability to fly, he could attack anything from above, and his prey wouldn’t have a prayer.

“Due to my strength, no one would challenge me!” said the lion, pride fully.

The skunk, incensed, said, “I need neither flight nor might to frighten off any creature!”

The trio were debating the issue, when a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all; hawk, lion, and stinker.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Now, her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and wrap it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.

“You’re getting your Christmas present a week early this year,” her mother explained and handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. “Is this what you wanted?”

The little girl, whose name was Kitty, said, “It’s wonderful, Mother…just what I wanted. There’s just one thing wrong!”

“What’s that?” her mother asked.

“Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and a cute little claw on the inside of every paw – but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!”

Her mother smiled. “Don’t worry, Kitty….when you wake up on Christmas morning you’ll find the claws are there.”

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn’t even a hint, a clue, or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws!

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, “Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There’s only a few hours to go and there’s not a hint or clue, or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see!”

“Wait ’till you wake up on Christmas morning,” her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.

So, Kitty went to sleep a worried little girl. And when she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.

She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent’s bedroom. “Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!’”

“Of course it has,” her mother grinned.

“But how did you know?” Kitty demanded.

Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed,”Oh, Kitty, everybody knows….that Center-claws always comes at Christmas!”

Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren’t quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

“Not here!” they said. …very confusing. Until Marco came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu’Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marco was very impressed!

But still he wondered, “Why here?” At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

The guide answered, "Why honored Sir, We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu’Lai”

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3×5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.

Joe wrote, “The office workers should all be given raises!” When he looked at Frank’s card, it said “Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three-weeks holiday each year?”

Joe said, “Frank, that isn’t the right way of getting things changed around here — you shouldn’t put all of your begs in one ask-it…”

What's the laziest part of a car?

The wheels - they're always tired.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So, he asked them, “What’s the Purple Wombat?”

“You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

“Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the children shouted. “Billy doesn’t know what the Purple Wombat is!”

The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the Pledge of Allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, “Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?”

“You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm, “Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts — march!”

So, Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

“Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?”

“Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s been acting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff.”

“Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the principal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?”

“It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.”

“What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.”

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

“Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?”

“Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’s office and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!”

“What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked. “Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!”

So, Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

“Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother says you’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?”

“Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!”

“You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!”

Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.”

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

“Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.”

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

“Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.”

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

“Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.”

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

“Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.”

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But, he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

“Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.”

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

“Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.”

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But, he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

“Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.”

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.”

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’t know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral of this story: Don’t stand up in a boat.

The confused young man just couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.

What do you call a super pig that can climb up the sides of buildings?

Spiderham.

Attila the Hun was riding across Eastern Europe pillaging, burning, and raping. As he came up to the next small village in his path, he brought his horde to a halt. There was a small, naked boy standing in the middle of the road. The little boy was eating M&Ms. This has nothing to do with the story, but adds a little human interest.

Well, Attila and the horde had a good laugh, and Attila decides to spare the little boy’s life. He ordered one of his men to throw the little boy off the road. The soldier got off his horse and started for the boy. When he got about 10 feet from the little boy, the little boy started peeing at the man. Well, Attila and the rest of horde had another good laugh, but it pissed off the soldier. The closer the soldier got to the little boy, the harder the stream of pee from the little boy. Before the soldier got to the boy the stream of pee was so powerful it knocked the soldier down and rolled him back to his horse.

Attila’s soldiers, one by one, tried to move the little boy off the road but each time the same thing happened.

Finally, Attila shouted, “Enough!” He got off his horse walked over to the little boy, who was still peeing, and threw him off the road. Attila walked back to his horse.

One of his generals said, “Attila, all of your soldiers, some of the meanest, roughest, toughest men alive could not get to the boy! How is it you were able to reach the boy without being knocked down by the little boy’s pee?”

Attila replied, … “I’m not affected by peer pressure.”

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does a scuba diver get?

Undertow.

A prominent banker gave his teenage daughter, a student at the Actors’ Studio, a pedigreed pup for her birthday, warning her that the little dog had not yet been housebroken.

Sure enough, an hour later, when he wandered into his daughter’s study, he found her contemplating a small puddle in the center of the room.

“My pup,” she murmured sadly, “runneth over.”

It was a hot summer’s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the Fourth of July. He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie’s cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan’s kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

Why was the cannibal suspended from school?

He tried to butter up his teacher.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?

Missile toe.

A chipmunk walked into a hardware store because he was redoing his bar. He asked the clerk where he could get one of those table tops that opens and shuts on a hinge.

The clerk wasn't sure. So the chipmunk said, "Yeah, you know, the kind those blue jays above me have."

"Oh", said the clerk, "You mean closing counters of the bird kind!"

What did the circle say to the square?

"I'll be a round."

One of the more interesting navigation stories is the legendary “Impossible Virgin Island” reputedly hidden in plain sight in the midst of the Florida keys. Supposedly, this was a source of fresh water for the pirates that once laired in this area.

It is true that no one had ever identified this island, though there have been many boats sunk by unexpected encounters with the numerous reefs and shoals in the area. There was no safe way to approach the island by boat.

I think it was somebody in NASA, using satellite photographs, that located a previously unknown key with a source of fresh water, and there is a suggestion that this is indeed the island.

My reaction to this news was simple, “Well isle, be among keys, sunk all.”

What kind of dancing do pirates love?

The rum-ba.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t, and said so.

Then she said “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well,? Is she selling drugs?” she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.”

“A battery salesperson?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied, “She sells ‘C’ cells by the sea shore.”

What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?

A goblet.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

What does a chicken say when it goes to the library?

"Book-book-book-book-book!"

A young man visited his friend’s home at dinner time. Upstairs the kids were yelling and screaming. The young man commented “It sounds like a den of iniquity up there.”

Replied the father, “Oh no, that’s just the kids dividing up a pizza. It’s more like a din of inequity.”

What does a shark use for a barbeque?

Sharkoal.

A famous football player for the Minnesota Vikings had died, and because he believed he was descended from a real Viking, he wanted to be cremated on an open pyre.

At the ceremony, a fan of the player managed to get through security and began to make a pest of himself by asking questions of the other football players in attendance. The security people began to chase the gate-crasher and, unfortunately, he stumbled into the fire and perished along with the body being cremated.

It was a case of going from the prying fan into the pyre.

How do law students date?

They court each other.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench… After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ Hell-looo! It’s only 25 cents!”

If five dogs are chasing a cat down the street, what time is it?

Five after one.

Randy had seen one too many movies. A bow and arrow was a cool weapon. He decided to try to make some arrows.

He found some oak dowels; a local fabric store provided decorative feathers; and, for his first effort, a push-pin provided a weighted tip.

His friend Tommy had a bow-and-arrow set, so he went to Tommy’s to try out his creation. Unfortunately, when he set it against the bowstring, it popped off. Not once; not twice; all eight times.

Randy sat back and thought a few minutes. Then he took a knife and cut a little “V” in the back end of the arrow. “There,” he said, “now, it should work. Nock on wood.”

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop out the litter box.

What do you get when you cross a cactus and a porcupine?

Sore hands.

Why couldn't the writer cross the road?

He had authoritis.

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

“Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time.” (Kings speak in that phony kind of prose so you’ll have to excuse him) “We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope.”

“Fear not, my King” said Merlin. “I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!”

“Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you’ve lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character… It cannot be done” said Arthur.

“Trust me, my King” said Merlin. “I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant.”

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger — their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit.

What did one sheep say to the other sheep?

"After ewe."

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull “Why didn’t you fall down like the rest of the herd?”

The bull replied “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

What happened to the baseball player who was always late for dinner?

His wife threw him out at home.

Why do toadstools grow so close together?

They don’t need mushroom.

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the star and the producer.

It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all. You might even say she was … shared skit less.

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of “dye a rhea”.

A college freshman on a dare stole twenty-three bottles of beer one night.

But to his relief the District Attorney dropped the charges.

She said she could not make a case of it.

What did the light bulb say to the switch?

"You turn me on."

What would you get if you crossed Prince Charles with Moby Dick?

The Prince of Whales.

I was working in the yard one day when my dog ran up. In his mouth was the carcass of some creature, I couldn’t tell what. Whatever it was, it stunk to high heaven!

Apparently this did not phase the dog, he commenced to “dig in” and enjoy this foul feast.

Just about then, my neighbor dropped by and saw what the dog was doing. “You better stop him!” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“You don’t know what that is, it might kill him!” he exclaimed.

I considered this for a moment, and decided he might be right. So I went over to take “it” away from the dog.

The dog was having none of this. First he growled to keep me away. Then he simply grabbed the mess and ran, just far enough, and started “dining” again. After a few attempts like this, I gave up.

So anyway, after a bit, he had eaten the entire thing and lay down to rest. My neighbor and I, not knowing what else to do, just watched him. All was well for about 10 minutes, when suddenly he started letting out the rankest farts I’ve ever smelled! Both my neighbor and I had to go to the other side of the yard to escape!

Anyway, after a few minutes, the dog, farting almost continuously now, began running around in circles! We didn’t know quite what to make of this, and so just kept watching. About ten to fifteen minutes later, the dog stopped and simply fell over on the ground!

“Is he dead?” asked my neighbor.

I went over to him, and saw he was still breathing and did not seem to be in any distress.

I turned to my neighbor and said, “No, I think he just ran out of gas.”

One Sunday, a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said:

“I’ll take him, and him, and him."

A man walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

The doctor puts his ear to the man's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the man's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the man's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."

Fred was a hard-working artisan who had tried producing many different styles of cheese. Most of these ended in failure. He started with brie, but the result was too breezy.. His Swiss was unholy and his cheddar was very dull. Even his processed American Cheese Product was altogether too real.

At last it came to him that his problem was a matter of proper timing. His most successful effort worked when the cheese became finished on the last day of October. Thus, fortuitously, he created the perfect Halloween muenster.

What does Dracula get when he doesn’t brush his teeth?

Bat breath.

A very strange thing happened here in suburbia a few days ago…

This past weekend, I noticed a neighbor of mine repairing his sidewalk. He had removed a number of broken sections (thanks to numerous trees in his yard). He had rented a cement mixer (portable – not a truck). He was laying new forms for the cement. He was almost ready to pour the cement which would form a new, flat sidewalk that would no longer be a safety hazard to folks walking to his front door.

This particular neighbor is in his 60s. He and his wife never had children of their own, but both have always been exceptionally nice to the neighborhood children.

On Halloween, they host a “haunted house”. At Christmas, they always have gifts for all the children who live nearby. At Easter time, they host an Easter egg hunt in their yard. One would have to look far and wide to find a couple of people who care more for children than they do.

It is because of this that I was so shocked this past weekend…

Seeing as how this gentleman has helped me do so many chores around my house in the past few years, I offered my assistance to him in his task.

We finished preparing the site for his new sidewalk. Then we mixed the cement. Then, we began pouring the new cement walkway leading to his front door. After laboring for a number of hours, we finished. To those of you who have never poured cement, it is back-breaking work. A portion of cement the size of a medium bag of dog food weight more than 100 pounds!

We were both exhausted. We each had a cold lemonade and sat down to admire our work. Just then, two neighbor children came riding down the street on their bicycles. Seeing the fresh cement walkway, they cut across his lawn, and rode the bikes right across the fresh (still wet) cement, leaving bike tire tracks across the fruit of our labors…

My neighbor, totally out of character, immediately started screaming obscenities at the children. I had never heard him use such language! Especially directed at kids! His tirade lasted a few minutes. He was angrier than I had ever seen him!

When he finally cooled down, I asked him, “Ah, John. I am surprised. I thought that you loved all the children around here.”

He looked over at me and responded, “In the abstract, yes. But, not in the concrete!”

How do ghosts begin letters?

”Tomb it may concern”

So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe.

Having not had a meal since he’d left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn’t take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of blood out of him.

Now Dracula was faced with a problem. “How do I dispose of this body?” he wondered. The only solution he could come with was to throw the corpse out the window. “I’m so high up, they’ll never trace the body back to me. Ha ha,” he cackled. So – whoosh – out the window went the corpse.

It just so happened that right below that window was the customary station of an itinerant street singer. Bang! The singer got hit right on his noggin by the falling body and was knocked unconscious.

Back in his hotel room Dracula was in the mood for “dessert,” so he rang room service and asked the front desk to send up another town constable.

Ten minutes later the policeman arrived and Dracula invited him in. As soon as the door shut, Dracula pounced and devoured his fresh and steaming “dessert.”

Again the count wondered “How do I get rid of the body?” and then thought, “Well, it worked once. Why not again?” So out the window went his latest victim.

At that moment the street singer below had just regained consciousness and was wondering what the heck was going on. His consciousness didn’t last long, however, as he was instantly knocked out cold by Count Dracula’s second victim.

Some time later the singer woke up and saw that a small crowd had gathered around. As he regained his bearings, one of the onlookers asked, “What’s happened here?”

“It’s terrible,” sang the street singer. “Drained cops keep falling on my head!”

What’s frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?

A terror wrist.

After a long and productive lifetime of hunching over her bubbling cauldron muttering incantations and concocting various enchanted brews, the wretched crone finally came to the realization that she was no longer in her prime. In addition to the pronounced dowager’s hump she’d developed, her arthritic feet were an almost constant source of pain and torment for her. She could barely stuff her wrinkled toes into those pointed boots any longer.

One evening as she emptied her tote sack onto her enormous chopping block and began the tedious task of mincing up a fresh batch of bat tongues and newt eyes, an idea suddenly dawned upon her. If she had a smaller, more portable cutting board, she might just as easily process these ingredients in her lap as she was comfortably seated beside her boiling cauldron. “Ah, yes,” She muttered to herself. “It would be nice to be able to sit for a spell.”

Count Dracula is on the prowl in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting womens' necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What’s going on here?

A few yards further on and … BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and …. crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He’s getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who are you?

She replies, “Buffet, the vampire slayer.”

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?

A dead ringer.

What do Italians eat on Halloween?

Fettucini Afraid-o.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

Mas-scare-a.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the Boos.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

There was once a chimpanzee who was injured and taken to a rehabilitation hospital. While at the hospital he learned to eat with a fork that he called his three point tool.

He was released back to the wild and continued to eat with his three point tool, when one day it was missing. He asked all of the animals where it could be and they said to ask the jaguar.

So, the chimp asked the jaguar and the jaguar said, "Of course, I've seen it -- I ate it!!"

The shocked chimpanzee asked why.

"Why?", said the cat, "it's because I'm a three point tool eater Jaguar."

Who was Wyatt Burp?

A sheriff with a repeater.

Where do elementary school teachers like to go sailing?

Out on the A B seas.

Why did the playground cross the road?

To get to the other slide.

The zoo keeper in charge of the sea mammals was trying to train an otter to walk backwards. He was not having any success. He asked a coworker to see if she could do any better.

Lo and behold, the otter was walking backwards.

He asked her, "How did you do that?"

"Simple," she said, "You put one foot in front of the otter."

What do you call the science of soda pop?

Fizz-ics.

How did Lucy get lucky?

She found a K...

Why was the girl named Sugar?

Because she was so refined.

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

What keeps jazz musicians on earth?

Groovity.

What international cricket team plays only half dressed?

The Vest Indies.

How do ducks decorate?

They wallpaper over the quacks.

The Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.

Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.

The message read, "You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"

Where do bears go on vacation?

Bear-muda.

Why did the cowboy buy the dachshund?

He wanted to get "along little dogie."

What do cannibals eat when they go out for breakfast?

Buttered host.

Back during the days of expansion to the west, people traveled by stagecoach. This was not a particularly comfortable way to go, with the bumpy paths and crowded seats. However, there wasn’t much choice.

Being in business to make money, the operators of these stagecoaches tried to think of various ways to increase revenue on each trip. People were willing to pay not only to ride out west, but they were willing to pay to ship things to friends and relatives who had already relocated. Of course, passengers were the most lucrative. So it follows that the more people you could transport on each trip, the more money the company made.

With that in mind, these companies began restricting passengers to being under a certain weight, in order to fit three people in a seat instead of only two. Not only was this extremely uncomfortable for the travelers, but it became obvious to those wishing to relocate that there would be no west for the reary.

What did one worm say to the other when he was late getting home?

"Where in earth have you been?"

Where does a broom go when it's tired?

It goes to sweep.

What kind of dancing do owls like?

The whoo-la.

A man who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping the time with the rest of the band.

Finally the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. It’s up to you: Sync or swim!”

What do you call a dog with a cold?

Achoo-huahua.

When the Liberty Bell was forged, the Philadelphia city council decided to celebrate the inauguration by having a pie baking competition.

There would be two categories. The best bell-shaped pie and the best overall pie. Competition was furious but all ended well as one of the winners was a popular senior nun from their local community who baked and was known for her superb vegetable dishes. It had to be.

Everybody knows that Mother Teresa Wins No Bell Peas Pies.

Why did Little Johnny's mom test the bath water before putting him in it?

To prevent son burn.

What prayers do cows say at bedtime?

"Do unto udders."

Bowser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.

Bowser’s owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Bowser’s masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters’ faces, Bowser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown’s leg.

Bowser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man’s foul essence from his mouth. For Bowser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

Who uses voodoo to scare mosquitoes away?

The itch doctor.

What did the mother rope say to her child?

“Don’t be knotty.”

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex! Supersex!” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

How does Luke Skywalker travel?

Sometimes he runs, sometimes Ewoks.

What did the grandfather monster say to his grandson when they hadn't seen each other for a while?

"You gruesome!"