Furniture

I told my wife I would go a whole day without making furniture puns. Sofa, so good. #lamejoke 

Museum

We walked by the Museum of Civil War Medicine yesterday. I told my wife, "I bet some people would give their right arm to get in there."​ #lamejoke 

Cow

On my way to work this morning, I yelled COW! at a woman riding a bicycle. She gave me the middle finger. told me to f*ck off, and...then plowed into the cow. #lamejoke

Pennies

I listened to a guy for an hour talk about how his watch can magically produce pennies out of nothing. I had a really hard time believing him at first, but, by the end of his rant, it made sense. #lamejoke 

Wife

Joey’s ex-wife still misses him. But her aim is improving. #lamejoke

Eggs

In the annual competition between poached and scrambled eggs to see which is better, poached are still unbeaten. #lamejoke

Mattresses

If a King sleeps on a king mattress, and a Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, what does a Prince sleep on? An heir mattress. #lamejoke

Housekeeping

Imagine my confusion when I saw a job posting for light housekeeping. There aren’t even any large bodies of water for hundreds of miles. #lamejoke

Carts

This economy is sad. I just saw an elderly man collecting carts outside the local supermarket. He must have been pushing 80. #lamejoke 

Bee

Why the British bee was thrown out of the house? He didn’t beehive. #lamejoke 

Horn

The car horn specialist at the dealership told me a very important and valuable lesson. He said, “Beep repaired.” #lamejoke 

Dude

I was chatting to a guy recently and called him dude. He wasn’t happy. He said, “Look, either call me pal or buddy - never dude.” That was my first experience with preferred bronouns. #lamejoke

Coffee

Joey got kicked out of his coffee club because he wore a t-shirt. #lamejoke

Showering

Before I gave up on showering, I really didn’t care for mushrooms, but they’re starting to grow on me. #lamejoke

Shame

Remember, puns on St Patrick's day don't just shame you, they Seamus all. #lamejoke

Raining

Anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis, maybe? #lamejoke

Vet

I called the vet to set an appointment for my cat. The receptionist said they had Dr. Taylor and Dr. Smith available this afternoon. I told her to book it. The receptionist asked which doctor? No thanks, a regular one would be fine. #lamejoke 

Doctor

You may be wondering what kind of doctor Dr. Pepper was? A fizzician maybe? #lamejoke 

Care

Dr. Ronald Peak and Dr. Ismael Abu donated money to a new intensive care unit. They're calling it the Peak, Abu ICU. #lamejoke

Telegraph

What the telegraph operator felt when he had to send a message a second time? Remorse. #lamejoke 

Pickup

A pickup line that works every time? Does this rag smell like chloroform? #lamejoke

Joke

What sets a mom joke apart from a dad joke? It’s all in the delivery. #lamejoke

Cornbread

How long it takes to make cornbread? Not long at all. It’s done in a jiffy. #lamejoke 

Vehicle

The vehicle Mickey Mouse’s wife drives? A minivan. #lamejoke

Sausage

Don’t eat any of that yellowish sausage. It’s meaty ochre. #lamejoke 

Eggs

Last night, someone broke into Joey’s house and took a dozen eggs. They also left a saucepan behind filled with warm water. Police think they were poachers. #lamejoke

Soldier

Joey went drinking with his buddy and they got into an argument about what to call a medieval soldier. It started getting late so they called it a night. #lamejoke 

Sale

The big sale at the clothing store got rough. People socked it out and there were casual tees everywhere. #lamejoke 

Puzzle

I was working on a fish crossword puzzle but I couldn't finish it. Turns out I was missing two pisces. #lamejoke

Garlic

What garlic does when it gets hot? It takes some of its cloves off. #lamejoke

Underwear

Joey told me that he saw his wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing – it’s laundry day. #lamejoke