Joke

How do you make a step-dad joke? Same as a dad joke, you just take it a stepfather. #lamejoke 

Bread

I've lost some weight by wearing bread on my head. It’s that new loaf hat diet. #lamejoke

Brothers

Two brothers thought they could fly. They were right. #lamejoke

Traveling

One day a traveler was walking through the forest. This was not an unusual occurrence, the traveler walked wooded areas quite frequently, and had visited this specific forest a few times before. This forest wasn’t the traveler’s goal of course, it merely lay between him and the small, out of the way, completely ordinary village he called home. It had been many months since he had last returned to it and he missed his friends and family dearly.

While the traveler was alone, he was not at all unprepared for a walk through the woods. On his feet he wore a sturdy pair of short leather hiking boots. These simple, rugged, and not particularly fashionable boots had served him well over the last seven months and the traveler had made sure to maintain them to the best of his ability. On his belt hung a large hunting knife. This knife wasn’t actually for hunting or really killing at all; no, the traveler mainly used it for starting fires, cutting branches, and, when he had the time, for wood carvings of various animals which he would give as gifts to the children of his hometown upon his return. The last truly notable object he had was a small stone charm, a thin stone disc with a hole bored through the center, a short length of twine passing through the center not quite long enough to be worn as a necklace. The traveler had worn it on his right wrist ever since It was given to him by a local witch in town he had visited a long time ago who told him it would repel evil spirits.

The traveler walked a well worn path that he was fairly confident would lead him back home, it was only roughly a day's walk at a comfortable pace; a not at all unusual hike for the traveler.

Every so often he would grab his canteen and take a small sip or two to refresh himself, or open the bag of nuts hanging from his belt he had bought a few days back and eat a few, but otherwise he only had the path to occupy him.

A few hours into the hike, he spotted a small white bird sitting on a low hanging branch in front of him. The bird was small and fairly round, and while mostly white it has several brown dots across its body. The traveler thought that this bird looked quite unlike any of the birds that lived in or around this forest and came to the conclusion that it must have traveled very far to have gotten here. After taking a few minutes to rest and admire the unusual creature, the traveler got up and started walking again.

Around noon the traveler came to a large creek, several meters wide but only around a foot deep. he quickly took off his boots and pulled his pants up to his knees to avoid soaking either before he began to walk through the creek, he walked slowly and carefully to avoid slipping. Around the halfway point he stepped on a somewhat pointy rock startling him and causing him to slip and fall, while he managed to catch himself and avoid falling completely into the creek, he dropped the boots directly into the water, completely soaking them. he sighed, grabbed the boots, and walked the rest of the way out of the water.

The traveler checked his foot and was glad he hadn’t seriously stabbed himself on the rock. The situation with the boots was unfortunate, but he were no stranger to walking barefoot. he would just watch his steps more carefully from now on.

He continued walking for around a half an hour before he noticed a small yellow flower on the side of the path. he recognized the small yellow flower and the heart shaped leaves of the plant and knew it was a rare medicinal herb whose leaves had many healing properties. he picked the flower and planned to give it to his town's local herbalist, a long time friend of his.

A few hours later, it was late afternoon and the traveler came upon a young fox caught in a snare. he drew his knife and planned to cut the fox free. He was a very spiritual person and followed a local sect of his religion that forbade the eating of meat and encouraged pacifism among its members. he quickly freed the fox, which ran away in a panic. The traveler then decided to rest for a few and eat a handful of nuts.

Just as he was about to start moving again he heard footsteps from back the way he had come and noticed a hunter carrying a shortbow. The hunter saw the traveler and the sliced up snare and immediately began to yell at the traveler. he used curse words of all sorts, both local and foreign, and made it clear that the traveler was to leave his hunting grounds immediately. The traveler was beginning to stand up when the hunter nocked an arrow and began aiming in the traveler’s direction. He quickly got the rest of the way up, grabbed his boots, and ran down the path away from the hunter.

A few minutes later he checked to make sure the hunter wasn’t following him and slowed down to check for his belongings. he had his boots, flask, nuts, but then he realized, in the panic, he had left his knife on the ground by the snare. He sighed, the hunter was probably walking off with his knife right now, and he had no intention of trying to get it back. There was nothing to be done about it, when he got back to his village he would sleep through the night, then try to purchase a replacement.

He continued down the path which took him through a large clearing, with the trees out of the way he took this chance to admire the clouds. The clouds had begun to gather and darken, and the traveler hoped this didn’t mean it was going to start raining soon. As he had this thought, he passed out of the clearing and continued his journey.

Luckily it did not rain, and he traveled uneventfully for another hour or so. That was when he saw a small humanoid figure jump out of the trees. What looked like a woman, only with skin made of wood, and hair of moss. The traveler stopped in his place and the figure spoke.

“I am the fey that now rules these woods. I have traveled far from another forest that was razed by the evil duke that ruled a castle nearby. From now on any who wish to pass through this forest must pay tribute or be forever cursed with misfortune.”

The traveler thought about what he had on him that could interest a fey. He knew forest spirits had little interest in anything metal, so his flask wouldn’t work, and fey always went without clothes so he couldn’t offer anything he wore. he then sighed once again and begrudgingly pulled the stone charm off of his wrist and offered it to the fairy. She quickly grabbed the charm and seemed fascinated by the disc, she quickly thanked the traveler for his generous offering and promised never to bother him if he passed through these woods in the future, before jumping off to the side of the path and quickly vanishing into the brush. The barefoot traveler continued on his journey still carrying his damp boots, at this point quite fed up with this forest.

As he continued on he looked up into the sky and thought he saw the same small white bird from that morning flying above his head. This invigorated the traveler and he began to speed up, briskly walking the final stretch.

By now it was evening and the sun had begun to set. The traveler had been walking all day and was ready to reach the village, eat a warm meal, meet with his friends in town, dry his boots, and hopefully find a new knife.

Soon he could see fires in the distance he were fairly sure were coming from his destination and he felt relieved.

He continued walking for a few more minutes before suddenly an arrow flew and hit him in the back. The hunter from earlier ran out from the brush and began to panic and asked the traveler if he were okay. This shot was seemingly a hunting accident, and the hunter must have mistook him for game of some kind in the dark.

The traveler said that he wasn't hurting too badly but that he had no experience with archery and didn't know how to judge the severity of an archery wound. The hunter apologized and offered to walk him to town and take him to the herbalist who was fairly experienced with these kinds of wounds.

As he traveled back, they began to chat about each other's lives. The traveler apologized for freeing the fox and the hunter asked him why he hadn't ever tried archery.

"Oh," said the traveler, "I thought about it, but there were too many drawbacks." #lamejoke

Iron Man

The difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man? Iron Man stops the bad guys, Aluminum Man just foils their plans. #lamejoke