Shoe

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe but she wasn’t the sole owner, there were strings attached. #lamejoke 

Headache

Joey says that every time he gets a headache, he takes two Ibuprofen and keeps away from his children. Just like the bottle says. #lamejoke

Brussels

I’m not angry that a witch turned me into a Brussels sprout. But I am a little bitter. #lamejoke

Cat

I told the cat I was going to teach him English. He looked at me and said "Me? How?" #lamejoke

Family

In the show "The Addams Family", many people assumed "Thing" was a family member. He was just a hired hand. #lamejoke 

Belt

Orion's Belt is a big waist of space. Terrible joke – only three stars. #lamejoke 

Millionaire

The deceased millionaire rewarded Santa by putting a clause in his will. #lamejoke

Present

E is the only letter in the alphabet that gets a Christmas present. Why? Because the rest were not-E. #lamejoke 

Rumors

Rumors are circulating that Santa has tragically passed away. I didn’t believe it at first, but there’s a large body of evidence. #lamejoke

Cancun

Apparently, Cancun is becoming a popular destination for tourists to meditate in the sun. Prolly why they call it the yoga tan peninsula. #lamejoke

Clowning

Just completed a two year clowning course. No small feat. #lamejoke

Grass

My grass seems to grow in these small bunches and there’s nothing I can do about it. I guess it’s just tuft luck. #lamejoke

Bread

Two slices of bread were getting married. It was all going well until somebody decided to toast the bride and groom. #lamejoke 

Streets

Walking home late last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, a hot fudge sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.” #lamejoke 

Pizza

Good King Wenceslas’s favorite type of pizza? Deep pan, crisp, and even. #lamejoke

Gingerbread

I knew a guy that would eat every part of a gingerbread man except the shoes. He was afraid they were laced with something. #lamejoke

Butter

I think that fake butter tastes better than real butter. But only margarinally. #lamejoke

Wolf

Joey taught his pet wolf how to meditate. Now he’s aware wolf. #lamejoke

Santa

Found out the real reason Santa only had dimes and quarters. He was Nicholas. #lamejoke

Smoking

Joey’s doctor recommended he start smoking. I think he’s leading him ashtray. #lamejoke 

Lawn

After years of research I finally figured out the secret to a healthy lawn is sprinkling protein powder on the wet morning grass. This idea was whey over dew. #lamejoke 

Job

If you need a job, try Search and Rescue. They’re always looking for people. #lamejoke 

Arrested

The kid tripped, bashed his leg between the top of his shin and the bottom of his thigh, and got arrested. Sounds like a minor fell on knee to me. #lamejoke

Elvis

I’ve been waiting a long time to tell an Elvis joke. But it’s now or never. #lamejoke 

Teeth

Don’t throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture car. #lamejoke 

Sad

They say that if you feel sad, pet a duckling. I did, and still felt down. #lamejoke

Pyramids

If you look at pyramids, they're basically square. But only up to a point. #lamejoke

Loki

Loki impersonated his brother for an extended period of time, but the strain was too much for his muscles. He was Thor for days. #lamejoke 

Cowboys

Cowboys in the old West would hang a lantern from their saddle to see the trail in the dark. It was an early form of saddle light navigation. #lamejoke 

Language

No one believed my friend could discover Napoleon's native language. But I said, of course he can! #lamejoke

Agency

Breaking News! An armed man just ran into a real estate agency and shouted, “Nobody move!” #lamejoke 

Kebob

Joey’s grandfather spent his whole life in the kebab business, but instead of following in his footsteps, Joey buried him with all his equipment. Now he's probably turning in his grave. #lamejoke

Worshippers

Then there was the one about the dyslexic group of devil worshippers that sold their souls to Santa. #lamejoke

Turket

I stuck my hand into a turkey and felt offal. #lamejoke 

Rungs

Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because Americans are getting taller. Manufacturers claim it’s due to climb it change. #lamejoke 

Rope

You remember what happened when they cut the rope to the steeple? Doesn’t ring any bells? #lamejoke

Pasta

Joey’s girlfriend left him because he went to bed with some pasta. He said that he’s been feeling cannelloni. #lamejoke

Tree

Last year, my neighbor chopped a branch off his tree. This year, it seems to be growing back. I guess his tree repeats itself. #lamejoke

Parrot

I went into a pet store to buy my parrot a new stand. They wanted $500 for it. I told them that that was ridiculous. Nevertheless, they said that that’s the perch’s price. #lamejoke

Birthday

Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We’ll have that vacuum working again in no time. #lamejoke

Furniture

I recently started telling furniture jokes. But I haven’t made anyone laugh sofa. #lamejoke 

Unicorn

My granddaughter asked for a unicorn for her birthday. I gave her a wry no. #lamejoke 

Cosmetics

Joey added chocolate syrup to his wife's cosmetics. Figured it'd go great with her eyes cream. #lamejoke 

Pods

It was never difficult to discourage ladies from following the trend of eating Tide pods. It was much harder, however, to deter gents. #lamejoke

Yacht

I saw a yacht the other day. I couldn’t see the mast aft of the main. It was mizzen. #lamejoke 

Presentation

Joey’s kids put together a power point presentation on why They should all go to the water park. It has several slides. #lamejoke 

Avocado

If you hit a mole with an avocado, it’s guac a mole. #lamejoke

Bear

A bear walked into the woods and came out bare. Must have had a vowel movement. #lamejoke 

Rash

How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash? With Quit-itch. #lamejoke

Joke

The joke I regret the most is the one about a boomerang and a ghost. It still comes back to haunt me. #lamejoke 

Band

I joined a band called Paper. Mostly we cover rock. #lamejoke

Flowers

Joey told me he was getting his wife purple thorny flowers for her birthday. He said, "Thistle make her happy!" #lamejoke

Pickles

Pickles on a hot dog? I relish the thought. #lamejoke 

Halloween

Halloween brings back a lot of scary trick-or-treat memories from my childhood. Like the time when I was eight and I almost choked to death on a Tootsie pop. Luckily my Grandpa was there and had enough good sense to tell me to stop lolly-gagging. #lamejoke

Joule

Someone said that the joule is the unit of energy in the International System of Units. I was like, watt?!? #lamejoke 

Elf

I heard a knock on my door. It turned out to be a small elf demanding that I take his photo right there on the spot. It was a little imp posing. #lamejoke

Film

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story. #lamejoke

Watch

I bought a second hand luxury watch. The minute and hour hands were not included. #lamejoke

Halloween

Need a date for Halloween? October 31. #lamejoke 

Doctor

A woman wanted to break up with her doctor boyfriend. He was having none of it. She started eating apples. #lamejoke

Mallard

This mallard waddled into a bar. He should've ducked. #lamejoke 

Beatles

It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in their song green. That would’ve been sublime. #lamejoke 

Termite

Meet Clint, my pet termite. It eats wood. #lamejoke

Tattoo

My friend, Joey, decided to get a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character. You should've seen the Luke on his face. #lamejoke

Posture

I’m beginning to think that I have terrible posture. Call it a hunch. #lamejoke 

Vegetarians

I have no beef with vegetarians. #lamejoke

Insults

When the front end of a car insults your wife, defend her. #lamejoke

Mustard

I tried opening a jar of mustard when the cap suddenly came off and it went everywhere. Now there's Poupon everything! #lamejoke

Actor

Then there was the one about the actor that broke his leg onstage. He’s still in the cast. #lamejoke

Bayonet

Then there was the one about the guy who was rushed to hospital with a bayonet stuck in his chest. He was pronounced dead on a rifle. #lamejoke

Evidence

The Simpson boy was shot to death in a Springfield tavern. All evidence pointed toward Moe, the bartender. #lamejoke

Twisting

They recently arrested the world tongue twisting champion. I imagine they'll give him a long sentence. #lamejoke

Pirates

Pirates never have to bathe before walking the plank. They just wash up on shore. #lamejoke

Nepal

Would a dog man go to Nepal? I don’t know for sure, but would a cat man do it? #lamejoke 

Poem

A poem by a dog? Oh, you must be talking about a barcode. #lamejoke

Theater

I helped my community theater put on a play about a bakery. I wouldn't say I was the star, but I did play a role. #lamejoke

Sand

Beach sand is wet because the sea weed. #lamejoke

Summer

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer. But that's okay. Something tells me he'll have a great fall. #lamejoke

Solar

Solar power is the future. But it won’t happen overnight. #lamejoke

Counting

My wife told me to stop counting, but I didn’t one two. #lamejoke

TV

It's a shame nothing is made in the USA any more. I bought a new TV last week. It said built in antenna. (I don't even know where that is.) #lamejoke

Money

The app you can use to send the princess money? Zelle, duh! #lamejoke

Released

A violent Timex was just released from prison. So watch out! #lamejoke

Locked

If you ever get locked out of your house, don't panic. Talk to your lock calmly. Communication is the key. #lamejoke

Sweater

Joey tried to claim his sweater from Lost and Found, but they wanted proof that it was his. He had to take a pattern knitty test. #lamejoke

Toes

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot. #lamejoke

Jingles

At first, John Lennon refused to perform jingles for fast food ads, but then he decided to give pizza chants. #lamejoke

Stradivarius

My Stradivarius brand bike did not come with stopping devices. I had to install some to brake the cycle of violins. #lamejoke

Collection

I'm having a difficult time selling my puppet collection. Someone want to take them off my hands? #lamejoke

Prostitution

The government sees an increase in prostitution on the ho, risin’. #lamejoke

Yawn

Is it true women like men who yawn? No. Actually, sighs don't matter. #lamejoke

Stuff

I just sold all my John Lennon stuff on eBay. Imagine all the Paypal.... #lamejoke

Video

The Beach Boys are making a music video

Their producer suggests they should have a celebrity cameo. They make some calls and come up with a list of potentials and they explain it to the producer.

"Okay, we've got some choices: the guy who entertained the troops, Mr. Hope; the TV painter, Mr. Ross; the former host of The Price is Right, Mr. Barker; the guy who played Smee in the movie Hook, Mr. Hoskins; the comedian, Mr. Saget; and the star of The Devil Wears Prada, Miss Hathaway."

The producer looks at them and says, "Well, who's it going to be? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, or Anne?" #lamejoke

Soap

When I was young, it was my dream to make the perfect bar of soap. Alas, it slipped away. #lamejoke

Sticks

Sticks float. They would. #lamejoke

Chance Meeting

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to talk to him, with the aim of asking him out.

So she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab a coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure, but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," says the woman. "A couple of things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can hardly believe it, and says "I saw them play Cleveland in 1999! It was the first concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other's houses, but we snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"

Naturally, the man and woman are both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback. "Get out of here! I was an English major in college! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain!"

They both can't believe it. This has to be a match made in heaven.

"Well buckle up," the woman says, "because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm that had some plum trees. Every year he'd dry some plums for our annual family Thanksgiving, because he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes. I love prunes, you're eating a prune, so this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date." #lamejoke

Soup

I made a soup using only ingredients from the atmosphere. It was a broth of fresh air. #lamejoke

Font

Popular fonts? Arial gets a good reception. #lamejoke

Globe

I recently bumped into the guy who sold me my antique globe years ago. It’s a small world, isn’t it? #lamejoke

Music

I've started writing music about sewing machines. Always wanted to be a singer/songwriter. #lamejoke

Kabobs

There was a study done on how often people make kabobs. But they had to start over because the results were skewed. #lamejoke

Chins

Met 20 people today but only 10 of them had chins. Sounds like a ten chin deficit, doesn’t it? #lamejoke

Good

If only there were a way to say really good in one word, that would be great! #lamejoke

Lost

Two men are lost in the desert, and are desperate for water.

Knowing they are just hours away from certain death, they see a group of three tents in the distance. They stagger towards the tents, realizing that this may be their last hope.

Entering the first tent, they see an Arab trader, and the first man gasps: "Water, water...!"

The trader replies, "I'm sorry my friend, I've only got mixed fruit here."

"What?! Mixed fruit?" says the thirsty man.

"Yeah, just mixed fruit, sorry," replies the trader. "Try next door."

The men enter the next tent, and again the first man gasps: "Water, water...!"

The trader inside replies, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've only got jelly."

"What? I don't believe this," says the man.

"Yeah, just loads of jelly. There might be water in the last tent, you could try there," suggests the trader.

Reaching the last tent they crawl in. "Water, water...!" gasps the first man.

The trader, immediately looks apologetic, and says, "I'm sorry, I've only got custard here."

The thirsty men are now distraught. "Forget you and your tents," says the first man. "That was totally useless!"

Together with his friend, he staggers back into the desert.

A little later, the first man turns to his friend and says, "Back there with the tents, that was a bit weird wasn't it?"

"Yes," says his companion, "it was a trifle bazaar." #lamejoke

Sprinter

Joey didn’t get the joke about the sprinter who was racing in the 100 yard dash and accidentally inhaled a bug. Apparently it’s a running gag. #lamejoke

Mom

I saw my mom upside down today. I was like “wow”. #lamejoke

Beetle

A dung beetle walks into a bar. "Is this stool taken?" #lamejoke

Apple

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away or is it one of Granny’s myths? #lamejoke 

Air

I invented a thought controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it. #lamejoke

Werewolf

The worst thing about werewolf YouTubers? They always ask you to lycan subscribe. #lamejoke

Table

Just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table. I know it’s authentic because there’s a piece of veneer missing. #lamejoke

Godfather

The Godfather was having a conversation with his wife about the state of his empire.

"Honey," he said. "The people just don't fear me like they used to. Tributes are down, protection money is down. The other gangs aren't giving us our respect. Heck, it's taken us two weeks to get the repairs started on our kitchen, and even NOW, the carpenter is making a ton of noise during our dinner. You've prepared such a nice meal."

"Vito", she said gingerly. "Of course the people don't fear you, you haven't given them a REASON to fear you in a long while. You've gone soft, dear."

Anger flashed through his eyes.

"Perhaps", he said, scratching his throat. "Maybe it's time to remind them of who I am."

At this he made a slashing motion with his finger.

One week later, the Godfather and his wife were at dinner, again talking about the state of his empire.

"Tributes are back up. Protection money is back up", he said gleefully. "You show the strength, you show the muscle, and the people remember just how much you control the city."

"I love that, honey!" she said. "Just like the man I married. And you even got the repairs to stop during dinner so we can have some peace and quiet."

Don Vito smiled proudly, slashing at his throat. "That's because I had to whack the carpenter," he said.

"He saw too much." #lamejoke

Acting

Two students at the University of Alabama had to share an acting part. They were role tied. #lamejoke

Waves

Our hero’s second adventure had him learning how to calm the ocean’s waves. It was a sea quell. #lamejoke

Printer

My friend was bragging that his 3D printer could print a gun, but I wasn’t impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years. #lamejoke

Exam

I flunked out of clown college for failing the face painting exam. You know, they could’ve given me a make-up test…. #lamejoke 

Chicken

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a vegan household.

Her parents were vegan activists who despised anyone who ate meat of any kind.

Each night at dinner they would tell their daughter about how bad meat tasted and how cruel the agriculture industry was when treating animals.

As the years go by, she starts getting sick of eating the same old vegan products and wanted to experiment a bit but never had the guts to do anything.

Her friends one day invite her to go out for a day at the local shopping center.

They go around store to store window shopping, having a great time.

It’s coming around to lunch time and everyone is starving.

Her first friend goes up and orders a wings combo box from KFC.

Her second friend orders chicken McNuggets from McDonalds..

Her third friend gets chicken fingers from Raising Canes.

She not wanting to really disappoint her parents went and got a vegan salad for lunch.

As they were eating all her friends were telling her how much they loved to eat chicken sharing their various chicken meals with each other.

They kept on trying to get her to try some.

She eventually fell into the peer pressure and tried one nugget.

The burst of flavor from the chicken rushes through her mouth.

"Why was it only now she was discovering this realm of flavor," she thought to herself.

It was love at first bite.

She wanted more.

She then tries a bite of her friends chicken fingers.

It also blew her taste buds away.

This whole new avenue of flavors hitting her palate.

She was then handed one of the wings from her friend’s combo box to try.

Even more flavors she had never tried before was hitting her tongue.

It was her night to cook dinner this week, so she decided she needed to get her parents to experience these flavors not caring that it's not vegan.

Maybe having a bit of meat to chew on might make them a bit less grumpy.

She asks all her friends what the best way is to cook some chicken for dinner.

Her friends were delighted that she also loved chicken as they all did.

They took her to the library next to the shopping center and got some recipe books.

They showed her all these recipes.

Chicken parmigiana, chicken Kiev, chicken burgers, chicken kebabs, buffalo wings, nuggets, chicken Caesar salads, satay chicken, and roast chicken.

She ended up choosing to make a Caesar salad since she has most of the ingredients back at home and could also sneak in some chicken without her parents not realizing it's not a vegan meal

She just had to find the dressing and some chicken.

So, she goes back to the shops with her friends to get what she needed to cook dinner.

They first all go to Safeway.

They get the Caesar dressing first.

Next the go to the cold meats section.

They walk up and down the aisle but there’s no chicken left.

“Alright no drama, I’m sure there would be some in Walmart,” one of her friends says.

So, they buy the dressing and head to Walmart.

They walk to the cold meats section and walk up and down the aisle but there is also no chicken left there.

“It’s fine, there should be some left at the butcher,” another friend says.

So, they go to the butcher.

They ask the butcher there if he has any chicken in stock.

“Sorry girls, we are out of chicken for the day,” the butcher responds.

“Ok I’m sure Aldi would have some chicken left, right?” the last friend says.

They all head to Aldi.

As they enter, they see the cold meats section.

There is so much chicken.

There's chicken breast, chicken thigh, chicken wings, chicken drumsticks, whole chickens, half chickens, roast chickens, minced chicken, sliced chicken, and chicken sausages.

Surprised the girl says out loud

“Look at Aldi’s chickens!”

Stir Fry

Woke up this morning with stir fry on my pillow. I think I was sleepwoking again. #lamejoke

Rainbow

How much does a rainbow weigh? I’m not sure, but I think they’re pretty light. #lamejoke

Joke

How do you make a step-dad joke? Same as a dad joke, you just take it a stepfather. #lamejoke 

Bread

I've lost some weight by wearing bread on my head. It’s that new loaf hat diet. #lamejoke

Brothers

Two brothers thought they could fly. They were right. #lamejoke

Traveling

One day a traveler was walking through the forest. This was not an unusual occurrence, the traveler walked wooded areas quite frequently, and had visited this specific forest a few times before. This forest wasn’t the traveler’s goal of course, it merely lay between him and the small, out of the way, completely ordinary village he called home. It had been many months since he had last returned to it and he missed his friends and family dearly.

While the traveler was alone, he was not at all unprepared for a walk through the woods. On his feet he wore a sturdy pair of short leather hiking boots. These simple, rugged, and not particularly fashionable boots had served him well over the last seven months and the traveler had made sure to maintain them to the best of his ability. On his belt hung a large hunting knife. This knife wasn’t actually for hunting or really killing at all; no, the traveler mainly used it for starting fires, cutting branches, and, when he had the time, for wood carvings of various animals which he would give as gifts to the children of his hometown upon his return. The last truly notable object he had was a small stone charm, a thin stone disc with a hole bored through the center, a short length of twine passing through the center not quite long enough to be worn as a necklace. The traveler had worn it on his right wrist ever since It was given to him by a local witch in town he had visited a long time ago who told him it would repel evil spirits.

The traveler walked a well worn path that he was fairly confident would lead him back home, it was only roughly a day's walk at a comfortable pace; a not at all unusual hike for the traveler.

Every so often he would grab his canteen and take a small sip or two to refresh himself, or open the bag of nuts hanging from his belt he had bought a few days back and eat a few, but otherwise he only had the path to occupy him.

A few hours into the hike, he spotted a small white bird sitting on a low hanging branch in front of him. The bird was small and fairly round, and while mostly white it has several brown dots across its body. The traveler thought that this bird looked quite unlike any of the birds that lived in or around this forest and came to the conclusion that it must have traveled very far to have gotten here. After taking a few minutes to rest and admire the unusual creature, the traveler got up and started walking again.

Around noon the traveler came to a large creek, several meters wide but only around a foot deep. he quickly took off his boots and pulled his pants up to his knees to avoid soaking either before he began to walk through the creek, he walked slowly and carefully to avoid slipping. Around the halfway point he stepped on a somewhat pointy rock startling him and causing him to slip and fall, while he managed to catch himself and avoid falling completely into the creek, he dropped the boots directly into the water, completely soaking them. he sighed, grabbed the boots, and walked the rest of the way out of the water.

The traveler checked his foot and was glad he hadn’t seriously stabbed himself on the rock. The situation with the boots was unfortunate, but he were no stranger to walking barefoot. he would just watch his steps more carefully from now on.

He continued walking for around a half an hour before he noticed a small yellow flower on the side of the path. he recognized the small yellow flower and the heart shaped leaves of the plant and knew it was a rare medicinal herb whose leaves had many healing properties. he picked the flower and planned to give it to his town's local herbalist, a long time friend of his.

A few hours later, it was late afternoon and the traveler came upon a young fox caught in a snare. he drew his knife and planned to cut the fox free. He was a very spiritual person and followed a local sect of his religion that forbade the eating of meat and encouraged pacifism among its members. he quickly freed the fox, which ran away in a panic. The traveler then decided to rest for a few and eat a handful of nuts.

Just as he was about to start moving again he heard footsteps from back the way he had come and noticed a hunter carrying a shortbow. The hunter saw the traveler and the sliced up snare and immediately began to yell at the traveler. he used curse words of all sorts, both local and foreign, and made it clear that the traveler was to leave his hunting grounds immediately. The traveler was beginning to stand up when the hunter nocked an arrow and began aiming in the traveler’s direction. He quickly got the rest of the way up, grabbed his boots, and ran down the path away from the hunter.

A few minutes later he checked to make sure the hunter wasn’t following him and slowed down to check for his belongings. he had his boots, flask, nuts, but then he realized, in the panic, he had left his knife on the ground by the snare. He sighed, the hunter was probably walking off with his knife right now, and he had no intention of trying to get it back. There was nothing to be done about it, when he got back to his village he would sleep through the night, then try to purchase a replacement.

He continued down the path which took him through a large clearing, with the trees out of the way he took this chance to admire the clouds. The clouds had begun to gather and darken, and the traveler hoped this didn’t mean it was going to start raining soon. As he had this thought, he passed out of the clearing and continued his journey.

Luckily it did not rain, and he traveled uneventfully for another hour or so. That was when he saw a small humanoid figure jump out of the trees. What looked like a woman, only with skin made of wood, and hair of moss. The traveler stopped in his place and the figure spoke.

“I am the fey that now rules these woods. I have traveled far from another forest that was razed by the evil duke that ruled a castle nearby. From now on any who wish to pass through this forest must pay tribute or be forever cursed with misfortune.”

The traveler thought about what he had on him that could interest a fey. He knew forest spirits had little interest in anything metal, so his flask wouldn’t work, and fey always went without clothes so he couldn’t offer anything he wore. he then sighed once again and begrudgingly pulled the stone charm off of his wrist and offered it to the fairy. She quickly grabbed the charm and seemed fascinated by the disc, she quickly thanked the traveler for his generous offering and promised never to bother him if he passed through these woods in the future, before jumping off to the side of the path and quickly vanishing into the brush. The barefoot traveler continued on his journey still carrying his damp boots, at this point quite fed up with this forest.

As he continued on he looked up into the sky and thought he saw the same small white bird from that morning flying above his head. This invigorated the traveler and he began to speed up, briskly walking the final stretch.

By now it was evening and the sun had begun to set. The traveler had been walking all day and was ready to reach the village, eat a warm meal, meet with his friends in town, dry his boots, and hopefully find a new knife.

Soon he could see fires in the distance he were fairly sure were coming from his destination and he felt relieved.

He continued walking for a few more minutes before suddenly an arrow flew and hit him in the back. The hunter from earlier ran out from the brush and began to panic and asked the traveler if he were okay. This shot was seemingly a hunting accident, and the hunter must have mistook him for game of some kind in the dark.

The traveler said that he wasn't hurting too badly but that he had no experience with archery and didn't know how to judge the severity of an archery wound. The hunter apologized and offered to walk him to town and take him to the herbalist who was fairly experienced with these kinds of wounds.

As he traveled back, they began to chat about each other's lives. The traveler apologized for freeing the fox and the hunter asked him why he hadn't ever tried archery.

"Oh," said the traveler, "I thought about it, but there were too many drawbacks." #lamejoke

Iron Man

The difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man? Iron Man stops the bad guys, Aluminum Man just foils their plans. #lamejoke

Even

Then there’s the one about the girl who “can’t even!” (She’s a bit odd.) #lamejoke

Jack

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings.

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education.

His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses.

However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant on a monthly basis.

Realizing that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe.

Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbors. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the roadside and sold naan.

His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide.

His rags to riches story drew the attention of the media. When asked about his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”. #lamejoke

Beehives

Beehives with no exits? Unbelievable! #lamejoke

Cleopatra

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful, but that's how Julius Caesar. #lamejoke

Butter

For the cooking nerds out there, start by searing the steak over high heat in butter. “Won’t the butter burn?” you ask. Let me clarify…. #lamejoke 

House

We’re renovating the house. The first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story. #lamejoke

Strippers

Where strippers go? Twerk. #lamejoke 

Breath

What cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Mentos. #lamejoke

Wife

My wife banned me from making breakfast puns. She says if I make any more, I’m toast. (The kids keep egging me on.) #lamejoke

Glasses

Tomorrow, my wife and I are getting new glasses. After that? We’ll see…. #lamejoke

Horse

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.

So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?

The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.”

The horse says “Well there’s one problem, sir, I’m actually a horse.”

The music store manager says “Hey, that’s not a problem! I’m sure I can manage to teach you!”.

The horse says “Awesome!” so he goes in to his lessons and in no time he’s rockin’ the whole farm with his guitar.

One day the sheep comes wandering over. Sheep watches horse play for a bit and then says that he’d really like to learn to play drums, and can horse recommend anyone who can teach him?

Horse gives sheep the number of the music shop, and sheep dials the number.

The music store manager says “Hey, no problem, I’ll teach you to play drums! How about we set up some lessons?”

The sheep says, “Is it going to be a problem if I’m a sheep?”

The manager says “Not a problem! In fact, awhile ago I taught a horse to play guitar, so it shouldn’t be too hard to teach a sheep to play drums!”.

So the sheep goes for his music lessons and soon enough, he’s mastered them and he and horse start jamming together in the stables.

One morning sheep and horse are rocking the hose down when chicken struts past. Chicken is very impressed and tells horse and sheep that he’s always wanted to learn to sing, and could horse or sheep recommend anyone?

They both tell him about the music shop and the chicken decides to call the music shop.

So he gives the shop a call and tells the manager that he’s always longed to learn to sing, and could anyone help him?

The shop manager says it’s no problem, and when is he free to come in for lessons?

Chicken says, “There’s just one small issue”.

The shop manager asks, “What’s that?.”

The chicken says, Well...I’m a chicken.”

The manager says “That’s no problem, I’ve taught a horse to play guitar and a sheep to play drums, so I’m sure I can teach a chicken to sing”.

So chicken takes his lessons and in no time at all he’s the best singer you ever heard. He and sheep and horse decide to form a band, and start playing together, and even writing songs.

One day they’re smashing it out out in the stables when they decided to record a video of one of their songs and upload it to YouTube.

The song ends up going viral. It’s so popular they release more videos, and soon they have a massive fan base. They all decide it’s time to embark on a world tour.

At the airport, as the plane is about to board, horse says “Guys, I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you two before the flight leaves.”

Both the chicken sheep board the plane, but horse takes too long in the bathroom and misses the flight.

As horse is waiting for a new flight, he’s watching TV and a news story tells him that the plane sheep and chicken were on crashed and both chicken and sheep tragically died.

Horse was very upset about losing his two closest friends and decides to go into the bar across the road and get a drink to drown his sorrows.

He walks in and orders, and as he’s sitting at the bar drinking, the barman looks at horse and says “Why the long face?” #lamejoke

Chicken

The chicken went to the gym to work on his pecs. #lamejoke

Pigs

One day, two pigs named Earl and Ernie were working at their jobs at an insurance company. Ernie and Earl worked all day long and were in desperate need of a break or at least something different in their lives. This partiucular day started as normal. Earl and Ernie clocked in, went their respective cubicles, and worked until it was time for lunch. Ernie sat at the lone table in the breakroom slowly eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he had prepared that morning while staring at the clock on the wall. "Earl oughta be here any minute now", Ernie thought to himself. Earl walked in and joined him at the table just as he'd finished that thought.

"You got any plans this weekend?", Earl said opening his lunch box. Ernie looked at him across the table and frowned. Earl knew that Ernie didn't have any plans. He never did. So, he decided to not even answer the question, and instead take another bite of his sandwich. "I'll take that as a no", Earl said with a chuckle. Earl went on ask Ernie if he'd like to go camping with him. They'd leave on friday and return Sunday night. Ernie didn't see anything wrong with it. He'd gone camping once as a piggy and had a good time, so he figured why not.

So friday finally came around. Ernie and Earl had taken the day off and Ernie was at home waiting for Earl to come pick him up. Earl told him earlier that week that he wouldn't need to bring anything. Eventually, Earl arrived at Ernie's house and blew the horn to let Ernie know he was there. "Come on out let's roll!", Earl shouted from the his truck. Ernie rose up from his chair and made his way to his front door, but before he got there he accidentally kicked a ball. "We could play catch with this when we get to the campsite", Ernie said to himself. After hearing Earl blow his horn again, Ernie quickly picked up the ball and ran outside.

The two pigs arrived at the campsite, and they immediately got to work setting up everything. Ernie was genuinely surprised at how prepared Earl was for this trip. He was fully prepared for Earl to tell him that he'd forgotten something, but that never happened. Earl worked on building the campfire using firewood he'd purchased while Ernie worked on setting up the tent. The pigs were fully setup before the sun even began to go down. At this point, there was nothing more to do but relax until the next morning.

Eventually Earl's stomach began to rumble, and naturally he went back to this truck to grab some snacks. It was at this moment that Ernie decided to throw the ball he brought at Earl while his back was turned. Ernie threw the ball, but Earl had turned around to ask what snack Ernie wanted him to bring back. The ball hit Earl square in the chest and bounced into some nearby bushes. A massive smile appeared on Earl's face and he immediately went into the bushes to retrieve the ball. No words needed to be exchanged the two pigs were now in a game of dodgeball.

The game went on well after the sun went down, but it was abruptly cut short by Earl. Earl called for the game to pause for a moment because he had to do something in his truck, and immediately went to do it before Ernie could even say anything. Fearing that something might be wrong, Ernie went over to the truck and opened the door to the backseat to see Earl sitting there fumbling through a first aid kit.

Earl looked up at Ernie and explained, "My arms and legs have been pretty itchy since I came out of that bush earlier, so I came in here to get some oink-ment." #lamejoke

Mushroom

Our mushroom foraging expedition was disappointing. There's no morel to this story. #lamejoke