My new year's resolution is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall. I'm planning on sticking to it. #lamejoke

Joey's father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. So Joey has an uncle, once removed. #lamejoke

I got in trouble for making someone laugh in court. Was charged with man's laughter. #lamejoke

Santa never pays for parking because it's always on the house. #lamejoke

Does Santa take his sleigh to his magic class or does he take a luge in? #lamejoke

Sheep jokes are bad. Really baaaaaaa-d. #lamejoke

According to ancient Japanese lore, the color of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die. Cyan-aura. #lamejoke

A perfume salesman was trying to sell me a bunch of odorless cologne. I thought it was total non scents. #lamejoke

I painted half of my face like a clown today and went for a drive. I'm not sure everyone saw the funny side. #lamejoke

Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have four stomachs to digest the grasses they consume. Sounds like graze anatomy to me. #lamejoke

I kicked the clock out of the library. It tocked too much. Ticked me off. #lamejoke

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence. #lamejoke

So, for Christmas, I decided to hang a decoration that shows both my love for music and for our founding fathers. It’s a wreath of Franklin. #lamejoke

Then there was the one about the witch who got plastic surgery. She looked really good afterworts. #lamejoke

Irritating Santa this time of year would be a coalossal mistake. #lamejoke

If you invest in these stocks: chicken, beef, and vegetable, you’ll be a bouillonaire in no time. #lamejoke

The secret agent was asked to leave because he kept bugging everyone. #lamejoke

Mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole… on Thanksgiving, there’s always more than one side to the story. #lamejoke

Miniature pumpkins don't run with the bulls because they are afraid of being squashed or gourd. #lamejoke

I swallowed a large pair of earrings. Can they be removed? I remain hoopful. #lamejoke

A friend just started a business gathering sticks together and tying them for convenient handling. He's making a bundle. #lamejoke

My expensive car got stuck in the mud. I know what you’re thinking: Porsche muck. #lamejoke

When the senator missed the morning bus he decided to run for office. #lamejoke

Never invite ghosts to your Halloween party. They just come for the booos. #lamejoke

Ever notice bankers tend to keep to themselves? They're loaners by nature. #lamejoke

Science is now saying birthdays are healthy for you. Apparently people who have more live longer…. #lamejoke

Someone asked me to rate our galaxy. I'm thinking one star. #lamejoke

If there’s one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dartboard on the ceiling. #lamejoke

Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths to warm them up? Awaiting a reply with baited breath.... #lamejoke

I've decided to self-identify as deodorant. Before you ask, yes, I am sure. #lamejoke

A friend likes pickles in his pizza crust. Such a weirdough. #lamejoke

The pirate didn't travel on the mountain road because 'scurvy. #lamejoke

How do I feel about canned food? I give it and ate out of tin. #lamejoke

The plaintiff brought in a rabbit as his key witness. The judge dismissed it as hare say. #lamejoke

Moby Dick didn't have a funeral but he did have a huge wake.  #lamejoke

Most snakes are just looking for a place to be long. #lamejoke

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I'd have a pun per nickel. #lamejoke

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now. #lamejoke

The local expressway has become blocked after a truck shed its load of brightly colored writing paper and envelopes. The cops say that the traffic is pretty stationery. #lamejoke

I saw this Halloween witch picking her feet. I wonder if this is where candy corn comes from…. #lamejoke

I saw a guy pouring soy sauce on another guy laying on the ground. You know, it's not right to Kikkoman when he's down. #lamejoke

A friend just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins. Oh, gourd, was it awful.... #lamejoke

A local school abolished exams and some people were upset. They were protesting. #lamejoke

Today, I bought the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible. #lamejoke

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected. #lamejoke

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be. #lamejoke

As less and less people are buying into religion, prophets are down. #lamejoke

I just scream out broccoli or cauliflower, sometimes both, for no good reason. I think I might have florets.... #lamejoke

This three pack a day guy had a legless dog. Since his wife didn't like him smoking in the house, any time he needed a cigarette, he'd take the dog out for a drag. #lamejoke

You prolly want to know what's blue and not very heavy. Light blue. #lamejoke

People often ask me why I became an editor. Well, to cut a long story short.... #lamejoke

Elite hunters can kill pigeons with a bow and arrow in pitch darkness. They do it by studying a coo sticks. #lamejoke

It's not easy living near Mrs Potato Head. She keeps sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. #lamejoke

Home Depot wouldn't let me buy a hammer in store. They said that they have to mallet to me. #lamejoke

I managed to bake something on my first try. It was a piece of cake. #lamejoke

The yoyo was originally used in combat during the First Whirled War. #lamejoke

Joey spilled some Jell-o on Prince William, and was accused of pudding on heirs. #lamejoke

Found a summer job earning extra money by sprinkling tiny drops of water every morning on the front yards of rich people. I don't earn much, but I make dew. #lamejoke

Then there was the one about this super powerful vampire. He can't be harmed by the sun. All other vampires pale in comparison. #lamejoke

A pun walks into a room and suddenly the ten people in the room die. Pun in, ten dead. #lamejoke

Most people learn how to redecorate their bathrooms through tile and error. #lamejoke

Lions can see themselves with a mere roar. #lamejoke

Fleas travel from animal to animal by itch hiking. #lamejoke

When you receive your next mink coat, you may want to ask, "Is that faux fur or is that fur real?" #lamejoke

Ever ask yourself, who, in a perfect world, would raise a child? The answer should be apparent. #lamejoke

Forget your pen? No bic deal. #lamejoke

I suggested building beds above each other to save space but the idea was debunked. #lamejoke

I never thought my wife would get into Feng Shui. My, how the tables have turned. #lamejoke

I just heard about the serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts. The police say he’s still at large. #lamejoke

The guy bought five rackets because tennis too many. #lamejoke

To the person who stole Joey's anti depressants… I hope you're happy. #lamejoke

Building a teepee requires a lodge-is-sticks expert. #lamejoke

Joey caught his wife in bed with her personal trainer. He told her this is not working out. #lamejoke

I invented beach footwear for people with one leg. It was a flop. #lamejoke

I've been shopping for a trailer. Every time I find a good one, there's a hitch. #lamejoke

I cut my grass on a need to mow basis. #lamejoke

My mom always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin, but I don't sink sew. #lamejoke

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150. He's a pickup artist. #lamejoke

I just can't seem to finish my woodworking project, but it's not for lacquer trying. #lamejoke

Escalators make me feel uncomfortable. They automatically stair when I enter the room. #lamejoke

Yardsticks rule! #lamejoke

A chocolate bar's preferred pronouns are her, she. #lamejoke

Some people think that a pretzel is knot bread. #lamejoke 

Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but, eventually, they get the hang of it. #lamejoke

It’s difficult for me to say what my daughter, Sally, does. You see, she sells sea shells by the sea shore. #lamejoke

Somebody just gave me a free air guitar. No strings attached! #lamejoke

I googled the phrase “missing medieval servant”. It came back with “page not found”. #lamejoke

I built myself a speech-activated car. I also have a regular car, but that goes without saying. #lamejoke

If your nose goes on strike, picket! #lamejoke

The letter ‘t’ has just been banned. Now, we'll never hear the end of it. #lamejoke

The tree didn't understand why the lumberjack cut it down. It was stumped. #lamejoke

I went to the North Pole. It was very see Nick. #lamejoke

With great reflexes comes great response ability. #lamejoke

I'm guessing Mozart decomposed after he died. #lamejoke

Everybody knows Albert Einstein was a genius, however nobody mentions his brother, Frank. That guy was a monster. #lamejoke

Joey had back surgery about a week back. #lamejoke

A group of cannibals crashed a séance and ate everyone present. One insisted on cooking his medium rare. #lamejoke

Dogcatchers get paid by the pound. #lamejoke

I once tried taking a vow of silence. Easier said than done. #lamejoke

You can't fault a good tennis serve. #lamejoke

I gave up surfing in Hawaii to make sandwiches. Now my life is very sub dude. #lamejoke

I dug up a worm for fishing. It's the end of the line for him. #lamejoke

Joey has a fear of being in a crowded vehicle and going through an underground passage. I think that he has carpool tunnel syndrome. #lamejoke

Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. #lamejoke

Look, I hate waiting in lines as much as the next guy. Actually, he probably hates it slightly more. #lamejoke

They dared me to jump off a cliff, but it was just a bluff. #lamejoke

I couldn't find the car window scraper this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card to clean my windows. It didn't work very well. I only got 20% off. #lamejoke

The pirate on Wheel Of Fortune wanted to buy an "I". #lamejoke

The politician, who opened a neighborhood pharmacy, is considered to be a piller of the community. #lamejoke

I wanted to bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud. #lamejoke

The photon moved very quickly through space because it was traveling light. #lamejoke

If I order a hatchet from Europe and have it shipped, I'd have a foreign ax sent. #lamejoke

You can't sing with a mouthful of garbanzo beans, so hummus a tune. #lamejoke

Old exterminators never die - they are just gnat seen anymore. #lamejoke

There are some pigeons back in the chimney, but I don't think they're the same ones as last year. I heard there's been a coup. #lamejoke

Water is really easy to understand. What it boils down to is steam. #lamejoke

In medieval days, people were always hanging out by the gallows. #lamejoke

They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy. It was a counter attack. #lamejoke

I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing. #lamejoke

I recently took a poll and found out that 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed. #lamejoke

I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake. I feel like canoe person. #lamejoke

I heard about a cult that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred? #lamejoke

Joey's wife complains that he doesn’t buy her flowers. (But just between you and me, I don’t think he knows she even sells flowers.) #lamejoke

Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire, but Quasimodo has a hunch. #lamejoke

Interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle and, chances are, you'll hear some crosswords. #lamejoke

If you don't think doing laundry is funny, you need a dryer sense of humor. #lamejoke

I read a book on fortune tellers. It wasn't an easy read, it wasn't a difficult read. I'd say it was about a medium. #lamejoke

Wondering if my idea of putting scales in the ocean could be a success. I guess I'll just have to weight and sea. #lamejoke

I just spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do to help. #lamejoke

The lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters was pretty complicated, but I can Samurais it for you. #lamejoke

This past winter, I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares. #lamejoke

Something about subtraction just doesn't add up. #lamejoke

Everyone was standing except Neil. #lamejoke

Got all the ingredients to make pizzas. Now all I knead is the dough. #lamejoke

I recently bumped into the guy who once sold me an antique globe. It’s a small world. #lamejoke

You can't change the weather in a tree, but you can climate. #lamejoke

My wife and I were watching silent tennis yesterday. It's the same as regular tennis, but without the racket. #lamejoke

Joey's wife tried to beat him at Scrabble, but he wooden letter. #lamejoke

Don't eat animal crackers if the seal is broken. #lamejoke

In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't. #lamejoke

I just did a magic trick where I made a stick of margarine disappear. It wasn’t very good, but, it was butter then nothing. #lamejoke

They open cans of tuna in New Mexico with an albacore key. #lamejoke

I was in a good mood until I started petting a duckling at a park. Then I started feeling a little down. #lamejoke

Entomologists love tornadoes. It’s a perfect occasion to see a house fly. #lamejoke

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors that wrote novels about dinosaurs. She said to try Sarah Topps. #lamejoke

Joey's grandma has this crazy idea about an apple that’s sour and way better than any other apple. But Joey just calls that Granny’s myth. #lamejoke

I'm training mice to perform classical music. You may call me Maestro. #lamejoke

I used to run a dating agency for chickens. But I struggled to make hens meet. #lamejoke

Dark is spelled with a K rather than a C because you don't see in the dark. #lamejoke

Because of a clerical error at the hospital we named both of our twin boys William. They billed us twice. #lamejoke

Seems that Saint Patrick's Day keeps getting bigger every year. Must be Dublin…. #lamejoke

The cookie went to the doctor because he was feeling crummy. #lamejoke

Joey's dad passed away last year because they didn't know his dad's blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion. As he was dying, his dad kept saying, "Be positive", but Joey said that it's hard without him. #lamejoke

Most puns make me numb, but math puns make me number. #lamejoke

My great-uncle Albert wasn’t feeling well so he went to his homeopathic doctor. They completely covered his back with lard and, after that, he went downhill pretty fast. #lamejoke

The second floor bathroom was closed for service today. Now the ground floor bathroom has double doody. #lamejoke

The cops can't find the thief who has been stealing futons from different stores. (I think he's lying low.) #lamejoke

Joey always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but he never got the chants. #lamejoke

The sick juggler just could't stop throwing up. #lamejoke

I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness. #lamejoke

Cupid is always seen using a bow. Because in Greek, the goddess of love had Eros. #lamejoke

Joey just got fired from his job as a pallbearer. He couldn't stop coffin. #lamejoke

Santa's reindeer don't roast each other, they have rude-offs. (If you don't get it, sleigh it out loud.) #lamejoke

Ornithologists have recently been studying if cannabis has any effect on seabirds. They’ve left no tern un-stoned. #lamejoke

Joey's next-door neighbors are always lighting up fragrant sticks, even after he complained. They are so incensitive! #lamejoke

Skydivers chute first, ask questions later. They’re well grounded. #lamejoke

My car's horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout. He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired.” #lamejoke

There's an upcoming march for people that love the third month of the year. #lamejoke

Joey thought he failed his parallel parking test. Luckily, his driving instructor grades on the curb. #lamejoke

Selling Diet programs can be very profitable. They appeal to a wide audience. #lamejoke

A local Hawaii resident was heard to comment that some vacationers are here today, gone to Maui. #lamejoke

His wife left him saying that she was going home to mutter. #lamejoke

We all just want to belong. But some of us are short. #lamejoke

If you get in a kickboxing match with a lawnmower, you will be defeeted. #lamejoke

Some people say puns are just bad dad jokes. I don't think that could be father from the truth. #lamejoke

The guy was talking so much that he built the bike in the wrong order. He spoke too soon. #lamejoke

Joey got stabbed in the eye with a pickle. Now he's brined. #lamejoke

Catching Bigfoot is no small feat. #lamejoke

Just for the record, I need a new phonograph. #lamejoke

Joey once dated a girl who was a member of ISIS. She was the bomb. #lamejoke

If you ever go on a date and the person has the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall, that's a big red flag. #lamejoke

I think there are about one to two million baseball fields in the world, but that's just a ballpark number. #lamejoke

I was reading a paperback about Romania for eight hours straight. Finally I decided to give my Bucharest. #lamejoke

Once again the annual ninja parade passed through town unnoticed. #lamejoke

I used to work at Sears and knew a big time hippie back in 1969. The guy was a little strange, but he woodstock everything just right. #lamejoke

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me. #lamejoke

If you see a jaguar in the wild, open its door, get in, and drive away. #lamejoke

Joey lost his cow milking job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behavior. He was a danger to himself and udders. #lamejoke

I thought I had perfected my cloning technique but something went terribly wrong. I just got ahead of myself. #lamejoke

All my friends have such long and complicated bucket lists. Mine is a little pail in comparison. #lamejoke

Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.... #lamejoke

Why a man would want a wife is a mystery to some. Why he would want more than one is a bigamystery. #lamejoke

Impatience can be attributed to loss of wait. #lamejoke

My toy drone just got stuck in a tree. It's not the least favorite thing that happened to me today, but it is definitely up there. #lamejoke

Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill. #lamejoke

Joey doesn't think "modern art" should really be classified as art. He says that a line needs to be drawn somewhere. #lamejoke

Gum makes me sneeze. A chew. #lamejoke

I have a fear of two letter words. Get scared just thinking about it. #lamejoke

Joey tried to go on a diet, but stopped after seven days. I guess it was a weak effort. #lamejoke

When I think of backwards desserts, I get stressed. #lamejoke

An ancient Greek playwright was suffering writer’s block. He kept scribbling down lines and then tearing up the pages. Picking up the torn pages, his friend asked, “Why, Euripides?” #lamejoke

Do not accept a friend request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked. #lamejoke

Medieval trebuchets were capable of launching at ’em bombs. #lamejoke

Sisyphus was the first musical genius. He was a master of rock and roll. #lamejoke

Anyone can learn how to dance on the ceiling if they just stick to it. #lamejoke

I have a good joke about time travel, but you didn't like it. #lamejoke

A slumlord prohibits his tenants from painting the doors of their apartments any color other than slate. He believes there’s nothing like the greyed out doors. #lamejoke

You like money, and I like money. So we are a greed. #lamejoke

At least the shaking father didn't have to place his car in the garage on his own - he had parking sons. #lamejoke

I mixed an orange flavored soda and a twig. It was fantastic! #lamejoke

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. #lamejoke

Can you imagine the alphabet without the letter B? It's easy if you make B leave. #lamejoke

I want to be a pastry chef, because I feel that tart imitates life. #lamejoke

Becoming a lumberjack is a question of wood, not could. #lamejoke

In my dreams, nobody shaves. I have a lot of imagine hairy friends. #lamejoke

Make a pun about the number 1? Ok, fine, but only if we half two. #lamejoke