The archaeologist remarked to his assistant that it smelled funny in the pyramid. 

The assistant replied, "Sorry, I passed gas."

The archaeologist responded, "Ah, so did I. I guess we have a toot in common."

When did the pregnant bed bug give birth? 

In the spring.

What do you call a helpful female sibling? 

Assister.

What do you call omnipotent Earl Grey? 

Almighty.

What's the opposite of progress? 

Congress.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. 

Can you believe that! 2:30 am! 

Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear. 

The doctor says, "That looks nasty." 

The woman replies, "It's just the tip of the iceberg."

What's a pirate's favorite cookie? 

Ships ahoy.

What do toilet paper and numbers have in common? 

Both can be multiplied.

Bunch of old age pensioners protesting outside the hospital yesterday....

What do we want?

Free hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Free hearing aids!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? 

DUUUNNGGGGGGGG!

What did the body builder get for losing all his muscle? 

A trophy.

How do you create light by using water?

Clean the windows!

Imagine a civilization made up of only bedroom furniture -  bed frames, nightstands, drawers etc. 

One day, this beautiful dresser fell down and couldn't get up. "Help help help!" the dresser cried. 

Then suddenly, this mysterious, strong piece of furniture came to her and helped her up. 

She said, "Thank you! You are my knight in shining armoire."

Why didn't the gardener plant any flowers? 

Because she hadn't botany.

What was on the floor in the snake's bathroom? 

Rep tile, of course.

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while, she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

What do you call an undecorated aircraft? 

A plain.

What did the bride say when the rattlesnake ate her ring? 

I just want my diamond back.

I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

After a while he said, "Maybe I'll make a bid, eh."

Joey recounted today what he said during his colonoscopy.... 

"Doctor, could you write a note for my wife letting her know my head isn't up there?"

Peaches, the gorilla, escaped from the zoo. 

When they got her back, they had to change her name because she had become an ape re-caught.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 

At the bottom.

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver. 

So I spent all that money, and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk? 

Toucans.

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? 

One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.

Why were the cows disappointed in their number collection? 

Because they lactate.

What did Ernie say when Bert wanted to have some of his frozen yogurt? 

Sherbert.

What gives an engine the ability to hear? 

An engineer.

What happens when your can opener breaks? 

It becomes a can't opener.

Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? 

He was just too far out man.