A quick guide on "How To Fall Downstairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

If I ate beans and you ate beans, how old would we be? 

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.

Why does Lex Luthor carry around a gun and a spoon wherever he goes? 

In case he ever meets soup or man.

What do you call a band made of psychoanalysts? 

Pink Freud.

How do you start a flea circus? 

Build it from scratch.

Why did Mike Tyson send his lemonade back? 

It tasted like pith.

Why did the pirates stop playing chess? 

Because it was getting stale, matey.

What do marsupials prefer to drink instead of water? 

Any kind of koala tea drink.

What do you call a driver that's never been in an accident? 

Wreckless.

How can you tell if someone's a priest? 

Collar ID.

What do you call a section of musicians who refuse to play? 

A non-violin protest.

Why did Thor only invite his brother to his party? 

He wanted to keep it low key.

What did the tree say after a long winter? 

What a re-leaf!

How does a Lego man measure his shoe-size? 

In square feet

What's another word for cat drool?

Mewcus.

Why was the religious chef sacked from the ice-cream parlor? 

He refused to work on sundaes.

What's an alpaca's favorite type of music? 

Alpacappella.

Have you ever heard of Murphy's law?

It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Have you ever heard of Cole's law? 

It's just thinly sliced cabbage

How did the typewriter know it was pregnant?

It skipped a period.

What did the Italian dish say when asked why it couldn't get into the house?

Gnocchi.

There have been years of analysis by mainframe computers but it was a humble supermarket self checkout which finally unlocked the secrets of how dogs communicate with each other. 

Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.

Why did the bird cross the kitchen? 

To Eat! To Eat! To Eat!

How do you make an Escalade? 

Two cups of water, two tablespoons of sugar, and one freshly squeezed escal.

I went to the zoo yesterday and, can you believe it, I saw eight large baguettes in a cage! 

The zoo keeper told me they were bread in captivity.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,

"Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a zoologist!"

What's the point of the ethernet?

To catch the ether bunny.

What do you call an army of baby oaks?

The infantree.

Why couldn't the musher get his new puppy's harness on?

The dog was a little husky.

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.