An old man lies dying in 2070 surrounded by his family. 

Trying to extract some final wisdom from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks, "What's the part of your life that sticks out to you the most, Dad?" 

He responds, "I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem, in my mind, to be as clear and perfect as this moment now."

His son exclaims, "Wow, fifty years! Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age, Pop."

"But of course," says his dad, "hindsight is 2020."

Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world?

Never mined.

What do you call an Australian that will only eat short-grain rice?

A rice-ist.

Joey was pretty scrawny, so he had to quit his job as a personal trainer.

He gave them his too weak notice.

What do you call a depressed traffic jam?

Bummer to bummer traffic.

If Spock has Vulcan ears, what does Scotty have?

Engineers.

What you you call a day old pastry?

Yesterdanish.

You matter until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.

What happened to the potato farmer who crossed the mob?

He's sleeping with the knishes.

Then there was the one about the brake pedal who had to leave his job.

He had to stop when he got depressed.

What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the leaders in the old Soviet Union hate riding in taxis?

The drivers were always stallin'.

How does an Australian greet his toilet?

Bidet, mate!

My wife's pretty good at making an Earl Grey.

It's her special tea.

How much food will $64 get you?

Eight square meals.

19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

The man who invented autocorrect has passed away. 

His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey.

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. 

He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found.

She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

What do you call an educator who's under the influence?

A high school teacher.

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “You can’t do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.”

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A wonkey.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

I recently started a new job at the toy factory. 

There are only two of us that work on the production line for Dracula figures.

I have to make every second count.

What was Beethoven's favorite city in England?

London-dun-dunnn.

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12. 

On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-for bow.

Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?" 

His cautious father replied, I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

Joey went to his podiatrist to have a bunion removed.

When the treatment ended, he asked if another appointment would be necessary.

They said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."

A small stream runs through my friend’s rural property.

His wife, an inveterate gardener, plants flowers along the stream, keeping its boarders clean and clear. 

That is because she loves to weed a good brook.

Why didn't the tick go to the prom?

He didn't have a tick-ette.