Who is responsible for a child’s moral education? 

It's apparent, isn't it?

Before she got the gig on Wheel of Fortune, Vanna White tried to get a similar job at the Scrabble factory. 

They didn't have much turnover so they wooden letter even apply.

What was the Shakespeare play about the seasonal office worker who had a bladder problem?

"The Temp Pissed."

An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day, "“I can’'t stand your constant sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief?"

The squaw answered, "”’'It is but for a linen cloth for which I hanker, Chief.”

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

Joey's wife has been missing for a week and the police told him to prepare for the worst.

He went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

The last time I went for a job interview, the interviewer said to me, “According to your resume, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s correct.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

“No," I said, "but it was quick.”

Why was the little ink drop crying?

Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.

What is E.T. short for?

He has really small legs.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fall forwards, they'll still be in the boat.

A Spanish-speaking magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos... " POOF!

He disappeared without a tres.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foiled again!”

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his collection of guitars. 

The judge asked “First offender?”

She replied, “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”

What did the boy boat say to the girl boat? 

“Are you up for a little row-mance?”

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What do you call keys born on the same day?

Twinkies!

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants.

Today I got in touch with my inner self….

That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.

What did the chocolate bar do when it heard a good joke?

It snickered.

How do you identify a dogwood tree?

By its bark.

What do you call a chicken from outer space?

An egg-straterrestrial!

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said, "Thank you."

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

Today, I beat a black belt at karate.

My next opponent is a green sock.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, no one steals my shoe.