Tonight on Celebrity Iron Chef we pit star of radio and screen Tonto against literary and film giant Tarzan! This should be an exciting match.

The Chairman greets the two contestants and reveals tonight's secret ingredient - cow's stomach! Ooh, this is a difficult meat to prepare, and not just because of how thoroughly nauseating the prospect of eating it is!

The challengers have grabbed their stomachs, or rather those of the cows, and are starting to cook. Though our judges may be grabbing their stomachs before all is done!

Poor Tonto. His years of campfire cooking seem to have him at a loss. He is looking around trying to decide what he should do with this unfamiliar ingredient: fry it, bake it, eat it raw? But look at Tarzan go! He has already got four pans going and is heading to the ice cream maker! Wow! Who would have thought the Lord of the Jungle would also be King of the Kitchen!

....

The time has just about elapsed in our match. Tonto has just one dish, a sad mess that I can't imagine anyone would want to eat. But Tarzan has truly outdone himself. He's prepared six dishes, all looking succulent and inviting. The judges are tasting Tonto's dish now. I've never seen the judges turn green before! Most of them are spitting it out. It doesn't look good for the faithul Indian companion. And now it's time for Tarzan's dishes to be tasted. Has he made the cow's stomach palatable?

Look at the expression on the judges' faces! They are all ecstatic, and some are asking for second helpings! The Chairman has declared Tarzan the winner! Let's have a quick interview with the new champion.

"Tarzan! Tarzan! It's amazing what you were able to do with such a nasty, foul theme ingredient. To what do you owe your amazing culinary finesse?"

"Tarzan raised in jungle. Many animal stomachs eaten. Also many herbs and spices. Tarzan learn, more use of spices make terrible meat good. Tarzan know thousand ways to make meat like this."

"Well, I couldn't have said it better myself! Thank you, Tarzan. And now, let's ask one of our judges his opinion of the truly African cuisine he had today."

"I can say without reservation this was one of the finest meals I've ever eaten. I would love to have Tarzan cook like this for me every day. In fact, if he knows a thousand ways to prepare it I think I could eat Tarzan's tripes forever!"