An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

A minister, driving down to New York, is stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" 

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" 

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The boy said, “You got a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

Waiter! Waiter! Do you have frog’s legs?

No sir, it’s just the way I’m standing.

Then there was the one about the man in the hospital whose doctor came into his room and said, "I have some bad news and some good news for you." 

The man said, “What's the bad news?" 

The doctor said, "We need to cut off both your legs.” 

The man said, “What's the good news? 

The doctor answered, “The man in the next bed next wants to buy your slippers!"

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” 

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Why could Frosty the Snowman see everything?

Because he had ice in the back of his head!

What does Santa call a reindeer that doesn't work?

Dinner.

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? 

A tire.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up, now."

A Cub Scout troop was thirty minutes late to the den meeting. 

The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”

“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping a little old lady cross the street.”

“That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you a half an hour late.”

“Well, you see,” said another boy, “she didn’t want to go.”

What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?

Santa Claws.

What vegetable makes birds fart?

A sparrow gas.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Yourself.

Yourself who?

You cell phone's ringing, you'd better answer it.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

His first love "be the sea".

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dexter.

Dexter, who?

Dexter halls with boughs of holly.

What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight?

One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the sleigh.

"Dad, I’ve been picked for the school football team!"

"That’s great, son.  Which position do you play?"

"The coach says I’m one of the drawbacks."

What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school?

Pop quizzes!

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

What is Santa Claus's nationality?

North Polish.

How does a sheep say “Merry Christmas”?

“Fleece Navidad!”

A farmer picks up an Native American hitchhiking. 

The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, what's in the bag?" 

The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife." 

The Indian thinks for a second and says, "Mmm, good trade."

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive, who?

Olive the other reindeer....

What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?

Chill out.

Why was school easier for cave people?

Because there was no history to study.

Why are soldiers so tired on April 1?

Because they just had a 31 day March.

Why did the atom cross the road?

It was time to split.

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?" 

The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. 

“I’m driving.” 

“That is the quickest way!” the local said.

Which famous inventor of the telegraph enjoyed campfire treats?

S. Morse.