It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced. 

“It could cost thousands of dollars,” said the woman. 

“I see. Well, isn’t there an easier way? A less expensive way?” 

“Sure,” she replied. “Run for president.”

Why was the cat wearing a tuxedo?

He was going to the hare ball!

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” 

He further addressed the crowd, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” 

Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”

What game encourages drinking and driving? 

Golf.

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show.

After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?”

“I could tell you, sir,” the magician answered, “but then I’d have to kill you.”

After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Okay, then… just tell my wife.”

Herds of elephants from all over Africa were summoned to a meeting in the jungle, as their national leader took his place on the stage, one of the African elephants trumpeted impatiently, “Come on, tell us what this is all about. We’re all ears.”

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. 

The history professor asked, “Have you read Marx? 

The psychology professor replied, “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

On his 76th birthday, Jerry got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

 

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

 

Jerry was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he became the manliest of all men.

 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Two fonts, Arial and Calibri, were in the midst of a bad breakup. 

Calibri said, "I'm sorry, you're personality is too bold." 

Arial responded, "You're just not my type...."

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake, and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of her town, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

What color is a belch?

Burple.

If two collars had a race, how would it end? 

In a tie!

What is a parasite? 

Something you see in Paris.

Whats green and fluffy and comes from Mars?  

A Martian-mellow.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. 

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

What word is always spelt incorrectly? 

Incorrectly.

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? 

The stamps kept falling off the rocks.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing!" said the woman, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.

"Well," they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Nana.

Nana who?

Nana your business.

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

He wanted some arr and arr.

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. 

 “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one hundred thousand dollars” said the man. 

 “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” 

 “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” 

“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” asked the bartender. 

 “This month – so far – not a cent.”

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend?” Paul replied.

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. 

 

 “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.

“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

“Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?”

“Right,” Mark extemporized. “That, madam, is my nightcap.”

What's the opposite of a somersault?

A winter pepper.

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.

“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”

“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?"

“I was making a bolt for the door!”

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

 He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."