A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs said not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”

Why was the musician arrested? 

He got in treble.

Why don't elephants go skinny dipping?

They can't get their trunks off.

A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?" 

The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!"

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. 

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. 

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. 

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. 

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. 

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. 

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

"Now, how about that drink?"

Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied her.

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? 

Now I herd everything.

I picked up a Magic 8-Ball the other day and it said, 'Outlook not so good.' 

I said, 'Sure, but Microsoft still ships it.'

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. 

When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

Two chickens were chatting around the coop. 

"That big rooster next door made a pass at me!" one exclaimed. 

"Really? Did you provoke him?" 

"Well, I egged him on a little."

In honor of International Hoof Care Week, I would like to bring to light a new farrier/artist name Ed Smith. He developed the art of carving intricate patterns in the tops of horse hooves. He is much talked about in cowboy circles. 

Around many a campfire you hear exclamations about Hoof Art Ed!

What do you get from a pampered cow? 

Spoiled milk.

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship land in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. 

The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?'' 

The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" 

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." 

Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." 

Harvey says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. 

"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I bought her a belt and a bag."

"That was very kind of you," Jim added, "I hope she appreciated the thought." 

Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

What do you call a shoe store with only one owner? 

A sole proprietorship.

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog -- it croaks every night.

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. 

"I don't know," he said. "She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad.

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7? 

The wrong answer.

A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.

"Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel.

"I'm here to eat some apples."

"But this is a pine tree!"

"I know. I brought my own apples."

Three brothers left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. 

"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her." 

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to." 

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

Steve lived in Staten Island, NY and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferry home every night.

One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Steve decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was felling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, Steve took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Steve to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Joey took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Yes," says Joey. "Sticks".

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. 

“Don’t be angry,” the Mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.”

A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says… “Now she knows.”

Why did the prophet feel like only half a man before he parted the Red Sea? 

He was not yet wholly Moses.

Forced by rising costs and lagging demand to make their leading product out of a cheaper metal, Hoosier Love, Inc. found that a special treatment process was needed to clean and coat their Indy 500 memento, a tiny fake-jewel-studded replica of an Offenhauser engine on a jeweler's chain, to protect it from the corrosive effect of chlorine.

This process appeared in the ISO 9000 Manufacturer's Manual under the title, "The Dechloration of Indy Pendants."