What do electric train sets and women's breasts have in common?

They were both originally intended for children but it's the fathers that play with them.

Have you heard about the new airline for old people? 

Its called Incontinental.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Only finding half a worm.

Why can't horses dance?

Because they have 2 left feet.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

To win the Nobel prize.

Where do dumb aliens go?

Area 52.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?

Jurassic pork.

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a monkey sitting next to him.

 

"Are you a monkey?" asked the man, surprised. 

 

"Yes." 

 

"What are you doing at the movies?" 

 

The monkey replied, "Well, I liked the book."

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. 

"Matt's riding a new bike!" 

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!" 

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" 

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

What do you get if you cross an owl with a billygoat?

A hootin' nanny.

What do you get when you pour concrete on a burglar?

A hardened criminal.

What time does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first." 

What type of insect do women use to paint their mouths?

Why, a lips-tick, of course.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but you have to get them in there first.

How do you know that your clock is crazy?

It goes "cuckoo".

Why aren't bananas ever lonely?

Because they hang around in bunches.

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.

"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"

An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

A monkey managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight. Lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. "Hey," he called. "I'm a monkey from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.


Our friend trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They tasted so good. "What else do you wild monkeys do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that tree there? It's got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well." The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I have to get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

What animal do you look like when you get into the bathtub?

A little bear.
 

How do monkeys get down the stairs?

They slide down the banana-ster.

Late one night, a robber wearing a ski mask stuck a gun into the ribs of a nicely dressed man.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," said the robber, "give me my money."

Why is England the wettest country? 

 
Because the queen has reigned there for years! 

When do cannibals leave the table?  

When everyone's eaten.

A family of high-class potatoes was able to send their daughter to college. A few months later, however, she came home and announced that she was quitting college to get married. Very upset, the parents demanded to know who the man was.

When the girl told them she was in love with a famous newscaster, Dan Spud, the mother exclaimed: “Good heavens, girl! After all we've done for you, how could you marry a common tater?”

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

 

She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”

What do a kangaroo and a zucchini have in common?

 

Neither one can ride a bike.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.

At the end of his first day on the job, his boss fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"100,000 dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

A gentleman was wandering around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approached a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"