A man walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

The doctor puts his ear to the man's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the man's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the man's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."

Fred was a hard-working artisan who had tried producing many different styles of cheese. Most of these ended in failure. He started with brie, but the result was too breezy.. His Swiss was unholy and his cheddar was very dull. Even his processed American Cheese Product was altogether too real.

At last it came to him that his problem was a matter of proper timing. His most successful effort worked when the cheese became finished on the last day of October. Thus, fortuitously, he created the perfect Halloween muenster.

What does Dracula get when he doesn’t brush his teeth?

Bat breath.

A very strange thing happened here in suburbia a few days ago…

This past weekend, I noticed a neighbor of mine repairing his sidewalk. He had removed a number of broken sections (thanks to numerous trees in his yard). He had rented a cement mixer (portable – not a truck). He was laying new forms for the cement. He was almost ready to pour the cement which would form a new, flat sidewalk that would no longer be a safety hazard to folks walking to his front door.

This particular neighbor is in his 60s. He and his wife never had children of their own, but both have always been exceptionally nice to the neighborhood children.

On Halloween, they host a “haunted house”. At Christmas, they always have gifts for all the children who live nearby. At Easter time, they host an Easter egg hunt in their yard. One would have to look far and wide to find a couple of people who care more for children than they do.

It is because of this that I was so shocked this past weekend…

Seeing as how this gentleman has helped me do so many chores around my house in the past few years, I offered my assistance to him in his task.

We finished preparing the site for his new sidewalk. Then we mixed the cement. Then, we began pouring the new cement walkway leading to his front door. After laboring for a number of hours, we finished. To those of you who have never poured cement, it is back-breaking work. A portion of cement the size of a medium bag of dog food weight more than 100 pounds!

We were both exhausted. We each had a cold lemonade and sat down to admire our work. Just then, two neighbor children came riding down the street on their bicycles. Seeing the fresh cement walkway, they cut across his lawn, and rode the bikes right across the fresh (still wet) cement, leaving bike tire tracks across the fruit of our labors…

My neighbor, totally out of character, immediately started screaming obscenities at the children. I had never heard him use such language! Especially directed at kids! His tirade lasted a few minutes. He was angrier than I had ever seen him!

When he finally cooled down, I asked him, “Ah, John. I am surprised. I thought that you loved all the children around here.”

He looked over at me and responded, “In the abstract, yes. But, not in the concrete!”

How do ghosts begin letters?

”Tomb it may concern”

So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe.

Having not had a meal since he’d left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn’t take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of blood out of him.

Now Dracula was faced with a problem. “How do I dispose of this body?” he wondered. The only solution he could come with was to throw the corpse out the window. “I’m so high up, they’ll never trace the body back to me. Ha ha,” he cackled. So – whoosh – out the window went the corpse.

It just so happened that right below that window was the customary station of an itinerant street singer. Bang! The singer got hit right on his noggin by the falling body and was knocked unconscious.

Back in his hotel room Dracula was in the mood for “dessert,” so he rang room service and asked the front desk to send up another town constable.

Ten minutes later the policeman arrived and Dracula invited him in. As soon as the door shut, Dracula pounced and devoured his fresh and steaming “dessert.”

Again the count wondered “How do I get rid of the body?” and then thought, “Well, it worked once. Why not again?” So out the window went his latest victim.

At that moment the street singer below had just regained consciousness and was wondering what the heck was going on. His consciousness didn’t last long, however, as he was instantly knocked out cold by Count Dracula’s second victim.

Some time later the singer woke up and saw that a small crowd had gathered around. As he regained his bearings, one of the onlookers asked, “What’s happened here?”

“It’s terrible,” sang the street singer. “Drained cops keep falling on my head!”

What’s frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?

A terror wrist.

After a long and productive lifetime of hunching over her bubbling cauldron muttering incantations and concocting various enchanted brews, the wretched crone finally came to the realization that she was no longer in her prime. In addition to the pronounced dowager’s hump she’d developed, her arthritic feet were an almost constant source of pain and torment for her. She could barely stuff her wrinkled toes into those pointed boots any longer.

One evening as she emptied her tote sack onto her enormous chopping block and began the tedious task of mincing up a fresh batch of bat tongues and newt eyes, an idea suddenly dawned upon her. If she had a smaller, more portable cutting board, she might just as easily process these ingredients in her lap as she was comfortably seated beside her boiling cauldron. “Ah, yes,” She muttered to herself. “It would be nice to be able to sit for a spell.”

Count Dracula is on the prowl in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting womens' necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What’s going on here?

A few yards further on and … BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and …. crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He’s getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who are you?

She replies, “Buffet, the vampire slayer.”

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?

A dead ringer.

What do Italians eat on Halloween?

Fettucini Afraid-o.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

Mas-scare-a.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the Boos.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

There was once a chimpanzee who was injured and taken to a rehabilitation hospital. While at the hospital he learned to eat with a fork that he called his three point tool.

He was released back to the wild and continued to eat with his three point tool, when one day it was missing. He asked all of the animals where it could be and they said to ask the jaguar.

So, the chimp asked the jaguar and the jaguar said, "Of course, I've seen it -- I ate it!!"

The shocked chimpanzee asked why.

"Why?", said the cat, "it's because I'm a three point tool eater Jaguar."

Who was Wyatt Burp?

A sheriff with a repeater.

Where do elementary school teachers like to go sailing?

Out on the A B seas.

Why did the playground cross the road?

To get to the other slide.

The zoo keeper in charge of the sea mammals was trying to train an otter to walk backwards. He was not having any success. He asked a coworker to see if she could do any better.

Lo and behold, the otter was walking backwards.

He asked her, "How did you do that?"

"Simple," she said, "You put one foot in front of the otter."

What do you call the science of soda pop?

Fizz-ics.

How did Lucy get lucky?

She found a K...

Why was the girl named Sugar?

Because she was so refined.

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

What keeps jazz musicians on earth?

Groovity.

What international cricket team plays only half dressed?

The Vest Indies.

How do ducks decorate?

They wallpaper over the quacks.

The Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.

Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.

The message read, "You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"

Where do bears go on vacation?

Bear-muda.

Why did the cowboy buy the dachshund?

He wanted to get "along little dogie."

What do cannibals eat when they go out for breakfast?

Buttered host.

Back during the days of expansion to the west, people traveled by stagecoach. This was not a particularly comfortable way to go, with the bumpy paths and crowded seats. However, there wasn’t much choice.

Being in business to make money, the operators of these stagecoaches tried to think of various ways to increase revenue on each trip. People were willing to pay not only to ride out west, but they were willing to pay to ship things to friends and relatives who had already relocated. Of course, passengers were the most lucrative. So it follows that the more people you could transport on each trip, the more money the company made.

With that in mind, these companies began restricting passengers to being under a certain weight, in order to fit three people in a seat instead of only two. Not only was this extremely uncomfortable for the travelers, but it became obvious to those wishing to relocate that there would be no west for the reary.