A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $20.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

Early one morning, a farmer was milking his cow. He was starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly the bug flew into the cow's ear.

The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into the bucket. Then it dawned on him; it went in one ear and out the udder.

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

Be sure to lock your doors and windows at home! A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found him face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with cornflakes, milk, and sliced bananas.

The police suspect a cereal killer...

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!

"Impossible!!" said the groom broom. We haven't even swept together!"

A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

The banker fell overboard while taking a cruise on a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, and not knowing if the banker could swim, shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Of course!" the banker yelled back, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

Why did the cookie cry?

Because his mother was a wafer so long.

What is it called when you lend money to a bison?

A buffa-loan.

The fathers of two teenage boys were talking. "My son, Matt, used to be late to school every day," said Mr. Smith. "I bought him a used car and that solved the problem."

"How did buying him a car solve the problem?" asked Mr. Jones.

Said Mr. Smith, "Now he gets to school early so he can find a parking space."

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn't weigh much, and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked up and replied, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

Why did the two ghouls get married?

Because they loved each shudder.

If a red house is made of red bricks and a yellow house is made of yellow bricks, what is a green house made of?

Glass.

Why are burglars so relaxed?

They like to take things easy.

The police answered a call from the local convent about a strange object circling overhead. When the officer arrived, he asked the Mother Superior what kind of object it was. "I can't say", she replied, "but sister Elizabeth says she knows exactly what it was, do you want to speak with her?"

"That's ok", said the policeman, "I'll just put it down as a nun-identified flying object."

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted.

“So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is great but there's no atmosphere.

Why was Mrs. Rabbit so unhappy?

She had a bad hare day.

Customer: Waiter, this soup is too weak.

Waiter: But sir, it's our best duck soup.

Customer: Oh no it isn't! It's watered down!

What officer takes care of the Army's finances?

The business Major.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Two atoms are walking together down the street. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure? asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?

A Toy-yoda.

What is a synonym?

It's the word you use when you can't spell the other one.

Bonus Saturday Joke

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

What looks like an elephant and flies?

A flying elephant.

What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."