Once upon a time a young peasant boy was walking in the woods when he came upon a dead dragon. The young fellow knew the worth of this rare find, and saw it as his duty to report it to the King.

As evidence of his discovery, he cut off the dragon’s ear and stuffed it into his tunic.

He set off for the castle, and passing his house his mother saw him and called him over. Like all mothers she immediately sensed he was “up to something”, and demanded to know what it was. Like all sons caught in any act, he was forced to confess to his find. “Show me!” demanded his mother, to which the lad produced the still-bleeding ear.

Like all mothers she was disgusted by what her son was happily holding, and wanted to know what he intended to do with it. On hearing his plan she said, “Well, at least put it in a paper bag,” and gave him one.

The boy set off cheerfully towards the city. Passing through the next village his school teacher saw him and asked where he was going and what was in the paper bag, as school teachers do. Hearing his student’s intention, and being a true patriot, he declared the paper bag not worthy of the Monarch and repacked the now dried ear in a wooden box.

Feeling quite important, the peasant boy continued on his way to the capital city. He hadn’t walked ten leagues when he was accosted by the local Landlord on horseback who arrogantly challenged the boy’s right to be walking where he was and demanded to know why a poor serf was carrying a wooden box.

Thoroughly frightened, the lad showed him its contents and told him of his mission. The Landlord was a loyal subject of the King, and insisted the boy accompany him to his castle and have the artifact properly mounted for presentation.

As it was now late, the boy stayed the night in the guest room while the taxidermist plied his trade.

The next morning the lad was clothed by the Landlord in attire appropriate to one seeking an audience with the King. With the dragon part now beautifully mounted on a base and ensconced in a lacquered presentation case, the boy was safely seated in the Landlord’s coach and sent swiftly to the King’s castle, that none other subject of the King might interfere with this prized relic.

The King was greatly impressed to see the approach of one of his favorite Lord’s coaches and happily had the drawbridge lowered to permit its entry.

Amidst a fanfare of many trumpets the lowly lad stepped from the carriage and hesitantly walked towards the entry to The Great Hall.

Between serried rows of Courtiers he made his awed way to the foot of the King’s throne where he prostrated himself in the fervent hope that he wouldn’t be killed before he made his presentation.

The King accepted the beautifully crafted cask conveyed to him by the hands of his favorite Advisor.

A trusted Courtier regally opened the container and with an appropriate sweeping gesture placed it before His Majesty.

The King peered into the box and asked in perplexity “What’s this ‘ere?”

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds back to health.

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin, while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. “I can’t take it any more! We’ve got to get rid of all of these darn…”

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. “Please Dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren.”

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?

A sheep.

Mr. Green: "How's the carpet business?"

Mr. Brown: "Rugged."

This English landlady had a couple of struggling poets for tenants.

When the poor fellows got behind in their rent, the landlady was unable to have them evicted. Instead, she decided to murder them.

She baked a large scone and put some poison in it, then invited the poets down for tea. She served each of the chaps a cup of tea and half the scone. The poison worked as advertised, but of course crime does not pay, and the awful woman was soon arrested.

Feigning innocence, she demanded to know with what she was being charged.

The police inspector replied: "Well, it seems, madam, that you have killed two bards with one scone!"

What happens when a salesman marries a saleswoman?

They become sell mates.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Stopwatch.

Stopwatch who?

Stopwatch you're doing and open the door!

A college student walked into his ornithology class and found five birds with bags over their heads so only their feet showed.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's an exam," explained the professor. "Your job is to identify each bird by looking at its feet."

"What a stupid test!" complained the student.

"What's your name?" demanded the angered professor.

The student pulled up the legs of his pants and answered, "You tell me."

Scrooge was sitting in his office in the week before Christmas. He was counting his money, making sure he had made enough profit for the year.

Suddenly, he became aware of a noise. It was one of those irritating humming noises that once you've noticed it, you can't concentrate on anything else, so after some time trying to ignore it, he decided to investigate.

He looked all around, and finally managed to pin-point the sound coming from under his desk. Bending down to look under the desk, he was suprrised to see Jiminy Cricket, humming a tune.He crouched down, and said "Jiminy!" (for they already knew each other), "what are you doing?"

"I'm singing you a Christmas carol," Jiminy replied, "but I've forgotten the words, so I'm just humming it instead.""That's not all," says Scrooge, "You're only humming the first bar, over and over again."

"Well," says Jiminy, "I guess that makes me a bar hum bug."

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?

Your nose touches the ceiling.

A husband and wife went to see a marriage counselor.

"Here's the problem," the husband said. "We've been married ten years and for the last eight, we haven't been able to agree on anything."

The counselor looked at the wife. "Is that right?" he asked.

"Absolutely not, " she answered. "We haven't been able to agree on anything for the last nine years."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Cairo.

Cairo who?

Cairo the boat for a while?

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed.

When a man graduated from bus driver's school, his first assignment was the Sesame Street route.

At his first stop, he picked up a cow. When she got on the bus, she said, "Hello. My name is Patty."

He replied, "Hello, Patty. Since you are the first one on, you get your choice of seats."

She waddled on back and sat down. At the next stop he picked up another cow. As she got on, she said, "Hi there. My name is Patty."

He answered, "That's unusual. The other passenger is also named Patty. Why don't you go back and sit on the other side of the aisle and talk to her. Maybe you have more in common than just your name."

She went on back and sat opposite the other Patty and struck up a conversation. At the next stop, a little boy got on and said, "Hi! My name's Leonard Keyes. I've got some special socks, See?"

The driver replied, "Those sure are special, Leonard. Have a seat and we'll get to your stop real soon. As he was driving to the next stop, he looked in his mirror and saw that Leonard had taken his socks off and draped them over the seat in front of him, and was picking his feet.

He called back, "Leonard! What are you doing?"

Leonard called back, "I've got bunions, and they're bothering me."

At the next corner, the driver stopped the bus, got off, went to a pay phone, and called the bus garage. "I quit!" he said.

The garage dispatcher asked why.

He replied, "It's my first day on the job, and already I have 2 all beef Pattys, special socks, Leonard Keyes, picking bunions on the Sesame Street Run!"

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young fairy princess who dreamed of being a ballet dancer. Then one day, she read an ad in her email that announced the Royal Ballet's next auditions in a nearby town.

So on the right day, the fairy princess geared up one hundred white pigeons to her chariot, and off they flew to the theater.

After witnessing her outrageous entrance, the director immediately told her to go back home.

"But why?" wept the broken-hearted shell of the would-be-ballerina.

"Because," came the heartless reply, "I've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already."

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

In the days of old, when Genghis Khan's men were running over Asia, they set their sights on further shores. Rather than 'Huns', these warriors were known as Khan's men, or simply, Khans. When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge, they built boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea. By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn't much left of them. Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried.

Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue, and the locals never did get their hands on the treasure.

And that's how the story of the little people got started in Ireland - the leper Khan's and their pots of gold.

Cunning though diseased, the Khans were never fooled by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty pot - thus the saying: "You cannot change a leper's pots".

It turns out that the "Old King Cole" of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire kingdom's crop of cabbage be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole's Law.

It's well known that some species of fish on the coral reef have adapted to be able to survive the poisonous sea anemone's sting, which gives them a safe place to hide from predators.

What isn't so well known is the story of the single fish that decided to be different. One day he swam away from his protective anemone, in search of some other hiding place.

A first, he swam into a small crevice in the rock, but he very quickly swam out of there, chased by an eel. Then he decided he could hide inside a shell, so he found a nice big one that he liked, but had to retreat from the crab that had got there before him.

Finally, exhausted, he swam into the coral beds, and hid among the brilliant colored fern-like fronds of the corals.

The next day, when he hadn't come back to the anemone, some of the other fish decided to go out and look for him. They hunted everywhere for him, but they couldn't find him. Eventually, just as they had given up, they heard him calling to them. They looked around, but they couldn't see him anywhere - he was perfectly hidden by the fronds of the coral.

Finally, he showed himself, and they tried to persuade him to come back home, but he refused - the coral was too good a hiding place to leave.

"After all," he said, "with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

Recently, the Minnesota Orchestra was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.....

Now at this point, you must understand two things: Firstly, there's a quite long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. Secondly, there is a night club right across the street from the Minnesota's Orchestra Hall, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and drink a few brews.

After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now.

However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

What's long, yellow and fruity?

An apple in disguise.

Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top?

He was loitering within tent.

A man walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, I think that I am God."
"How did that start?" asked the doctor.
"Well, first I created the sun, then the earth..."

How do you organize a spacey party?

You planet.

Bonus Thursday Joke

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?

A bad hare day.