This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "He's hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain"s parrot. One day the ship ran into trouble, and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After 3 days the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators, Pastors, and Wall Street wizards.

Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.

When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock."

Bonus Thursday Joke

One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

How do you make a skunk stop smelling?

Pinch it's nose closed.

What did one potato chip say to the other?

"Shall we go for a dip?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

Where is the ocean the deepest?

On the bottom.

How can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?

Sleep at night.

Did you hear about the idiot who sat up all night wondering where the sun had gone?

The next morning it dawned on him.

What do porcupines say after they kiss?

"Ouch!"

Why did a piece of bubble gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich.

"What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the bartender.

"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs..."

How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue.

If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?

Nine.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

When do monkeys fall from the sky?

During Ape-ril showers!

What's a pig's favorite ballet?

Swine Lake.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

The raisin wined about how he couldn't achieve grapeness.

Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snow bank.

What do you call 10 rabbits hopping backwards together?

A receding hare line.

What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?

"Baked Here."

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Blue!
Blue who?
Blue my nose - the cold is making it run!

A red ship and a blue ship collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

What do you call a zipper on a banana?

A fruit fly.

Why do flamingos lift one leg when they sleep?

If they lifted both legs, they'd fall.

What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?

You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...

Some people don't like food going to waist...

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

Anything you want - he can't hear you.