Lost

I got lost while hiking once. After several nervous hours trying to retrace my steps and establish where I was, eventually a park ranger found me. I told him I'd been following my compass, but I'd still got lost. When I showed him my compass, he saw it was made by Tait & Co. He told me they were a notoriously unreliable brand. "He who has a Tait's is lost!" #lamejoke

Singing

A woman who won't stop singing Christmas songs? Carolyn. #lamejoke 

Ants

Two ants tried to make a seesaw using a toothpick and half a crumb, but it didn't work. They needed a full crumb. #lamejoke 

Soup

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!" #lamejoke

Hill

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music! #lamejoke

Mermaids

Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth. They usually have a sea section. #lamejoke 

Business

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of "dye a rhea". #lamejoke

Fireworks

Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai." #lamejoke

Subtract

If you subtract 2 from 4, what’s left? The opposite of right. #lamejoke

Football

Way back when we first met, I took my wife to her first football game. Afterward, I asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big hard muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." I asked her: "What do you mean?" "Well, they flip a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like hello? It's only 25 cents!" #lamejoke 

Sheep

I hired a female sheep to distribute advertisements for my flower arranging business, because only ewe can prevent florist flyers. #lamejoke

Stocks

I started investing in stocks. Beef, chicken, and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire. #lamejoke

Shovel

Joey’s wife told him that it was his turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All she got were icy stares. #lamejoke

Pirate

A pirate captain, his first mate, and their crew of seven scallywags had sailed the seven seas for years. They suffered from scurvy, gnarly skin conditions, and dehydration, but tests showed they never developed any malignant tumors. Why were they always cancer-free? Because there be nine. #lamejoke 

Clocks

Typically there are no clocks in libraries because they tock too much. #lamejoke

Damp

Joey’s in the process of learning all the synonyms for damp. He’s already moist of the way there. #lamejoke

Chase

!News Flash! A man in boxer shorts was arrested for leading police on a brief chase. #lamejoke

Horse

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Hey - I see you in here a lot. Are you an alcoholic or something?” The horse says, “I don’t think I am,” and then, poof - he vanishes like he never existed. 

Now this is a play on words about René Descartes’ famous philosophy of “I think, therefore I am.” But explaining that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse. #lamejoke

Rodents

I just checked out that social media site for rodents… you know, Mice Space. #lamejoke 

Cell

What the cell said after his sister stepped on his toe? It’s mitosis. #lamejoke

Soup

I tried painting Andy Warhol’s Campbell Soup, but I’m not that good, so it looked nothing like it. The resemblance was uncanny. #lamejoke

Hairstyles

Joey asked me to read a book about 80s hairstyles. I told him that I’d mullet over. #lamejoke

Book

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city. It’s a Rome ants novel. #lamejoke

Tony

Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. I asked, ”Y not?” #lamejoke 

Artist

This guy was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist. His fees were very reasonable and the locals kept him busy. One day a stretch limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car and told him, “I will gladly pay you $10,000 if you'll paint me in the nude. He had never been given such a proposal for his work. "One moment,” says he. “I will have to talk this over with my wife." Inside the house, the painter and his wife talked it over and decided it would be OK. The painter returned and said, " I will paint you in the nude but I have to leave my socks on so I have someplace to wipe my brushes." #lamejoke

Tastes

What you call a tea that tastes sometimes like tea and sometimes like coffee? Uncertainty. #lamejoke 

Corridor

There isn't a lot of money in the corridor industry, but I’m in it for the long haul. #lamejoke

Zamboni

Looks like the Zamboni driver’s gone missing, but I'm sure he'll resurface soon. #lamejoke

Sausage

This guy fell into a meat grinder. Turned him into a sausage. That's a dumb way to die, to be frank. #lamejoke

Shopping

Out shopping with my wife and I say, “Hey babe, do you like this çäřpẽť?” She goes, “What?” I say, “…This çäřpẽť…do you like it?” She squints her eyes at me and says, “Why are you saying it like that?” I’m like, “Fine… Do you like this accent rug?” #lamejoke 

Binoculars

The name of a man with a nice set of binoculars? Seymour. #lamejoke 

Vehicle

The type of vehicle witches like to drive? A stick. #lamejoke

Horses

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live next to a couple of horses, but like it or not, they’re my new neighbors. #lamejoke 

Mobius

A Mobius strip walks into a bar. Seeing it sobbing, the bartender asks what's wrong. The Mobius strip replies, "Where do I even begin?" #lamejoke 

Insect

I remember going yo the circus as a child and watching a tiny insect play the triangle, but it’s nothing more than a flea ting memory now. #lamejoke 

Glasses

My earliest memory is going to the eye doctor to get my first pair of glasses. Everything before that was a blur. #lamejoke

Meringue

An Australian ghost’s favorite kind of meringue? Boo! #lamejoke

Goat

Joey goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Hey doc I have a problem. I keep thinking I'm a goat." The shrink says, "Okay, how long have you had this problem?" Joey says, "Since I was a kid." #lamejoke

Inertia

There's a new theory of inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum. #lamejoke

Jokes

I like telling dad jokes. But, then again, I’m a groan man. #lamejoke

Cheetah

Just bred a cheetah with a crab. Things went sideways really fast. #lamejoke 

Proctologist

Joey was surprised when his proctologist ordered a follow-up test. Turns out it was a poop quiz. #lamejoke 

Girlfriend

Joey’s cannibal girlfriend finally convinced him to sleep over. Promised to make him breakfast in the morning. #lamejoke

Dracula

Dracula decided to ditch the cape. Wanted to revamp his wardrobe. #lamejoke

Magician

I went to back out of my driveway but in my rear view mirror I saw a magician blocking my path. Got out of the car to get him to move, and he wasn't there. Must have been an Obstacle Illusion. #lamejoke 

Carts

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting shopping carts. He must have been pushing 70. #lamejoke

Favorite

I asked Joey to choose which body part is his favorite. He just stood there and picked his nose. #lamejoke

Electric

There’s a country in Africa that only allows electric automobiles. For some reason they’re really mad at gas cars. #lamejoke 

Hecklers

Hecklers Anonymous dinner tonight at 7pm. Bring your own boos! #lamejoke

Terminator

Where you find the toys for the Terminator movies in the toy store? Aisle B, back. #lamejoke

Throat

Why Joey is seen as work-shy? Because when he has a tickly throat, he has a week off. #lamejoke

Scrabble

While I was out walking, I saw a guy carrying a Scrabble board. He tripped and tiles went everywhere. I couldn’t help myself. Asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” #lamejoke

Married

Joey’s girlfriend says that if they don't get married she will kill him. I guess it’s a matter of wife or death. #lamejoke 

News

Breaking News: Small-town doctor fractures leg while auditioning for local play. (Despite his injuries, he made the cast.) #lamejoke 

Wolf

I told the nurse I was bitten by a wolf. “Where?” she asked. “No, regular.” #lamejoke 

Job

I lost my job as a spell checker. They fired me for no rasin. #lamejoke

Lifeboat

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter. #lamejoke

Cow

Does a cow ballerina wear a muumuu? #lamejoke 

Ballerina

Does a skinny ballerina wear a one one? #lamejoke

Wisdom

They say that with age comes wisdom. I don't have wrinkles, i have wise cracks. #lamejoke

Son

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born, but he is without torso, arms or legs. Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father gives thanks to God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." #lamejoke

Peas

I think Joey is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, English peas, and crowder peas. Then he just sits there and looks at them. When I asked him why, he said he was just minding his peas in queues. #lamejoke 

Meters

I'm thinking that the reason Americans don’t use meters is because we have a foot fetish. #lamejoke

Party

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header. #lamejoke

Girlfriend

Joey just told me that his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall. I said I'd like to meter. #lamejoke

Hacking

Big problem. All the banks' computers crashed as a result of hacking by unknown computer vandals. Enormous amounts of data, accounts, amounts, names, addresses were lost and everything was rendered useless. The various governments, local, state and federal were all called into the investigation to find the perpetrators of the evil deed.

Months went by and no trace of the culprits could be found, Searches of records, records of all internet activity for the past three years were painstakingly examined, the subject of 'hacking' on the internet was microscopically searched for traces of the same kind of processes that caused the monstrous loss, both financial and economical. Finally, after dismantling and piecemeal examination of the dryer lint in the garbage cans of half the population of Los Angeles, a clue was found.

A single minuscule bit of paper, with the ink 99 percent washed away, lead investigators to a small apartment in the town of East Ennui, Idaho. The local records showed the apartment to be occupied by two brothers, Frank and Earnest Lesser. Indeed, these were the culprits. The authorities subjected the brothers to intensive interrogation, over periods of many hours. The brothers finally broke down and admitted the deed. But they each had one item of information that could solve their personal problem. It seems that they had developed another software program to restore everything as it was, with no loss of information whatsoever. As a matter of fact, each of the brothers had developed the same type of program, accomplishing the desired result in a different fashion.

The authorities were in a quandary. If they prosecuted the brothers, the information would never be recovered, if they didn't, they would have gotten away with a monstrous crime. The authorities did indeed make their decision, but it was very difficult.

No one should have to choose between the evil of two Lessers. #lamejoke

Bread

Two slices of bread went on a date. It was loaf at first sight. #lamejoke 

Vehicle

What a person without a vehicle says in the winter? "Ooh...brrr…" #lamejoke

Dali

It is a little known fact that a pharmacist was responsible for saving the career of that creator of really weird, surrealist paintings, Salvador Dali. It seems that the artist accidentally poured boiling water on his drawing hand and immediately sought help at the local pharmacy.

He asked the pharmacist, "What is the name of that medicinal plant that is good to treat burns?" 

The pharmacist replied, "Aloe, Dali." #lamejoke

Auction

I went to an antique auction yesterday. Three people bid on me. #lamejoke

Shortage

This is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe.

**Voice from the back** "How severe was it?"

It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?

"We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine." #lamejoke 

Difference

The difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter f maybe? #lamejoke

Frogs

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tim looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tim brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim.

"Yes," said Tim. "They need mono-sodium glue to mate!" #lamejoke

Dictionary

Do dictionary salesmen take a vow of sell-ABC? 

Upset

A wife, upset that her husband was late again, wrote a dramatic note. "I’ve had enough. I’m leaving you. Don’t try to find me."

She hid under the bed, waiting to see his reaction.

The husband walks in, finds the note, and after a pause… he scribbles something down, then calls someone: "She’s finally gone… yeah, I know, about damn time. I’m coming over. Wear that French nightie, I love you. Can’t wait to do all the naughty things you like.”

He hangs up, grabs his keys, and leaves.

The wife, shaking with rage and tears, crawls out from under the bed to read what he wrote.

It said: "I can see your feet. Also, we’re out of bread back in 5.” #lamejoke

Yerm

Once upon a time, about 4000 years ago, a great army of Kurds (from Kurdistan in Iraq) swept across the Middle East, conquering vast areas of land. They pushed westward until they reached what is the present state of Israel. There, they met staunch resistance from a small tribe of mountain dwellers called the Yerms. The Yerms were wonderful archers. They would simply wait in the hills until the Kurds passed through the valleys below, then they would shower the Kurdish soldiers with hundreds of arrows. For defense, the Yerms built a series of underground tunnels in which they could seek refuge whenever they were threatened.

After a long struggle, the Yerms were finally defeated, and the Kurds conquered the land. There was one Yerm, however, who had not given up. He decided to exact revenge. The Kurdish King had set up his capitol in Jerusalem, a city dominated by hills on the East. Through these hills there was only one narrow pass providing easy passage to Kurdistan. The last remaining Yerm guarded the pass and shot everyone who tried to get through. When the Kurdish soldiers came after him, he simply scuttled into one of the tunnels the Yerms had dug and escaped.

This distressed the King of the Kurds. Because of one lowly Yerm, no important messages or emissaries could pass through from his kingdoms in the East. The King had his military leaders identify the scrawniest, fastest soldier in the army. He called the man to his throne room one day and told him to go into the hills alone at night, sneak into the Yerm's tunnels and capture that one last remaining Yerm. The soldier went out that very night, but never returned.

The King then identified and commissioned his second scrawniest soldier to attempt the same thing. That second scrawny soldier was never seen again. For weeks, the King kept sending out his dwindling supply of scrawny soldiers but none ever returned.

The King had become terribly discouraged when, one day, a big, burly soldier appeared before him and claimed he could capture the Yerm. The King doubted the wisdom of the move, but in his desperation he directed the big Kurd to find and capture the wily Yerm.

The next morning, bright and early, the King was awakened by the return of the soldier who marched into the palace with the Yerm slung over his shoulder. The delighted King promptly promoted the Kurd to captain of the guard, and, as was Kurdish custom, made the Yerm his personal man-servant.

As the new captain turned to leave, the King stopped him and asked, "Captain, how did you capture the Yerm?"

The big, burly soldier responded, "Sire, everyone knows that the burly Kurd catches the Yerm!" #lamejoke 

Sidewalk

A very strange thing happened here a few days ago...

This past weekend, I noticed a neighbor of mine repairing his sidewalk. He had removed a number of broken sections (thanks to numerous trees in his yard). He had rented a cement mixer (portable - not a truck). He was laying new forms for the cement. He was almost ready to pour the cement which would form a new, flat sidewalk that would no longer be a safety hazard to folks walking to his front door.

This particular neighbor is in his 60s. He and his wife never had children of their own, but both have always been exceptionally nice to the neighborhood children.

On Halloween, they host a "haunted house". At Christmas, they always have gifts for all the children who live nearby. At Easter time, they host an Easter egg hunt in their yard. One would have to look far and wide to find a couple of people who care more for children than they do.

It is because of this that I was so shocked this past weekend...

Seeing as how this gentleman has helped me do so many chores around my house in the past few years, I offered my assistance to him in his task.

We finished preparing the site for his new sidewalk. Then we mixed the cement. Then, we began pouring the new cement walkway leading to his front door. After laboring for a number of hours, we finished. To those of you who have never poured cement, it is back-breaking work. A portion of cement the size of a medium bag of dog food weight more than 100 pounds!

We were both exhausted. We each opened a beer and sat down to admire our work. Just then, two neighbor children came riding down the street on their bicycles. Seeing the fresh cement walkway, they cut across his lawn, and rode the bikes right across the fresh (still wet) cement, leaving bike tire tracks across the fruit of our labors...

My neighbor, totally out of character, immediately started screaming obscenities at the children. I had never heard him use such language! Especially directed at kids! His tirade lasted a few minutes. He was angrier than I had ever seen him!

When he finally cooled down, I asked him, "Ah, John. I am surprised. I thought that you loved all the children around here."

He looked over at me and responded, "In the abstract, yes. But, not in the concrete!" #lamejoke 

Juggling

Just thinking about juggling makes me want to throw up. #lamejoke

Entertainment

Exercise and entertainment. Entertainment and exercise. We need both, but usually these things are mutually incompatible. Exercising is not fun and entertainment turns me even more into a couch potato.

This problem is not restricted to my own experience, however. Other people have dealt with the problem and the solution varies from one person to another. For example, some close friends were involved in Korean marital (no, no, martial -- typing is so *critical*) arts -- something they did strictly for the entertainment. And for exercise, they took up old-fashioned square dancing, an alemanding activity that can run one to exhaustion over an evening's time.

As might be expected, the time constraints on their lives did not allow these friends to pursue their favorite exercise and entertainments to the fullest extent possible -- until I stepped in, that is. The solution, of course was to combine their love of Korean martial arts and square dancing into one unified activity, the Tae Kwan Do-si-do. #lamejoke

Funeral

When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, "We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake."

"Not on your life," announced his widow, "Squaw bury Shortcake!" #lamejoke

Creature

A creature rose up out of the surf and came sloshing ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "and I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!! What we have here is a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch. #lamejoke

Confused

Then there was the one about the confused young man who couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. I guess you can't have your Kate and Edith, too. #lamejoke 

Coin

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call "Teds, or Hales!!!" #lamejoke 

Pea

A word for when a pea rolls off your dinner plate and onto the floor? It’s called an escapea. #lamejoke

Camp

At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It was so close to the beach that the dolphins could be seen swimming in to shore at dinnertime. The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling, "It's chow time for all in tents and porpoises!" #lamejoke

Ear

When my ear got torn off, a brilliant friend of mine made me a machine-powered replacement. Now, I can hear much better than ever before! It’s amazing what engine ears can do. #lamejoke 

Juice

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says, "No."

The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers." #lamejoke 

Corn

I looked out at the field of corn and noticed one of them growing a horn. It's a uniquecorn. #lamejoke 

Rabbit

Once upon a time there was a very naughty little rabbit who liked to tie squirrels' tails in knots. The squirrels were, naturally, very upset by this and appealed to the Spirit of the Woods. She appeared before the little rabbit and said "You are a very bad little rabbit and if you tie just one more squirrel's tail I will change you into a goon!"

The rabbit promised he would be good, for he surely did not want to be a goon but, before long, he yielded to temptation and tied another squirrel's tail into a knot.

The Spirit re-appeared instantly and with a puff of smoke - she changed the little rabbit into a goon.

The moral of the story, of course, is "Hare today..." #lamejoke

Trees

“One little two little three little oak trees, four little five little six little oak trees…” Don't mind me, I’m just singing some count tree music. #lamejoke 

Prints

This is the story of a fellow that spent the early part of his life working in a photo-development studio. It was a small studio, but he worked hard and developed a large clientele of people who took their film to him to be developed. His control of the chemistry and technology of photography was excellent. In fact, he was given the nickname "Prints" by his grateful customers.

You must, of course, resist the temptation to become suspicious too soon. This is not the story of Snow White waiting endlessly at the Photomat and singing, "Someday, my prints will come." That particular story is much too old for this venue.

Back to our protagonist. He would have continued until retirement as a photo technician, but as so often happens as we grow older, he became victim to certain digestive indiscretions. His increasing inability to digest many common dietary constituents led to that particularly odious problem, flatulence. Now, this is a problem that is well-known to most of us as we get older (and is something to which the younger members of the audience can look forward), but Prints found that the volume of gas he produced was excessive, even gigantic. In fact, it started to have negative consequences in his work and he was driven to see a physician.

Again, you must resist the temptation to jump the gun on this tale. The gases did not make the sound "Honda" and the doctor did not tell him he had an abscess. Thus, this is not the particular story where abscess makes the fart go "Honda"; that also is just too old for this audience.

The propensity to generate unacceptable volumes of gas became worse for our protagonist. Sometimes, however, there is a silver lining hidden within the blanket of adversity, and this was the case in this story. Prints discovered a new talent, one that he would not have known about, except for his affliction. He discovered that he could control the sounds that were made during gas release. After much practice, he could generate musical notes and other sound effects. The overture to a John Phillips Souza march, speeches by the Speaker of the House, the crack of nearby lightning, the long-rolling rumble of distant thunder, the roar of a 727 in full throttle, the mewling of a den of hungry kittens -- all of these and more became part of his repertoire. The audience for such performance art is small, but very enthusiastic. He was forced to give up his photography, and take to the stage in his new showbiz career.

Now, now, is the time to become suspicious. It is likely you may have even recognized the person this story is about -- the fartist formerly known as Prints. #lamejoke

Magician

My magician friend flew in from Helsinki yesterday. He just appeared out of Finnair. #lamejoke

Clone

A very notable scientist invented the first machine that could successfully clone a human being. He decided to test it out on himself, and lo and behold, an exact replica of him appeared at the other end. The scientist was very excited that his machine worked, but when he talked to his duplicate, his clone cursed at him and spit in his face. The scientist was shocked. He tried to treat the clone nice, but everywhere he went the clone would shoot off his filthy mouth. 

The scientist came to the conclusion that his machine actually was a failure, but he had to rid the world of his evil clone. He took his clone to a cliff and pushed him off. The scientist was later arrested and given a trial for murder. Defense maintained that the scientist technically didn't do anything wrong, and that he was not guilty of murder, because the clone was an aberration. The scientist was found not guilty of murder, but was sentenced to five years in prison, nonetheless. 

In the judge's words, the scientist was guilty of "making an obscene clone fall." #lamejoke

Underwear

I told my wife, "Your underwear is way too tight." She said, "Then wear your own." #lamejoke 

Salmon

In ancient times, workers in a popular deli were told that they could eat anything they wanted during lunch hour -- anything, that is, except the very expensive smoked salmon. Thus, were created the world's first anti-lox breaks. #lamejoke 

Hides

Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources have softer hides, rated A. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates like here in Arizona are D hide rated. #lamejoke

Nate

A prospector was combing the hills for gold. Determined to make his fortune, he spent many a day following the trails up and down the mountain side. One such day, he was walking wearily up the side of the hill. He heard a voice call out, "Hello, Hello." He turned to his mule and asked, "Bessie, did you say something?" Bessie didn't answer and he turned to go on. "Hello, hello, up there."

he prospector looked around again. He saw a snake on the ground, "Was that you talking to me?"

"Yes, Nate the Snake, glad to meet you."

Now, the prospector was no fool and soon had a plan in mind. He talked it over with Nate, who agreed to the plan.

The prospector built a roadside stand to house Nate and advertised him as the world's only talking snake. People came from all over to talk to Nate the Snake. They made millions and Nate's abode grew.

Now, the government as governments will, needed to build a lever to end the world. And they decided to build the lever right across the street from Nate's abode. People came from all over, first to see Nate and then to see the lever that would end the world. People would see Nate and talk with him about this lever. One night Nate decided he needed to go see this lever for himself. He got down off the pedestal and slithered out the door. A driver was coming down the road. He was driving too fast. He saw Nate. He turned. He saw the lever. He turned back. He saw Nate. He swerved. He saw the lever, he swerved. He ran over Nate. Nate was dead. People were upset. Geraldo broadcasted. People were angry. The driver was brought before the judge.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" asked the judge.

"I'm so sorry. I saw Nate. I saw the lever. I had to make a decision. I thought to myself... it was better Nate than lever." #lamejoke 

Colonoscopy

You know, having a colonoscopy wasn’t the worst medical procedure I’ve ever endured, but it was definitely up there. #lamejoke

Frog

This guy is having a bad day. He's in trouble at work and with his wife, so he decides to go to the pub and have a pint. As he's sitting there drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight. Man thinks, "that's odd" finishes his pint and leaves.

Next day he's on his final warning at work and his missus spent an hour screaming at him so he goes to the pub and has two pints. And as he's drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight. Man thinks, "very odd" finishes his drinks and goes home.

Next day he's been fired from his job and the missus has taken the kids to go stay at her mother's so the man goes to the pub and has three pints. And as he's drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling but today stops at the skylight and goes, across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door. And the man goes, "right I've gotta find out what this is all about."

So he goes up the bar tender and goes "excuse me mate, I came in here the other day and as I'm drinking I see this frog and it goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

"Then yesterday I'm in here drinking and I see this frog and it goes across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

" But today as I'm drinking I see this frog and it goes across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling but this time it stops at the skylight then goes across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door."

And the bartender looks at him and says, "so you're telling me you came in the other day and as you were drinking you see a frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall and out the skylight."

"Then yesterday as you're drinking you see the frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

"But today you come in for drinks and as you're drinking you see the frog and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, stops at the skylight then goes, across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door."

First man says "yes, exactly "

And the bartender replies, "oh simple. I shut the skylight today" #lamejoke

Underwear

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer… Plus it’s REALLY fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to. #lamejoke 

Uncle

My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets. We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.

One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone. Practically in tears, he called me on the phone. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind!" #lamejoke

Daiquiri

A physician made it his regular habit to stop off at a local bar for a hazelnut daiquiri before going home. The bartender knew this, and would always have the drink waiting for him by 5:00 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnuts. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with substitute nuts, and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his usual time, took one sip of the drink, and said, "Why, this isn't my usual daiquiri!"

"No," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc." #lamejoke

Mechanic

Then there was the one about the mechanic who didn't wash before going to bed. He woke up oily in the morning. #lamejoke 

Defibrillators

Defibrillators repulse me. #lamejoke

Flatbread

A good tv show to watch while eating Indian flatbread? Naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan Batman! #lamejoke

Knights

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

"Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time." (Kings speak in that phony kind of prose so you'll have to excuse him) "We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope."

"Fear not, my King" said Merlin. "I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!"

"Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you've lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character... It cannot be done" said Arthur.

"Trust me, my King" said Merlin. "I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant."

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger -- their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit. #lamejoke

Horn

What the Boy Scout said after he fixed the car horn? “Beep repaired.” #lamejoke

Creeks

When we lived in New Hampshire, the little creeks rolled down the mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife spent much of the year working on the borders of these streams, keeping them clear and clean. If there is anything she likes, it's weeding a good brook. #lamejoke

Earthquake

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer, noticing this, went out and asked the bull "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd?"

The bull replied "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down." #lamejoke

Ledge

We have a 10 inch ledge which runs all the way around the fifth floor of  the building. Those little, furry animals with bushy tails have taken to running around on the ledge seeking the frequent handouts that certain residents give them. Outside my office, however, they prefer to sit quietly and listen to my jokes. This goes to show, of course, that squirrels just wanna have pun. #lamejoke

Suggestion

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three-weeks holiday each year?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here -- you shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it..." #lamejoke 

Aging

I'm not aging like fine wine, I'm aging like milk. Growing more sour and chunky by the day. #lamejoke 

Photograph

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk because the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains, et al. The journalist told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines, and he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the point of this story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. #lamejoke

Dog

Scientists have successfully created a green-striped dog by splicing its genes with a watermelon. When asked why it looked depressed, they explained that its a melancholy. #lamejoke

Honorus

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.

London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and its blood was the Thames River. Without the river commerce would grind to a halt as the people of London discovered to their horror in 1216.

The first boats seemed simply to have disappeared, but the monster wasted little time in this caution. Soon, many Londoners had seen the gaping maw licked by flames dragging a hapless crew to its death. It was a fire salamander, and in the Autumn of 1216 it was estimated to be 40 feet long with jaws that gaped 10 feet wide.

By the spring of 1217, the monster was no longer a nuisance, it was a deadly plague. No boat could navigate the Thames... no raft was small enough, no ship was large enough to resist the demon of the Thames. Worse, the beast was growing! The latest reports called it 70 feet long with jaws opening 15 feet. Our instinct is to discount this absurd growth, and yet few could impeach its source.

He, our source, enters the story in August of 1217. London had begged, prayed, blasphemed, and killed in desperate attempts to exorcise or appease their curse; to no avail.

On June 14, four men painted themselves with the Devil's Cross and proclaimed themselves the Dark Priests of the Beast. They built a ship and doused it in oil; then, they sailed it down the river. Dark Priests they may have been, but they died screaming like any other man.

On July 28, London sent three virgins (the youngest not yet 13) down the Thames to the monster. It was thought that this would appease the evil god: the monster's hunger exceeded even this atrocity.

On August 23, our source received his summons. His given name is lost in his chosen name: Honorus. He was a Templar Knight and possibly a saint. That morning, he was commanded to destroy the beast.

London in fear and desperation had turned to their most jealous weapon, the Templars... warrior monks who fought with the fierce, perhaps fanatic, frenzy of the devout. The city had exhausted all other options; the monks were its last hope, and Honorus was the greatest of the Knights.

The battle was truly a footnote to his preparation... Honorus ventured into the woods upstream from London. He forsook shelter, clothing, food, and sleep for four days, meditating on the coming struggle. When the four days ended, he stalked and killed a stag without weapon or aid. With the skin of the stag he made clothing; from its flesh he regained his strength; and with its entrails, he lashed five logs into a raft fit for his purpose.

Honorus set the raft in motion. He had outfitted himself with the only item he would use in this fight that had not come out of the forest with him. A sword of Spanish steel, blue with the sky, lay in his lap.

Soon, he felt the swell of the water disturb his raft: the monster was coming, yet he sat unmoving.

The beast broke the surface.

No human is perfect; a splinter of the collapsing raft clipped Honorus' left foot as he leapt into the water. He had timed his jump slightly too late, but no matter, the injury will not be important until after the battle.

The monster was above the water only momentarily; time enough for Honorus to drive his sword between two of its scales. The monster thrashed in pain, turning its exposed flesh from the steaming water.

Honorus was lifted from the water as the beast rolled. He gauged his stroke and leapt, striking the monster's eye.

Angered and half-blinded, the beast threw Honorus into the river and grasped him in its immense jaws.

Honorus swam quickly past the teeth into the monster's mouth. Inside, the questing tongue scalded his feet as he searched for purchase again, and we shall ignore this injury for now.

Once he had braced himself inside the beast's mouth, pushing with all his strength against the slowly rising tongue, he took aim. Honorus had time to make only one thrust.

When his journal recalls these events, it attributes Honorus' "luck" in this battle to aid from the Divine. We do not wish to detract from the glory of God, but surely He will not envy His servant.

Is it coincidence that Honorus' blade struck true to the brain? Honorus had already studied carefully the anatomy of the salamander a week before he was summoned to fight the beast. Did Honorus not know that the water's rush against the beast's exposed flank would cause it such pain?

In his journal, "August 24: And once I am atop the beast and it has rolled from the water, where then to strike?"

Two weeks after Honorus was told to lift the curse of London, the beast was dead. The next day London celebrated Honorus; the town would live because of him. Three days later, gratitude had disappeared.

The body of the beast had lodged itself firmly in the mire less than half a mile downstream of London. Although it was yet intact (perhaps due to its incredible armor), it would surely soon rot.

While not so great a terror, the rotting beast would be almost as dangerous as the live beast, attracting disease and scavengers. No ship could move the carcass. The people of London called upon Honorus.

Honorus' solution was difficult but practical, and he began as soon as he had retrieved his sword. He fasted for two days; then, he ate the cooked meat of the huge salamander and fasted for a third day.

When he suffered no ill effects, Honorus began dissecting the beast. With the help of London, Honorus soon had all the usable meat and intestines of the dead beast transformed into sausage.

A bizarre solution it was, but a good one. The sausage was soon discovered to be excellent and to keep easily for very long periods of time. Even more important, the sausage fast became incredibly popular throughout England and much of Europe. It began to reestablish the fame of London's trade after the Hiatus of the Beast.

Still, Honorus has one final contribution to this history... It became vital that everyone knew from whence the incredible sausage of London came, and thus we return to Honorus' injuries.

After the battle with the live beast and the crisis of the dead beast, Honorus took time to recover . Six weeks after he was first summoned, he was dressing the injuries on his feet. The problems of London were known to him. As he dipped a strip of paper like gauze into a healing salve, he had a thought.

One week later, each sausage shipped from London carried a fascinating new development: a label. Just as the gauze dried and closed on Honorus' foot, the parchment around these sausages was attached; and all would know the fame of London from each link she sold.

In the end, despite all his other feats, it was this idea, the product label that survived Honorus. In tribute to this advance, the British Museum houses the only known surviving label from Honorus' sausages.

And although even the tough gut of the Beast has long since faded to dust, the label may still be read. If our reader could go to the Museum and enter the Medieval wing's most treasured collection, she could still read, in faint letters, the Label of Honor: ..." It Was The Beast Of Thames, It Was The Wurst Of Thames." #lamejoke 

Sorry

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing. But not at a funeral. #lamejoke 

Fleas

How fleas travel in the summer? They itch hike. #lamejoke

Collector

I'm a collector. I keep Mickey Mantle's baseball cap and my 20th century historical figure statues in my office. My dog snuck in there and made a huge ruckus. I opened the door and screamed, “My hat! My Gandhi!" #lamejoke

Seamstress

One day at a seamstress club, the head lady called all the members together and announced a contest. Everyone was to create a needle-and-thread artwork based upon one word of their choice. Everyone got busy very quickly in designed patterns and racing to be the first one to produce an entry for the contest.

The most humble of the ladies was Anne. She was not particularly skilled with her needles just yet, but what she did have was artistic vision. While other ladies finished quicker than she did, still Anne kept going, taking careful attention to detail in her work with an eye for perfection.

Finally, the ladies were to all present their creations to be judged. The others showed off colorful tapestries, sweaters, crochet squares, and other creations. A baby blue sweater with white poofs inspired by the clouds. Tapestries that told a story for the concept of "Time." Crochet squares with delicate needle work, inspired by the word "perfection," and many more. Each of these ladies, of course, was very confident in their ability to win over the judges and claim the top prize.

Last to go was Anne, who finally stood proudly in front of the crowd and displayed what she had spent so much time on:

Everyone was shocked to see a garbled mess of yarn, with simply no rhyme or reason for their apparent threads. She was quite proud of herself, and once the judges saw her keyword, they awarded her the top prize immediately. The others were furious! The crowd erupted in a cacophony, and the women began to riot!

And "Chaos," Anne sewed. #lamejoke  

Benny

Benny worked at the Fahrvergnugen Museum, and his job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

"Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave again for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to live inside the urn forever." Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account, which was promptly granted. Later he wished for the woman of his dreams, and he was married to her. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, which came to him, and he was regarded as a worldwide celebrity.

In the meantime, Benny's beard became longer and longer, and it started to itch. He tried to ignore it, but with every passing year the itch got worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard once and for all. Having shaved it off, he lost everything he wished for, and instantly he was, himself, trapped in the urn to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned. #lamejoke 

Alexander

When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire known world of his time, it chanced that he received a slight spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle. After victory was his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial and you could tell the correct time!

They called it Alexander's Rag-Time-Band! #lamejoke 

Ranch

Mamie Webser, widowed early in her marriage, carried on working her husband's cattle ranch and for many years toiled at the arduous chores that go with raising beef for market. As the years wore on, her three big sons took on more and more of the work until she was able to retire, watch the young men labor, and the money roll in. On thing troubled her. In all those years she had never been able to think of a good name for the ranch. One day a neighbor suggested she call it "Focus."

"Why Focus?" Mamie asked.

"It should be obvious," she was told, "because that's where the sons raise meat." #lamejoke

Basketball

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, previously of the Los Angeles Lakers, was one of the best basketball players in the NBA. While he is still with us, an enterprising biotechnology company recently took some of his cells to be grown into another great basketball player. The cells are stored away awaiting the necessary advances in human biotechnology. At that time they will be thawed out, but until then they will be kept frozen -- an iced Kareem clone. #lamejoke

Chicken

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make gum tea refeather a hen! #lamejoke 

Humanoid

In the year 2744, a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squatted motionless on a vast rocky plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs (two), but apparently never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a fifty-story condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet, it lived.

This puzzled hell out of the scientists, who tried everything they could think of to elicit some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just squatted, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, pondered for a second, boomed, "It couldn't," and squatted down again.

"Migod," exclaimed the xenobiologist. "Of course! It only stands to reason." #lamejoke

Dentist

I went to the dentist but I only had one dollar. I came out with buck teeth. #lamejoke

Rainy

The jungles of Columbia are rainy, but the mountains in Washington are Rainier. #lamejoke 

Mannequin

Joey once worked as a mannequin in Macy's department store. He held that position for a long time. #lamejoke 

Taxi

The city approved a new AI taxi. The driverless vehicle could only fit one person, and supposedly it would drive you to the location of a specific person. However, this function did not work as intended, and often the car ended up driving in circles. So even the worst taxi driver in the city was criticizing it. You see it takes one to no one. #lamejoke

Penguin

A penguin walked into a bar and said, “Has anyone seen my brother?” The bartender said, “What does he look like?” #lamejoke

Opera

A group of friends loved the opera. They would get season tickets together, discuss performances, travel to famous opera houses and arrange special back-stage tours. After years of this, one member suggested that he would love to be buried with the group. To his surprise, his friends agreed. One of the wealthier members even put up money to create a large baroque mausoleum. The mausoleum was quite a sight and became a local attraction. As time passed and the friends were interred, the fame of the mausoleum grew, and eventually people traveled from far and wide to see the fan tomb of the opera. #lamejoke 

Fish

And then there was the one about the man who thought he was a fish. After an evaluation, the doctors determined he was mentally eel. #lamejoke 

Hacker

How did the hacker escape? He just ransomware. #lamejoke 

Yogurt

On a vacation in Europe, I rented a car, but the ride was really rough and bumpy. I took it to a mechanic who filled the space between the frame and wheels with yogurt. It was quite the culture shock. #lamejoke

Weevils

There were once two weevils living in the country together. One day, they were talking about life, and decided to do something about their miserable existences. So they made a bet: they would return in a year's time, and compare who'd made a better life for himself.

A year passed. They returned. One had become a legal aid, working in the insect courts of England (as an earwig). The other was still flipping dung-balls at Mc(Farmer)Donalds. The second, obviously having lost the bet, was from then known on as The Lesser Of Two Weevils. #lamejoke

Slalom

One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. The trouble was that he just kept getting in the way of the other skiers. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian. #lamejoke

Prestidigitation

A member of a seventeenth century French military unit used to entertain the troops by performing slight of hand tricks and other feats of prestidigitation. His grand finale was to make himself disappear in a cloud of vapor. This caused one of his compatriots to exclaim, "Amazing! . . . There he goes, puff, the magic dragoon!" #lamejoke  

Quickie

Joey asked a waitress for a quickie today. Turns out that's not how to say quiche, and boy oh boy, was he left with egg on his face. #lamejoke 

Clown

A clown is accosted by a mugger in a dark alley. "Hand over your wallet!" snarls the mugger, "and don't try anything funny." #lamejoke

Tesla

I know why Tesla cars are expensive. They charge a lot. #lamejoke 

Kleenex

The workers at the Kleenex factory are going out on strike. Thousands will picket. #lamejoke

Thunk

What goes ha, ha, ha, ha, thunk? A man laughing his head off. #lamejoke

Squeak

What goes snap, crackle, squeak? Mice crispies. #lamejoke

Murder

A woman suspected of murdering her husband just dumped a bag of flour into his grave. The plot thickens... #lamejoke 

Catacomb

My wife asked what a catacomb is. I told her it’s an old Italian invention for getting knots out of cat fur. She didn't laugh. She wasn't feline funny. #lamejoke 

Similies

Similies. What are they like? #lamejoke

Cat

What a cat says when it gets hurt? Me owww. #lamejoke

Panda

What you call a naked panda? A bare. #lamejoke 

Silence

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious. #lamejoke 

Washing

“I love washing clothes when the crowd stands,” Tim cheered from the bleachers. #lamejoke 

Urinals

Do computer-controlled urinals have their own I pee addresses? #lamejoke

Hunting

I've been hunting for Bigfoot, yeti seems elusive. #lamejoke 

Mythical

Someone asked me if I wanted any more tiny mythical men rowing boats past my house. I said, “Gnome oar.” #lamejoke 

Strange

 Numbers are strange. Odd, even. #lamejoke

Envy

There's this thing called ocean envy. It's jealous sea. #lamejoke 

Hip-hop

You’ve heard about the onion that sings hip-hop? He's a rap scallion. #lamejoke 

Competition

I was very close to winning the World's Most Congested Nose competition but then, at the last minute, I blew it. #lamejoke 

Tennis

My wife said that I’m too old for tennis puns. I said, ”I’m only 30, love.” #lamejoke 

Habits

My wife told me I have two bad habits. I don’t listen and something else. #lamejoke 

Pirate

How you can tell if a treasure map was written by a pirate chicken? Eggs mark the spot. #lamejoke

Books

What color are books? Most books are read. #lamejoke 

Politician

Joey just got arrested for impersonating a politician. Don’t know why. He was just sitting there doing nothing. #lamejoke

Clothes

I always keep an extra set of clothes in my car. It’s useful in case I need to change attire. #lamejoke

Dog

How your dog shows that she likes classical music? By Wagner tail. #lamejoke 

Leg

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym. It's just the two days after that I can't stand. #lamejoke

Pick

What you get when you pick a pig’s nose? Hamboogers. #lamejoke 

Dinosaurs

Why dinosaurs were so big? Jurassic times called for Jurassic measures. Could that joke get any worse? You bet Jurassic can. #lamejoke

Waltz

I broke out in a waltz today. It was just once of those happens dance things. #lamejoke 

Refrigerators

I like refrigerators. They’re cool. #lamejoke 

Calculator

Police are investigating a death involving a broken calculator. Currently there are no signs of foul play, but something’s just not adding up. #lamejoke 

Spoon

Woke up holding a wooden spoon and mixing bowl. My wife said, “Rough night?” I’m like, “Yeah..how’d you know?” “You were stirring in your sleep.” #lamejoke 

Handstand

Joey bet me he could pee into the toilet while doing a handstand. I’m like, “Buddy…urine over your head.” #lamejoke

Thick

Why the book War And Peace is so thick? It's a long story. #lamejoke 

Change

“I think I’ll change my name,” Tim said, curtly. #lamejoke

Mexican

I always order Mexican food ta co. #lamejoke

Cat

 A cat that can turn into a potato? A mewtater. #lamejoke

Reincarnation

 Reincarnation is making a comeback. #lamejoke

Florist

I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the florist. I can't be sure, though...he had his back to the fuchsias. #lamejoke

Drink

Someone brought a fruity drink mix to the office. Easy enough...just add water...but somehow it turned into a whole thing. Too many opinions, not enough cups. People argued over powder ratios like it mattered. We got thirsty. Irritable. Eventually, someone figured it out and we queued up. Anyhow, it tasted fine. It just took too long to get to the punch line. #lamejoke

Rule

If the Number 1 Rule is “what goes up, must come down”, is the Number 2 Rule “what goes in, must come out”? #lamejoke

Sandwich

Joey didn’t want to fetch a sandwich for his boss, but he was forced into sub mission. #lamejoke 

Gotham

When Bruce returned to Gotham City, crime began to Wayne. #lamejoke

Noah

One of Noah’s sons reveled the secret place where the ark had crashed. Upset, Noah said,”You Ararat.” #lamejoke 

Alcohol

They researched the effects of alcohol on walking. The results were staggering. #lamejoke

Reading

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. #lamejoke 

Swim

I took a midnight swim in one of the great lakes. It was eerie. #lamejoke

College

Joey went to clown college on a fool scholarship. #lamejoke

Tornado

“The tornado propelled the step right into the wall,” Tim said, with a penetrating stare. #lamejoke

Cake

What I do when I'm feeling musical while making cake? Icing. #lamejoke

Clogs

Be prepared in case your sewer clogs. Make sure to have a backup plan. #lamejoke

Piano

After playing the guitar for years, Joey thought he could learn to play the piano. It's not an easy instrument to pick up. #lamejoke