Son

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born, but he is without torso, arms or legs. Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father gives thanks to God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." #lamejoke

Peas

I think Joey is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, English peas, and crowder peas. Then he just sits there and looks at them. When I asked him why, he said he was just minding his peas in queues. #lamejoke 

Meters

I'm thinking that the reason Americans don’t use meters is because we have a foot fetish. #lamejoke

Party

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header. #lamejoke

Girlfriend

Joey just told me that his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall. I said I'd like to meter. #lamejoke

Hacking

Big problem. All the banks' computers crashed as a result of hacking by unknown computer vandals. Enormous amounts of data, accounts, amounts, names, addresses were lost and everything was rendered useless. The various governments, local, state and federal were all called into the investigation to find the perpetrators of the evil deed.

Months went by and no trace of the culprits could be found, Searches of records, records of all internet activity for the past three years were painstakingly examined, the subject of 'hacking' on the internet was microscopically searched for traces of the same kind of processes that caused the monstrous loss, both financial and economical. Finally, after dismantling and piecemeal examination of the dryer lint in the garbage cans of half the population of Los Angeles, a clue was found.

A single minuscule bit of paper, with the ink 99 percent washed away, lead investigators to a small apartment in the town of East Ennui, Idaho. The local records showed the apartment to be occupied by two brothers, Frank and Earnest Lesser. Indeed, these were the culprits. The authorities subjected the brothers to intensive interrogation, over periods of many hours. The brothers finally broke down and admitted the deed. But they each had one item of information that could solve their personal problem. It seems that they had developed another software program to restore everything as it was, with no loss of information whatsoever. As a matter of fact, each of the brothers had developed the same type of program, accomplishing the desired result in a different fashion.

The authorities were in a quandary. If they prosecuted the brothers, the information would never be recovered, if they didn't, they would have gotten away with a monstrous crime. The authorities did indeed make their decision, but it was very difficult.

No one should have to choose between the evil of two Lessers. #lamejoke

Bread

Two slices of bread went on a date. It was loaf at first sight. #lamejoke 

Vehicle

What a person without a vehicle says in the winter? "Ooh...brrr…" #lamejoke

Dali

It is a little known fact that a pharmacist was responsible for saving the career of that creator of really weird, surrealist paintings, Salvador Dali. It seems that the artist accidentally poured boiling water on his drawing hand and immediately sought help at the local pharmacy.

He asked the pharmacist, "What is the name of that medicinal plant that is good to treat burns?" 

The pharmacist replied, "Aloe, Dali." #lamejoke

Auction

I went to an antique auction yesterday. Three people bid on me. #lamejoke

Shortage

This is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe.

**Voice from the back** "How severe was it?"

It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?

"We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine." #lamejoke 

Difference

The difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter f maybe? #lamejoke

Frogs

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tim looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tim brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim.

"Yes," said Tim. "They need mono-sodium glue to mate!" #lamejoke

Dictionary

Do dictionary salesmen take a vow of sell-ABC? 

Upset

A wife, upset that her husband was late again, wrote a dramatic note. "I’ve had enough. I’m leaving you. Don’t try to find me."

She hid under the bed, waiting to see his reaction.

The husband walks in, finds the note, and after a pause… he scribbles something down, then calls someone: "She’s finally gone… yeah, I know, about damn time. I’m coming over. Wear that French nightie, I love you. Can’t wait to do all the naughty things you like.”

He hangs up, grabs his keys, and leaves.

The wife, shaking with rage and tears, crawls out from under the bed to read what he wrote.

It said: "I can see your feet. Also, we’re out of bread back in 5.” #lamejoke

Yerm

Once upon a time, about 4000 years ago, a great army of Kurds (from Kurdistan in Iraq) swept across the Middle East, conquering vast areas of land. They pushed westward until they reached what is the present state of Israel. There, they met staunch resistance from a small tribe of mountain dwellers called the Yerms. The Yerms were wonderful archers. They would simply wait in the hills until the Kurds passed through the valleys below, then they would shower the Kurdish soldiers with hundreds of arrows. For defense, the Yerms built a series of underground tunnels in which they could seek refuge whenever they were threatened.

After a long struggle, the Yerms were finally defeated, and the Kurds conquered the land. There was one Yerm, however, who had not given up. He decided to exact revenge. The Kurdish King had set up his capitol in Jerusalem, a city dominated by hills on the East. Through these hills there was only one narrow pass providing easy passage to Kurdistan. The last remaining Yerm guarded the pass and shot everyone who tried to get through. When the Kurdish soldiers came after him, he simply scuttled into one of the tunnels the Yerms had dug and escaped.

This distressed the King of the Kurds. Because of one lowly Yerm, no important messages or emissaries could pass through from his kingdoms in the East. The King had his military leaders identify the scrawniest, fastest soldier in the army. He called the man to his throne room one day and told him to go into the hills alone at night, sneak into the Yerm's tunnels and capture that one last remaining Yerm. The soldier went out that very night, but never returned.

The King then identified and commissioned his second scrawniest soldier to attempt the same thing. That second scrawny soldier was never seen again. For weeks, the King kept sending out his dwindling supply of scrawny soldiers but none ever returned.

The King had become terribly discouraged when, one day, a big, burly soldier appeared before him and claimed he could capture the Yerm. The King doubted the wisdom of the move, but in his desperation he directed the big Kurd to find and capture the wily Yerm.

The next morning, bright and early, the King was awakened by the return of the soldier who marched into the palace with the Yerm slung over his shoulder. The delighted King promptly promoted the Kurd to captain of the guard, and, as was Kurdish custom, made the Yerm his personal man-servant.

As the new captain turned to leave, the King stopped him and asked, "Captain, how did you capture the Yerm?"

The big, burly soldier responded, "Sire, everyone knows that the burly Kurd catches the Yerm!" #lamejoke 

Sidewalk

A very strange thing happened here a few days ago...

This past weekend, I noticed a neighbor of mine repairing his sidewalk. He had removed a number of broken sections (thanks to numerous trees in his yard). He had rented a cement mixer (portable - not a truck). He was laying new forms for the cement. He was almost ready to pour the cement which would form a new, flat sidewalk that would no longer be a safety hazard to folks walking to his front door.

This particular neighbor is in his 60s. He and his wife never had children of their own, but both have always been exceptionally nice to the neighborhood children.

On Halloween, they host a "haunted house". At Christmas, they always have gifts for all the children who live nearby. At Easter time, they host an Easter egg hunt in their yard. One would have to look far and wide to find a couple of people who care more for children than they do.

It is because of this that I was so shocked this past weekend...

Seeing as how this gentleman has helped me do so many chores around my house in the past few years, I offered my assistance to him in his task.

We finished preparing the site for his new sidewalk. Then we mixed the cement. Then, we began pouring the new cement walkway leading to his front door. After laboring for a number of hours, we finished. To those of you who have never poured cement, it is back-breaking work. A portion of cement the size of a medium bag of dog food weight more than 100 pounds!

We were both exhausted. We each opened a beer and sat down to admire our work. Just then, two neighbor children came riding down the street on their bicycles. Seeing the fresh cement walkway, they cut across his lawn, and rode the bikes right across the fresh (still wet) cement, leaving bike tire tracks across the fruit of our labors...

My neighbor, totally out of character, immediately started screaming obscenities at the children. I had never heard him use such language! Especially directed at kids! His tirade lasted a few minutes. He was angrier than I had ever seen him!

When he finally cooled down, I asked him, "Ah, John. I am surprised. I thought that you loved all the children around here."

He looked over at me and responded, "In the abstract, yes. But, not in the concrete!" #lamejoke 

Juggling

Just thinking about juggling makes me want to throw up. #lamejoke

Entertainment

Exercise and entertainment. Entertainment and exercise. We need both, but usually these things are mutually incompatible. Exercising is not fun and entertainment turns me even more into a couch potato.

This problem is not restricted to my own experience, however. Other people have dealt with the problem and the solution varies from one person to another. For example, some close friends were involved in Korean marital (no, no, martial -- typing is so *critical*) arts -- something they did strictly for the entertainment. And for exercise, they took up old-fashioned square dancing, an alemanding activity that can run one to exhaustion over an evening's time.

As might be expected, the time constraints on their lives did not allow these friends to pursue their favorite exercise and entertainments to the fullest extent possible -- until I stepped in, that is. The solution, of course was to combine their love of Korean martial arts and square dancing into one unified activity, the Tae Kwan Do-si-do. #lamejoke

Funeral

When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, "We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake."

"Not on your life," announced his widow, "Squaw bury Shortcake!" #lamejoke

Creature

A creature rose up out of the surf and came sloshing ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "and I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!! What we have here is a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch. #lamejoke

Confused

Then there was the one about the confused young man who couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. I guess you can't have your Kate and Edith, too. #lamejoke 

Coin

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call "Teds, or Hales!!!" #lamejoke 

Pea

A word for when a pea rolls off your dinner plate and onto the floor? It’s called an escapea. #lamejoke

Camp

At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It was so close to the beach that the dolphins could be seen swimming in to shore at dinnertime. The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling, "It's chow time for all in tents and porpoises!" #lamejoke

Ear

When my ear got torn off, a brilliant friend of mine made me a machine-powered replacement. Now, I can hear much better than ever before! It’s amazing what engine ears can do. #lamejoke 

Juice

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says, "No."

The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers." #lamejoke 

Corn

I looked out at the field of corn and noticed one of them growing a horn. It's a uniquecorn. #lamejoke 

Rabbit

Once upon a time there was a very naughty little rabbit who liked to tie squirrels' tails in knots. The squirrels were, naturally, very upset by this and appealed to the Spirit of the Woods. She appeared before the little rabbit and said "You are a very bad little rabbit and if you tie just one more squirrel's tail I will change you into a goon!"

The rabbit promised he would be good, for he surely did not want to be a goon but, before long, he yielded to temptation and tied another squirrel's tail into a knot.

The Spirit re-appeared instantly and with a puff of smoke - she changed the little rabbit into a goon.

The moral of the story, of course, is "Hare today..." #lamejoke