What happens when you buy a bigger bed?

You have more bed room but less bedroom.

What did the butcher say when he found a group of people who'd been trapped in his meat locker all night?

Icy dead people.

Why is being a pirate is so popular?

Once you lose your hand, you're hooked!

How do you stop a skunk smelling?

Hold its nose.

How do trees get online?

They log in.

So, I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in the kitchen. 

But the publisher refused, saying they could not publish illegal material. 

Stupid anti counter fitting laws.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

What is a ninja's favorite drink?

Wataaaaaaa!!!

They walk down the aisle in their underwear and it's called "art" and "fashion".

When Joey does it, he's "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target".

What hides in Santa's bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy! 

Who does Sherlock Holmes face after E. R. T.?

Moriarty.

Why are people in Taiwan's capital so serious?

They all have Taipei personalities.

Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude-Olph.

How do you make a chicken egg roll?

Put it on an inclined plane.

Bold prediction:

Prediction.

What do you call a hairstyle that didn't use hairspray, and came out terribly?

 A no-can do.

What kind of music do wind turbines like?  They're big metal fans.

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you'll see after while and the other you'll see later.

These two shepherds are leaning on their staffs at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighs and shakes his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." 

The first replies, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

Why are there always two EMTs in an ambulance?

Because they're a pair of medics.

How do baby skunks follow their mom at night?

End stinks.

What's a drunk rabbit been drinking?

Hopscotch.

What's the best way to eat a hot dog?

With relish.

"I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?"

"No, the regular kind."

How do you know the letters A through Y are all evil letters?  

Because they're all not Zs.

What did the facial hair say when it ran away? 

Moustache.

How does a clock communicate with small bugs?

Tick talk.

How do plants greet?

Aloe.

What is it called if you prefer bowls over plates?

Dishcrimination.

To whomever stole my thesaurus....

You made my day bad. 

I hope bad things happen to you. 

You're a bad person.

What's the difference between a sock and a camera? 

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

So Joey is interested in Traditional Chinese Cooking. 

He's been talking about get the right equipment for years but has never gone through with it. 

He can talk the talk but can he wok the wok?

A sneeze walks in to a clothing shop.

The clerk says, "What are you looking for?"

The sneeze says, "A shoe."

What noise does a speeding duck make? 

Quick, quick.

What's the most average color?

Mediochre.

What do snowmen eat for lunch? 

Chili.

Then there was the one about the food fight at the apiarists' tea party....

Several people went to the ER with facial burns. 

Truly, brewed tea was in the eyes of the bee-holders.

What do you call a snake with a lisp?

A thnake.

Why did Edward get stuck in Russia?

He was Snowden.

Did you know that Flash Gordon was the first environmentalist?

 
When Ming the merciless told Flash Gordon he was going to send a death ray to Earth, Flash Gordon was quick to respond, "That will definitely cause global war, Ming."

(Thanks to Jerry Breiling for this one)

What kind of pasta is made from horses?

Spaghetti bowl o' neighs.

Joey just got back from a business trip to Alaska.

I asked him how the trip was. 

He said, "Oh, Juneau."

Which pools are safe for diving?

It deep ends.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

What is a sheep's favorite fruit?

A baaa-nana.

Where do cavemen store their weapons?

In the clubhouse.

"I only eat billiard balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." 

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You’re not getting enough greens."

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. 

"They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey." 

"So what you’re saying is," he concluded, "they won’t let the Kurds have their way?"

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

And now, for a little bathroom humor....

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It fell into the crack.

What did the scary panda say?

Bam! Boo!

Two drugs were in love.

One drug looks over at the other drug and says, "I love you babe. Marriage, you wanna?"

How do you get Mexican food at the beach?

Dig your feet into the sand, then you'll have buried toes.

How did the owls get away with the heist in Machu Picchu?

They were Inca hoots.

I told my wife a joke about women and "that time of the month".

She didn't laugh. 

She told me menstruation jokes are never funny. 

Period.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Who is the patron saint of emails?

St. Francis of a CC.

Three spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!" 

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side. 

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind. 

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His two friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital. 

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears. 

"Well, I have good news and I have bad news," he said. 

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

What skill does a herb farmer need to perfect?

Thyme management.

Pavlov is sitting in the bar.

A customer walks in and the bell over the front door rings.

"Shit!" says Pavlov. "I forgot to feed the dog!"

What does a witch use to tell time?
 .
A witch watch.

Where is the bathroom for IT people located?

At the IP address.

How do you contact a symphony orchestra?

Euphonium.

This farmer asks a scarecrow if he likes his job.

"Well," says the scarecrow, "this job isn't for everyone, but hey, it's in my genes."

Our local brewery is trying to figure out who's been swimming in the vats of fermented apple juice.

They're fairly certain the culprit is an incider.

Measuring the speed of bugs is a great way to enhance any enjoyable experience.

If you don't believe me...

Time flies when you're having fun.

Why are trees useless at eating?

They're all bark and no bite.

First question: "Describe yourself in 3 words."

Joey: "I'm not very good with numbers."

(Thanks, Trish)

What do you call an arrogant criminal running down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What material makes the best breast implants?

Mammary foam.

What happens if you go into labor in the ocean?

You have to have a sea section.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Why do ghosts shiver and moan? 

It's drafty under that sheet.

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.

Why did body painting stop the senator from casting a vote?

He was ab staining.

How do tiny bakers spice it up in the bedroom?

Roll playing.

Why do the French have only one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf!

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.

What is it called when a skeleton works for free?

Pro Bono.

Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?

Because the meat was Chewie.

What do you call a surgeon who repairs dog organs?

An in-terrier designer.

What do British krakens eat?

Fish and ships.

What was the biggest island on earth before Greenland was discovered?

Greenland.

What brand of coffee does an origami artist like the best?

Foldgers.

Why did the bug avoid the chair with the spider on it? 

It didn't want to get caught in the web of da seat.

A man and his companion, traveling the desert, see a cluster of tents in the middle of nowhere.

The man decides to investigate and he discovers that it's a marketplace.

The first stall he comes to has glass bowls filled with custard and pieces of cake.

He nods to the stall holder and goes to the second stall. It, too, has bowls filled with custard and cake.

He then goes to the next stall and the next stall, and all they seem to have is these bowls with filled with custard and cake.

He finally shakes his head in disbelief and returns to his friend.

His friend says "So what was that?"

He replies "It was a trifle bizarre."

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi.

What do you call a hen looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the two punsters get a divorce?

I reckon syllable differences.

How do they griddles cakes in China?

In a pan - Duh!

How would one describe Chinese food that isn't great?

Tso, tso.

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?

It was his duty.

How did the hay get out of jail?

It made bale.

What do baby kangaroo brothers call each other?

Roo-mates.

What do you call an empty container of cheese wiz?

Cheese was.

What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes a load of trash to the landfill?

"To-the-dump, to-the-dump, to-the-dump-dump-dump..."

Joey's aunt’s Zodiac star sign was Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died.…

She was eaten by a giant crab.

Did you know that if you drink the fluid from a Magic 8 Ball you can see the future?

It’s true. Joey's friend, Steve, did it, and said he was going to die, and then he did.

What did the duck say when it found an avocado?

"Guac, guac."

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl.

It’s seven.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, dammit, breathe!

After God had created 24 hours of alternating light and darkness, one of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.

He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

Joey once owned a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet.

Only for like 20 seconds though.

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing. They fast.

A man got his house painted. 

When the painters were done they handed him the bill. 

He was surprised to find that the painters were not charging him for paint, just labor. 

He asked them, "You did a great job, why didn't you charge me for paint?"

The painter replies, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

Joey went to the doctor today and told him he was having problems with his hearing.

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

Joey said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

What did Silver say to Gold at the Periodic Table reunion?

"A, U!"

Why don't you ever see a pirate cry?

When they do, it's a private tear.

It goes without saying....

An old man lies dying in 2070 surrounded by his family. 

Trying to extract some final wisdom from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks, "What's the part of your life that sticks out to you the most, Dad?" 

He responds, "I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem, in my mind, to be as clear and perfect as this moment now."

His son exclaims, "Wow, fifty years! Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age, Pop."

"But of course," says his dad, "hindsight is 2020."

Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world?

Never mined.

What do you call an Australian that will only eat short-grain rice?

A rice-ist.

Joey was pretty scrawny, so he had to quit his job as a personal trainer.

He gave them his too weak notice.

What do you call a depressed traffic jam?

Bummer to bummer traffic.

If Spock has Vulcan ears, what does Scotty have?

Engineers.

What you you call a day old pastry?

Yesterdanish.

You matter until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.

What happened to the potato farmer who crossed the mob?

He's sleeping with the knishes.

Then there was the one about the brake pedal who had to leave his job.

He had to stop when he got depressed.

What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the leaders in the old Soviet Union hate riding in taxis?

The drivers were always stallin'.

How does an Australian greet his toilet?

Bidet, mate!

My wife's pretty good at making an Earl Grey.

It's her special tea.

How much food will $64 get you?

Eight square meals.

19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

The man who invented autocorrect has passed away. 

His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey.

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. 

He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found.

She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

What do you call an educator who's under the influence?

A high school teacher.

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “You can’t do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.”

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A wonkey.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

I recently started a new job at the toy factory. 

There are only two of us that work on the production line for Dracula figures.

I have to make every second count.

What was Beethoven's favorite city in England?

London-dun-dunnn.

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12. 

On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-for bow.

Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?" 

His cautious father replied, I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

Joey went to his podiatrist to have a bunion removed.

When the treatment ended, he asked if another appointment would be necessary.

They said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."

A small stream runs through my friend’s rural property.

His wife, an inveterate gardener, plants flowers along the stream, keeping its boarders clean and clear. 

That is because she loves to weed a good brook.

Why didn't the tick go to the prom?

He didn't have a tick-ette.

What airline makes sudden, unrelated stops?

Nonsequit Air.

Where do psychologists like to eat?

Kentucky Freud Chicken.

I decided to grow a garden last year. Most of the plants grew really well, but one of my herb plants struggled and eventually died so I had to throw it out. 

It was thyme.

The mother who injected her eight year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

One day on the farm, a horse was listening to his favorite band, The Beatles, and loved their music so much that he decided he wanted to start his own band, and do a concert for all the animals on the farm.

Later that day he went out to the field and asked a cow if he would like to join the band that he was putting together. The cow agreed as he wanted to help out his friend.

The horse then went to find his friend the pig and asked him if he'd like to join the band as well. He agreed to do so on the terms that he got to play the guitar. The horse was fine by that.

Lastly, he went over to a flock of sheep, and asked if they could sing for his band. They agreed as long as they got to pick the song that they sang. The horse was fine by that.

They practiced all week long until the big day had arrived. The concert was minutes from starting and the band was getting ready to go on stage. Suddenly, when the band saw all the animals waiting to see them perform, they got stage fright and started to panic. The cow, the horse, and the flock of sheep fled from the concert hall.

The horse was devastated because he didn't get to perform in front of all the animals. Then a pig walked by and saw that the horse was upset. The pig looked at the horse and asked, "Why the long face?"

Why didn't the Oreo didn't show up for class?

He was out playing cookie.

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

The first row of a country concert.

Where can you buy a rainforest?

Amazon.

Why do beers cost so much on airplanes?

You're paying for the atmosphere.

Why did the knife get fired?

He couldn't cut it.

Why did the dancer take the elevator?

Because he was Fred Astairs.

What do you call a chubby renal system doctor that talks about the weather?

A meteurologist.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It was stuck in a crack.

What's the best advice you can give to a blood donor?

Be positive.

What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na.

Joey's dad is obsessed with all types of bags. Where does he live?

Baghdad.

Where do equines go when they're sick?

The horsepital.

Why did the wizard's girlfriend have a lot of hickeys?

Because he's a neck romancer.

I told my wife about about a bee that I thought was dead but it was still walking.

It must have been a Zom-bee.

What did the fog say to the mist?

Two's company, three's a cloud.

What did the Andean mammal say when it was time to go on vacation?

Alpaca suitcase.

What's a runner's favorite class in school?

Jography.

What do you call a crazy guy in a room full of mosquitoes?

A bit neurotic.

Why did the sycophant open an Indian restaurant?

He wanted to curry favor.

If there’s a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?

Beauty… beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What’s a comedian’s least favorite drink?

Booze.

What do you call the man who just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft, and Wonder Woman?

I call him a heroine dealer.

How did the circle catch the square?

With a trapezoid.

What do you call a bear without an ear?

A b.

How do mermaids give birth?

They have sea-sections.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning.

Why didn't Sherlock Holmes want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was more ER tea.

What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

What's the least expensive pet to keep?

Birds - they're the cheepest.

Why was the bird optimistic?

Because it was a pelican, not a pelican't.

What advice do you give to a rock that dating?

You need to be a little boulder.

What's the difference between an Mel Gibson movie and a pizza? 

 

Pizzas are good.

What's the temperature inside a bee hive?

S'warm.

What has a tongue and sneezes a lot?

A shoe.

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot?

Because they’re both cauldron.

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants.

What do you call a taco in a snow storm?

A burrrrito.

Why was the scientist so interested in the fossilized mint plant? 

Because it was an ex-spearmint.

What do you call a smell with a mind of its own?

Scent-ient.

Why don't ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Why aren't more people making educational board games?

It's just a trivial pursuit.

Did you hear about the kittens that took over the boat?

It was a Mewtiny!

What do angry vegetarians do when they read an article about the benefits of eating meat?

They send lettuce to the editor.

What's white and fluffy and swings through trees?

A meringue utang.

What do bees chew?

Bumble gum!

What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
 
A duck has a bill on its face, and George Washington has his face on a bill!

Who can serve ice cream faster than a speeding bullet? 

Scooperman!

What rhymes with orange?

No, no it doesn't.

Everybody dies and they all go to heaven. 

At the gate, God separates the men and women. 

He tells the men to go stand in one of the two lines that are created. 

"The men who are whipped by their mate" is the first line and stood 100 miles long with a line of men.

"The men who dominated their mate" stood with only one person in the line.

God got furious and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" 

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, "You're here a lot. Are you an alcoholic?" 

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, "I don't think I am." 

And "poof", he disappears. 

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, "I think, therefore I am." 

But telling you that first, would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What do you call someone who teaches you how to pass gas?

A tooter.

How does the Flash like his eggs?

Runny.

How do you cut pizza?

With Little Caesars.

Why did the people call the man that was late a tiny ass?

Because he was a little behind.

Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.

The other chickpea asks, "Are you okay?" 

The vomiting chickpea answers, "No, I falafel."

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
 
Short.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

What’s the opposite of irony? 

Wrinkly.

What did the pop star do when he locked himself out? 

He sang until he found the right key!

What do you call two young dogs that work in a library? 

Hush puppies.

What type of stories do ships like to read?

Ferry tales.

What does the piece of toast wear to bed?

Jammies!

What would you call a humorous joint in your leg?

Fun-ny!

A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. 

That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he really likes.

In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.

What did the light bulb say to its mother?
 
I wuv you watts and watts.

Three French legionnaires were crossing the desert.

One looked up and saw a mirage and said, "By Gar!"

The second looked up, saw the mirage, and said, "By Gar!"

The third looked up and said, "Gee, a two gar mirage."

"Hey there, pa'dner. What the heck is that there rock that makes them words sound so much alike?" 

"“That's a rhyme stone, Cowboy."

What did the cowboy say to the cow that stood on the barn roof?

Get off the roof, cow!

What do postal workers do when they’re angry?
 
They stamp their feet.

How did the farmer find his lost cow?

He tractor down.

What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

What would you call a very funny mountain?

Hill Arious.

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. 

She turns to one little girl and says, "And what does your daddy do?"

The girl replies, "Whatever Mommy tells him to!!!!"

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? 

There was no chemistry.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

So their nuts don't get wet!

When Joey's girlfriend said she was leaving because of his obsession with The Monkees, he thought she was joking. 

And then he saw her face....

Don't struggle to think of what to get someone for a gift....

Get them a refrigerator and watch their face light up when they open it.

What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?

Bored!

Why do oars fall in love?

Because they’re row-mantic.

The king wanted to go fishing. 

He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with the queen. 

On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.” 

So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. 

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to behead the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. 

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey, and thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in government and occupy its most influential positions. The custom is unbroken to this day.

How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw!

What’s a monster’s favorite dessert?

I scream!

What do you call a cow that you can’t see?

Invisibull.

Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music?

Because he broke the record!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera.

What is the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk, because it's pasteurized before you see it.

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…

but backwards it’s even more stupid…

Joey said to the doctor, "Can you give me something for my liver?"

He handed Joey a pound of onions.

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It’s true – when was the last time you ate a monkey?

What's the worst thing about ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 or 2? 1... or 2?

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay....

Joey was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

How does Darth Vader like his toast? 

On the dark side.

I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

He said, “Then what are you doing here?”

I said, “The light was on.”

What do you call it when you lend money to a bison?

 A buff-a-loan!

Joey's dad has started wearing Joey's mom's clothes. And his mom has started wearing his dad's clothes.

They're becoming transparent.

He says that it's kind of a drag....

What happened to the sunburned banana?
 
It peeled!

I went for another job interview yesterday. The interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was.

I said, “My honesty.”

He said, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.”

I said, “I don’t care what you think.”

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “On your resume, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”

I said, “That’s correct.”

He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”

I said, “No.”

My friend drowned in a half-empty bath tub yesterday…

and he was normally so optimistic.

I recently wrote a book on penguins.

With hindsight, I realize that paper would have been easier.

What did the truck driver say to the one-legged hitch hiker?

"Hop in."

Joey's dad always said to him, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”

Nice man.

Made horrible tea.

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a bowl of water.

If it sinks: girl ant.

If it floats: boy ant.

A piece of red tarmac and a piece of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a beer when this piece of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red piece of tarmac, and then storms off again.

The bartender says to the piece of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The piece of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino recently. 

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

I used to own a racing snail.

I thought taking it’s shell off would make it faster, but it only made it more sluggish.

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked the boss.

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

It took me three hours.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the bartender what they are for. 

The bartender replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to try?”

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

I'm having trouble sleeping recently. 

I keep waking up shouting, "The Hobbit, the Hobbit!"

Think I'm Tolkein in my sleep?

Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

Who is responsible for a child’s moral education? 

It's apparent, isn't it?

Before she got the gig on Wheel of Fortune, Vanna White tried to get a similar job at the Scrabble factory. 

They didn't have much turnover so they wooden letter even apply.

What was the Shakespeare play about the seasonal office worker who had a bladder problem?

"The Temp Pissed."

An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day, "“I can’'t stand your constant sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief?"

The squaw answered, "”’'It is but for a linen cloth for which I hanker, Chief.”

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

Joey's wife has been missing for a week and the police told him to prepare for the worst.

He went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

The last time I went for a job interview, the interviewer said to me, “According to your resume, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s correct.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

“No," I said, "but it was quick.”

Why was the little ink drop crying?

Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.

What is E.T. short for?

He has really small legs.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fall forwards, they'll still be in the boat.

A Spanish-speaking magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos... " POOF!

He disappeared without a tres.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foiled again!”

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his collection of guitars. 

The judge asked “First offender?”

She replied, “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”

What did the boy boat say to the girl boat? 

“Are you up for a little row-mance?”

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What do you call keys born on the same day?

Twinkies!

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants.

Today I got in touch with my inner self….

That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.

What did the chocolate bar do when it heard a good joke?

It snickered.

How do you identify a dogwood tree?

By its bark.