What do you call a bear without an ear?

A b.

How do mermaids give birth?

They have sea-sections.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning.

Why didn't Sherlock Holmes want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was more ER tea.

What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

What's the least expensive pet to keep?

Birds - they're the cheepest.

Why was the bird optimistic?

Because it was a pelican, not a pelican't.

What advice do you give to a rock that dating?

You need to be a little boulder.

What's the difference between an Mel Gibson movie and a pizza? 

 

Pizzas are good.

What's the temperature inside a bee hive?

S'warm.

What has a tongue and sneezes a lot?

A shoe.

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot?

Because they’re both cauldron.

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

Tenants.

What do you call a taco in a snow storm?

A burrrrito.

Why was the scientist so interested in the fossilized mint plant? 

Because it was an ex-spearmint.

What do you call a smell with a mind of its own?

Scent-ient.

Why don't ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Why aren't more people making educational board games?

It's just a trivial pursuit.

Did you hear about the kittens that took over the boat?

It was a Mewtiny!

What do angry vegetarians do when they read an article about the benefits of eating meat?

They send lettuce to the editor.

What's white and fluffy and swings through trees?

A meringue utang.

What do bees chew?

Bumble gum!

What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
 
A duck has a bill on its face, and George Washington has his face on a bill!

Who can serve ice cream faster than a speeding bullet? 

Scooperman!

What rhymes with orange?

No, no it doesn't.

Everybody dies and they all go to heaven. 

At the gate, God separates the men and women. 

He tells the men to go stand in one of the two lines that are created. 

"The men who are whipped by their mate" is the first line and stood 100 miles long with a line of men.

"The men who dominated their mate" stood with only one person in the line.

God got furious and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" 

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, "You're here a lot. Are you an alcoholic?" 

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, "I don't think I am." 

And "poof", he disappears. 

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, "I think, therefore I am." 

But telling you that first, would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What do you call someone who teaches you how to pass gas?

A tooter.

How does the Flash like his eggs?

Runny.

How do you cut pizza?

With Little Caesars.