What alcoholic beverage made from grapes do pigs like to drink?

Swine coolers.

What's the difference between a chess player and a thief?

One watches pawns; the other pawns watches.

What time is it when the kids need a nap?

Whine o'clock.

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

“Astonishing!” the truck driver said to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?”

The crew chief said, “Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”

What do you call a cow that enters your yard and eats your grass?

A lawn moooooer.

Jane lived in Hollywood, California, and Julie lived in Miami, Florida. They both could afford to have their hair done by Pierre in St. Louis.

One day they both decided to have their hair done. They both called Pierre but he told them that he had only one spot left and that whoever would get there first could have it.

Jane hopped into her private jet and Julie hopped into her own helicopter. Jane had to emergency land in Denver, but Julie made it to St. Louis for her hair appointment.

The moral of the story is, the whirlybird gets the perm.

What did Paul Revere say when his ride was over?

Whoa!

Where were English kings usually crowned?

On the head.

What kind of shoes do baby cowboys wear?

Cowboy booties.

How are baseball and pancakes alike?

They both depend on the batter.

A young man fell in love with a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later, excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month.

The witch told him, …”Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from a coven, and pills buried says it best.”

Who has the easiest job in the world?

Candlemakers - they only work on wick ends.

Who calculates how many meals are served in the cafeteria?

The lunch counter.

When is coffee like a bear?

When it's a bruin.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Why can't a woman ask for help from her brother?

He can't be a brother and assist her, too.

Why did the lawyer fall asleep in court?

He was working on a pillow case.

A couple decided to go for a meal and after some deliberation settled for their local Chinese restaurant. They perused the menu and finally agreed to share the chef’s special, Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hasn’t so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Well, sir,” says the waiter, “What did you order?”

“We both chose the same,” he replies, “the Chicken Surprise.”

“Oh, I do apologize. This is my fault,” says the waiter…

“By mistake, I’ve brought you the Peeking duck.”

What did the cow pack to go on vacation in Hawaii?

Her muumuu.

This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box.

Apparently, the boa cons tricked her.

Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?

Chap. One.

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-Rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.

One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.

"No problem," replied Smitty, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"

What has four legs and goes booooo!

A cow with a cold.

What's the biggest problem politicians suffer from in Washington?

Truth decay.

There's this stage play in which the first act is about a canceled lunar mission, and in the second, an actor has a number of lines to deliver in the role of a scam artist named Kohl.

The first act comes off o.k., but as Act II begins, the stage hand who is supposed to hold up the cue cards is not around, and nobody knows where he is.

The actor who plays the scam artist is upset,and grumbles: "We can rescind a missile to the moon, but we can't find a cuer for the con-man Kohl!"

Where is the ocean the deepest?

At the bottom.

What happens to good hairdressers?

They dye and go to heaven.

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it.

As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, then what kind of a tree does a chicken come from?

A poul-tree.