Moles

Captain Hook, the pirate, went to a dermatologist to examine suspicious moles on his neck. "They're benign," the doctor assured the Captain. “Argh,” said Hook. “Check again doc. I counted, there be ten!” #lamejoke

Sandpaper

I'm reading a book about sandpaper. It’s a work of friction. #lamejoke

Uniform

When I saw a police officer wearing a pilots uniform, I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops. #lamejoke

Hospital

The coolest guy in the hospital is the hip replacement doctor. #lamejoke

Houseboat

My best friend once lived in a houseboat moored next to my houseboat. Eventually we drifted apart. #lamejoke

Torture

On my lunch-break I strolled over to the London Dungeon's new torture rack exhibit. Just to stretch my legs. #lamejoke

Song

I have a song in my show about the combination for my safe. It’s the opening number. #lamejoke

You should never buy a boat retail. It’s better to buy them hull sail. #lamejoke

Raffle

Police announced that they've put an end to a wide scale body part smuggling ring. There were rumors of a website where smugglers bought tickets raffling off the rights to freshly dead bodies and, after weeks of searching, detectives finally found the proof they needed. When asked for details about how they identified the correct site, detectives said, "It was actually quite easy. The raffle was a dead giveaway." #lamejoke 

Pet

The local pet shop will sell you any pet you want. You name it. #lamejoke

Bunny

What you call a bunny wthat was raised in a hotel? An inn grown hare. #lamejoke

Stairlift

I offered my elderly neighbor $20 to give me a ride on her stairlift. I think she’s gonna take me up on it. #lamejoke

Sweater

I really wanted a new pullover sweater for my birthday, but all I got was a card again. #lamejoke

Saint

The patron of sending people a copy of an email? St. Francis of a cc. #lamejoke

Everest

My Pa said he would accompany me and help with my equipment when I was going to climb Mount Everest. I said, “Are you sure, Pa?” #lamejoke

Boat

My wife told me that I spend so much time reading about naval history and building model ships that I'm starting to resemble a boat. I gave her a stern look. #lamejoke

Rich

A destitute man, desperate for money, shouts out," I would do anything to be a rich man! I am tired of constantly being broke, never knowing where my next meal is coming from!" POOF - the Devil appears and offers him a deal. "Let's play a game," the Devil says, producing a deck of cards. "We will each draw a card, high card wins. For every hand you win, I will give you $1 million dollars, for every hand I win, I get to take one of your body parts." The devil drives a hard bargain, but the man is tired of being poor and he agrees. On the first draw, the man wins, and instantly a briefcase full of cash appears next to him. "Wow!" The man says, "1 million dollars! I have never seen that much money in one place." "Do you want to keep playing?" The devil asks. The man is tempted to stop, but his greed gets the better of him, "Yes, let's keep playing!" The next draw the devil wins and instantly, painlessly, the man's left leg disappears. He is shaken for a moment, but he thinks of all the wheelchairs he could buy for 1 million dollars, "again!" He says. They continue like this for several rounds and the man wins several million dollars, but he has lost both legs and both arms, numb to his precarious position and blinded with greed the man shouts, "Again!" "Are you sure?" The devil asks, looking nervous, “Most people quit before they get this... diminished. How will you even draw a card?" "I'll draw with my mouth!" The man shouts, now do you want to play or not?" The devil shrugs and holds the deck of cards up to the man's mouth, the man takes the top card between his lips and drops it on the floor. His heart sinks as he sees that it is a two. The Devil draws a King and instantly the man's torso disappears and the man's head, still fully sentient, falls to the floor. "Still want to keep playing?" the Devil asks wryly. "No..." The man says with a sigh, "I’d better quit while I'm a head." #lamejoke

Jewelry

She went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry. As she entered, she heard a loud “BANG”. It made her earring. #lamejoke 

Tobacco

The local tobacco shop closed down and now there’s an apparel store there. Clothes, but no cigar. #lamejoke

Apple

The apple was arrested for in cider trading. #lamejoke

ABBA

Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they figured out who the headliner will be. So watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who’s on first. #lamejoke

Pet

Somebody told me that his pet hippo was trained to use the toilet. I think that’s just a hippo potty myth. #lamejoke

Kiev

People from Kiev must be very tall. U kraine your neck to see them.  #lamejoke

Hymns

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday, the pastor said, “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out three hymns.” So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there. He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select three hymns.”An 80 year old woman got up, walked to the front, and, pointing her finger at the congregation, said, “I’ll take him, him, and him!“ #lamejoke

Scent

When Kim Kardashian released a new scent, everyone called her an entrepreneur. But when Joey released a scent, all his workmates complained. #lamejoke

Shopping

Joey says that shopping with his girlfriend and her friends can be slow as mall lasses. #lamejoke

Room

Two kings and three queens came into my home, but there was barely enough room for everyone. It was a full house. #lamejoke

Wizard

A guy dressed as a wizard told me he’d slowly turn me into a loaf of bread. I laughed, but now I’m starting to wonder. #lamejoke

Monsters

Are monsters good at math? No, not unless you Count Dracula. #lamejoke 

Film

I got cast in the film about a bakery. It’s not a huge part, just a small roll. #lamejoke