Thursday, August 31, 2017

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? 

A satisfactory.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

What do you call a bird that coughs a lot? 

A phlegmingo.

Monday, August 28, 2017

What's the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? 

They’re both red except for the green one.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

A friend called me last night, quite confused, to say a couple of sausages hit him on the head on the way home from the pub. 

"That's nothing!" I replied. "I got hit by four steaks, two pork chops and a leg of lamb."

"What could it be?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"

Friday, August 25, 2017

What do you call a doctor who takes care of whales teeth? 

An orcadontist.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Which public office did the stallion run for? 

Mare.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

What's the most commonly misspelled blood type? 

Type O.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

What happened when the escalator broke down? 

Everyone stopped and staired.

Monday, August 21, 2017

What do you call sandwich meat if you put it on your lower leg? 

Below knee.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Who was the best kung fu vegetable? 

Brock Lee.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

What's the best way to install a toilet relative to the wall? 

Flush.

Friday, August 18, 2017

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains." 

"Pull yourself together, man."

Thursday, August 17, 2017

What show do cows love to watch while they're eating?

Graze Anatomy.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which work position would it work? 

The crust station.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

How do billboards talk to each other? 

They use sign language.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Where do people go to learn to make ice cream? 

Sundae school.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

What do you call a tree with no money? 

Burr oak.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

If a father asked his child if he would like a tropical fruit, what would the kid say? 

Papa, ya.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Why don't bakers throw away dough? 

Because they're gonna knead it later.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai." 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

What's warm and smells like a worm? 

A bird fart.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

What do you call the Russian monarch of canyons? 

Czar Chasm.

Monday, August 7, 2017

What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans? 

A brews.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

This pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.

"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."

"Count 'em again, doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

Saturday, August 5, 2017

What kind of sports car do broke people drive? 

A Poorsche.

Friday, August 4, 2017

What do you call a laughing piano? 

A Yamahahahahaha.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Why don't they put advertisements on The Hulk? 

He's basically a giant banner.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Why was the large vegetable sad after his baseball game? 

He realized he was a meaty-okra athlete.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

What's a zookeeper's favorite pasta? 

Turtle-ini.